[Anonymous]

Let me give a little background here. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend for nearly two years. We’re both in our early 20’s. We first had sex about six months into our relationship. She says it’s really painful though (I think her hyman never ripped), so she never wants to have sex. In total, we’ve had sex probably 5-6 times. In addition to the pain, she’s not really a sexual person to begin with. We do, however, do other sexual things maybe once a week or so. She could go months without any sexual activity and be perfectly happy.

According to the Kinsey Institute, average frequency of sexual intercourse in US is 112 times per year. Our sex frequency is 5% of the average. I would consider myself a very nice boyfriend driven by other things than sex, but honestly, I would need a lot more sex to be happy in a long-term relationship. I would even be happy with once a week. I don’t mean to sound shallow here, but regular sex would be a must in my relationship.

I love her, but I’m a sexual person (duh, I have a penis) and she’s not at all. Thank you! 😀

[Anonymous]

Just some other thoughts to add:

– She was on birth control way before she was sexually active so idk how that affects it.
– We have already talked about it a lot. We agree I am sexual and she is not. And we don’t know what to do about it.
– I would imagine if the problem was solely with the pain and nothing else, she would want other sexual activities.
– Most important to me, I want her to want to have sex. I don’t want to just have sex because she feels like she is obligated to. That takes out the emotional part of sex for me.

[Anonymous]

Your concerns are completely normal and I would consider you an abnormally great guy. Not a lot of men would stick around in a relationship with a woman who isn’t interested in sex. It may be that she has a lower libido than you but if she really loves you and is physically/sexually attracted to you she will try to please you more than once a week. I recently knew a couple who had the same problem. I was best friends with the girl in highschool and became great friends with the guy about three years ago right before they started dating. So I was thrilled they got together and thought they made a great match. They never fought, were always together, and seemed super happy. Until finally my friend the guy brought this up with me. I talked to the girl and she admitted to not being sexually attracted to him at all but loving him more than she could imagine. It doesn’t make much sense but sometimes this happens. The sexual attraction might not be there for her. The couple I’m referring to broke up because she met someone she was sexually attracted to. If that isn’t the case and it’s the pain that’s stopping her take her to the doctor. If you are familiar with Kinsey than I’m sure you’ve seen the movie where his wife has the same exact problem. If they help her and she keeps making excuses you might want to move on to someone who is more your pace aka more sexually attracted to you. :/ I hope I’m wrong and everything works out. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your problem is legitimate and your sexual needs as you describe them are normal and valid. Having sex 6 times in 18 months is not enough for you and not enough to sustain this relationship long term, given what you’ve written. So try a few things….

First, your girlfriend needs to go to the doctor and have a full scale physical. Chronic pain during intercourse is not normal, so she needs to take care of her health. She also needs to be completely honest with her physician and have blood work done to make sure there isn’t an underlying problem that is dulling her sex drive. She may have a low sex drive, or she may not have a low sex drive but instead has a problem that is lowering it as a symptom. So let a team of physicians make a diagnosis. They may be able to help her medically.

Second, you didn’t really talk about what sex is like, and because you’re young, there may be an issue of experience in the bedroom. Women are different then men and they take a lot longer to warm up. If a young woman who is relatively new to sex feels rushed or isn’t warmed up, it’s entirely possible sex can be anxiety ridden and painful, so consider what goes on in the bedroom as a place to do some work. Just because she’s on the pill doesn’t mean she’s good to go. Think about experimenting by making one night all about her — and not you. See if you can’t get her completely turned on and wanting more — but focus on the process. Women are not sexually goal driven. The adventure is often better than the big finale if you know what I mean. Consider sensuality as well as sexuality. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom — it ends there. Treating her sensually as well as with a hint of sexuality throughout the day is the path to full on seduction.

Finally, if none of these things work, be honest with her if you haven’t already that being different is okay, but your needs are important and that you really need to have sex a certain number of times a week (be specific here) in order to feel personally healthy and satisfied. There are lots of things people in couples do for each other because they want to make the other person happy — and you may find yourself doing things in the bedroom and out that are solely for her because seeing her satisfied makes you feel good. If she isn’t willing to do those things, then you have to understand that you’re both too incompatible to make this work, and you’d both do better finding a partner who is better attuned to each of your needs. Because right now, hers are being met and yours aren’t.

I hope that helps!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Member]

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