[Anonymous]

Hello all. So here is my situation. I’m 20 years old. I went to treatment for addiction 4 months ago and met a girl. In my opinion it was love at first site. Im from PA but moves to florida to improve my life. We hit it off immediately. Shes 26 by the way.

We went on our first date and completely hit it off. I met her family and we got along great. We started going out and became intimate right away. It was great. Shes beautiful and i love her personality. we started spending lots of time together, and we were both so happy. We supported eachother in our recovery and were great. About a month in we both knew that this was something special. She was telling me that shes so glad she met me and that Im so much better than her abusing, a hole ex boyfriends. which is true i am a kind person. And she said that even though im younger im more mature than all of her past bfs. She said that shes in love with me and that shes never felt this way about someone so fast.she said it just felt…different. I felt the same way. And that maybe we were meant to be together. we started jokingly talking about how were gonna have kids and get married but it was completely jokingly but there was probably some truth in there.

So anyway her parents LOVE me. Theyre so glad that shes with a good person and say that im polite and treat her well. I met her whole family..sisters cousins grandparents etc and they all love me. So then I had to go back home to pa for 10 days and see my family. About 2 or 3 months into our relationship. We had plans that Id stay with her when i came back until i found my own place, her parents were fine with it. The day before I left, I kinda relapsed. Not technically because it wasnt a narcotic..but I found a pill in an old shorts pocket and took it. It was just naproxen but it had alittle placebo effect. She asked me if i was doing anything and i said no. That whole day i lied to her but she suspected something. At the end of that day I told her the truth. She was very mad but the next day she told me she was glad that i told her and that she loves me. Im very strong in my sobriety and even though that was a very slight slip up i want her to know that I am strong and it wont happen again.

When i went back home we talked on the phone 2 hours every night. Things seemed great..When I came back things were ok for the first day but the second day she told me that when i was gone she got to thinking alot and that she realized that she needs to work on herself and that she wants to take a break. She also slid in that shes annoyed that i depend on her for too much, im too needy and not confident enough in myself. She said me taking that pill changed the way she feels about me. She couldnt explain it but her feelings have changed for me. I was devistated for days but I thought about it alot and thought maybe it is ok if we just take a break and work on ourselves some. I tried to tell her that we could just send less time together and still go out but she wasnt changing her mind. She says she needs space and needs to hang out with girls more. I respect all that because i love her. I made the mistake of asking her too many questions and annoying her because I wanted to know if she still has romantic feelings for me and if she thinks that shed want to get back together after we do out own thing for a while but she just gets annoyed and says I dont have those feelings for you right now i dont know what will happen.

Of course all this is tormenting me and Im trying to put it behind me but im still staying with her and her parents and she works alot so theres alot of tension. The plan was to find a place within the next few days or so but the longer i stay there the more it puts her in a bad position and seems like she floats further and further from me. Im affraid that because I cant give her space until i move out her feelings are changing for the worse even more.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. maybe if there anything i can do to increase my chances of getting back with her in the future. Im fairly new at relationships and i feel SO strongly toward her its just so hard to be friends but i have to i guess if i want a future with her..I just hope its not too late.

thanks in advance

[Ask April Masini]

Although she said that when you took that pill and relapsed it changed her feelings about you, what she meant was that it changed her feelings about herself. Because you both are recovering addicts, your relapse made her think about her own sobriety and she pulled away from you to protect herself.

Her instincts to take care of herself before she can be in a relationship are good ones and hopefully you’re glad she’s taking care of herself, and you can mirror her behavior by taking care of yourself. The first thing you need to do to do that is to move out of her parents house because this is a stressful situation for her and for you.

Rent a room or move in with someone you know even if it’s an interim move until you find some place more suitable, just to give yourselves a break from the tension of your living there while you’re no longer dating. I think that if you do get your own life together in Florida and show her by example that you’re living independently and healthfully, she may become more interested.

Women are attracted to men who are confident and independent, and right now, you’re not that for her. But you can be with some work! So move out of her house and into your own place and your own life.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — I wish you good luck!

Also, join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hey thanks for the advice. Yeah im moving out in 2 days. Youre right I kept asking her what she meant by her feelings for me changed when i did that but she couldnt explain it but that does make sense that shes trying to protect herself. I know what I have to do now, its just hard because I got no reassurance that shed want to get back together later in the future. But i can understand shes going through alot and thats just wheres shes at. We deffinately need to ease the tention, thanks again. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Also my birthday is in 2 days and hers is in a week..I want to be able to have fun with her on my bday..maybe we can do something fun because shes off work. Our plans of a romantic date wont be happening but…I also want to get her something thoughtful or sweet for her birthday. just trying to think of what

[Ask April Masini]

People say things that aren’t always truthful when they need to protect themselves because they’re doing the best that they can with the tools that they have in that moment. Your ex-girlfriend may have said that her feelings changed about you, rather than about herself, because she wasn’t aware of her own feelings about herself changing or because she didn’t want to get into it with you because she may not have trusted that she would feel comfortable discussing it with you — or any number of other reasons. The bottom line is that you can’t know what’s in her head, but luckily, you CAN know her behavior and you can adjust yours if you want to. 🙂

I know you have no reassurance that the two of you will ever date again, and that’s scary for you, but take a breath, and take one day at a time. Don’t rush into the future in your head. You WILL be able to handle each day as it comes with or with out her. Know that and your anxiety will wash away.

Let me know what happened on your birthday and if the two of you got together — because that may temper my advice for what to do for her birthday.

And please join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url] for AskApril.com on Facebook. 😀

[Anonymous]

thanks. That makes alot of sense. I’m letting things cool off and giving her space.
On my birthday we just hung out at her house nothing special. She’s really busy with work and stuff and just got me a card, but a day later txted me what size shirt and shorts I was and got me some clothes. Anyway, I’m thinking of getting her a skirt that she pointed out to me that she wanted and burning her a cd of her favorite songs or something. not sure yet. thanks for the help

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad that things are going well for you, and that you’re both committing to healthy living! 😀 Please join me on Facebook — I’d love to see you there. The link to do this for free, at AskApril.com on Facebook, is here: [url][/url]. 🙂

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