[inneedofhelpplease]

First time post, appreciate any insight and advice. My girlfriend has experienced a history of child abuse and rape that has had a traumatic effect on her her entire life. I have been understanding and patient with her to show her as much love and support as possible, but I do have some concerns. While we share a healthy love life, she often asks to be dominated, tied up, hit, or degraded. I understand some of the psychology behind it, but I don’t know if giving in to her fantasies is healthy or detrimental to our relationship? She is also very secretive about what she watches when she watches porn, but she has admitted that she has an unhealthy tendency to watch rape porn, group porn, and abuse porn, and that these are the only things that tend to get her off. She is afraid of being judged, so she avoids talking about the situation whenever possible. My fears are that she wants these situations recreated, or that she would place herself in an unsafe situation where this could happen. I understand that the fantasies and viewing are not uncommon in rape victims, but are they kept in a fantasy world or is there an increased rate of cheating in situations like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This one is out of my purview. 😕 She’s clearly very troubled, and needs help. I’m not sure how old she is, how long you’ve been with her, or much more — but I do know from what you’ve written, that what she’s doing has something to do with recreating her past traumas. Sometimes people recreate past trauma because they don’t feel they are able to, or deserve to be past them. Sometimes they recreate them to work through them. And sometimes they recreate them because they’re so traumatized by them, that the past trauma feels normal. But it’s not just her who is involved in this, now — when you put yourself into these scenarios, you’re subjecting yourself to emotionally difficult situations. I think that you really need to get her to see a physician who can refer her to a psychiatrist or someone who specializes in this type of situation. I can help you with relationships, but this has more to do with acute trauma, physical abuse, and post traumatic stress disorder. She needs medical help, and it would be great if you could persuade her to get it.

I hope that helps.

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