[girllivingabroad418]

Ok, I wrote out this freaking long story and it all got erased because I was not “logged in”, and I was…This time I’m saving everything!

I am currently dating a guy I met while studying abroad over three years ago. At the time, I was already in another long-term relationship (my first serious one) for almost three years.. I will start off by describing the nature of that relationship, since it is where everything began and it still has a lot of relevance to this day. I dated my boyfriend in college for nearly my entire time at the University…He was my first love, and exemplified everything that I thought I was looking for in a man. He was handsome, intelligent, funny, witty, confident, ambitious, and overall a good guy. When we first met we clicked instantly and were basically inseparable. But after about 9 months or so we got more comfortable with each other and began to argue on a regular basis. Although he had everything I was looking for, like the majority of men, he had difficulty expressing his feelings. There was never a doubt that he was in love with me, in fact, we talked about getting married one day, and all of those plans.. But I still felt as though something was missing. I didn’t feel like I knew him any better than any of his best friends or immediate family. I didn’t feel special being his girlfriend, the way you should if someone is madly in love with you.. So this was always in the back of my mind during our arguments, which often augmented substantially do to me bringing up these issues. So as you can imagine, we had terrible communication issues, and every fight was like ww3. After a couple of years of things staying the same (and our arguments growing much more heated) I began to resent him. After being hurt so many times and crying so many nights I decided that I should start to think of myself and to not care as much. Towards the end I had become the cold one who didn’t express my emotions.. We had broken up once or twice, but never in a definitive way, but when I traveled to Mexico for a summer study abroad trip that all changed.

While in Mexico I had a host family with some other roommates. I met my current boyfriend, the Mexican, through this family since he was a friend of theirs and happened to live on the same street. So my roommates and I began to hang out with him all the time (always in a group) and somehow he and I became very close friends in a short period of time. I confided in him things that I’ve only discussed with few people in my life. He was like no person I ever met before. He had no problem opening up to me and expressing his feelings, he was sensitive and the best listener I’ve ever met. After a few weeks he even told me he had fallen in love with me…I felt like he knew me better than anyone. However; I never reciprocated those feelings out of respect for my boyfriend. And the Mexican (I’ll just call him David) always respected my relationship and never pressured me to break up with my boyfriend.

Well, after I left Mexico I stayed in contact with David via email and we chatted often. Things with my boyfriend were going downhill, and he became jealous of my friendship with this new guy. As our issues escalated I began to think more and more about David and even thought I could be in love. One thing led to another and my boyfriend and I broke up…this time it was definitive. It was probably one of the toughest decisions of my life, but David was there for me throughout the whole process..He was always there for me whenever I needed to talk, he would drop whatever he was doing, and was always so sweet to me. Throughout this semester we continued to talk more and more until eventually we decided we would meet again soon . He came to visit me that December for my winter break for two weeks. The first week was difficult for me because I didn’t feel comfortable with him like I thought I would…Our “virtual relationship” was much more advanced than our physical one, and it took some time for me to catch up. Also, I noticed that I didn’t really feel that spark with him like I thought I would. We didn’t have the chemistry I was looking for, and I found myself forcing things a bit. The second week was much better…he was less nervous, and I was starting to get somewhat comfortable with him. However; as soon as we were getting comfortable, it was time for him to go back to Mexico.

When he returned, all I could think about was how disappointed I was with how our trip went. I had so many expectations of this amazing guy and this amazing relationship, but I just didn’t feel that connection. I didn’t feel physically attracted to him like I had hoped either.. So what did I do? I went back to what I was comfortable with…my ex. My ex and I began to spend some time together, and after some time were dating again. I had always thought about him and missed him quite a bit, especially when I was with David…obviously it is very difficult to move on from a first love. Anyway, this time around things seemed to be going a little better. I could see that he was making an effort to improve our communication and he was avoiding getting into arguments with me. However; the dynamic of our relationship had changed…He obviously was still hurt about me leaving him for another man, with good reason. He was much more cautious, and reminded me of what I had done from time to time.. Essentially, we were no longer equals.

As a couple months went by, David and I had only talked a few times…I didn’t want to open that door again, because I really felt guilty about hurting my boyfriend the first time. I realized after some time that David had begun to write a novel about our story…how we met, etc. It was his way of coping with the fact that he could not talk to me.. This was a big surprise to me. I mean, what kind of guy writes a novel expressing his feelings about a girl these days!?!?! Not many. I always knew he was a special person with a big heart. It really affected me once I read a couple of the chapters he had written, and in a way felt sorry for him…I didn’t realize he was in such pain. And although I am not the most romantic girl in the world, it meant a lot to me that he cared so much about us…every girl wants to feel like their man would fight for them no matter what, right? I guess…this is what I never had with my ex. I never felt really special with him.. This frustrated me so much!!! Why couldn’t he just be a little more sensitive like David? I didn’t need a whole novel, just a little show of his feelings from time to time.. Why couldn’t I have that amazing chemistry and physical attraction to David like I did with my ex!?! These are the questions still going through my head to this day..

So after reading some of his novel, I made the decision to just be single for a bit…to figure out what I wanted out of life. I was no longer talking to my ex…we broke up again…and my communication with David was very little. After a few more months like this, David and I began to talk on a regular basis again…and eventually started our long distance relationship again. He was very persistent and never lost faith in us. His hope and persistence is what kept us going…You see, I am much more difficult to convince in this area. But his love and devotion brought me back. Finally, after almost two years since the last time I had seen him, I decided it would be my turn to go visit him in Mexico…

This time things were a little better.. I could tell he was less nervous being in his own country, around his own culture and talking in his own language. He seemed more confident, and I was attracted to that. But still, I didn’t quite feel that spark…I was not as comfortable as I thought I should be.. Two more trips passed like this.

I finally just got to the point where I accepted that we were not right for each other. And we almost broke up…but he convinced me that we never had enough time to get comfortable with each other, that we needed to be in the same place to get a rhythm going.. I thought, okay…let’s do it then to see how things will really be. So here I am, living with him in Mexico City. I’ve been here for a little over a month now and I can honestly say I am still confused. We have definitely had many good moments here…we’ve gone to the theater, the movies, and even spent a weekend at the beach. He has been nothing but great this whole time, the perfect boyfriend really.. But I find myself less attracted to him each day. Don’t get me wrong! He is a cute guy, but he has never been my type. Also, his personal sense of style is almost non-existent! Believe me, I am not a shallow person…but I am neat and organized and like to take care of myself. My boyfriend, not so much. I simply just looked past this before because I thought everything else about him overshadowed his appearance, and plus it’s much more difficult to notice these things when you are not with the person all the time. I also find myself struggling to make a connection with him…I get bored, and lose interest in what he is saying…I don’t initiate our intimate moments ever…and when he kisses me, I sometimes make a joke to avoid kissing him. I get annoyed with him easily, I’m guessing because of the attraction issue.. I hate that I am feeling this way…maybe it’s too much to ask for a good guy, a best friend, and someone you can be passionate with??? After so much time has passed, I still think about my ex all the time…I wonder if we just didn’t try hard enough. If I was too young and couldn’t see what a good thing I had.. Sometimes people tell me that we could have made things work if we would have both tried at the same time, and gone to a counselor or something..

And now, David and I are about to sign a lease on an apartment for a year…obviously this doesn’t mean I have to stay with him for said time, but it scares me that I am committing to something I am not convinced about. Should I stay and give it a couple more months, or go back to the states and start fresh again? Obviously I came here to give it a chance…I didn’t want to regret not trying something with so much potential…but gosh, relationships are complicated!

So as you can see April, this is a long and complicated story…I need some thoughts!

Best,
girllivingabroad

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you?

[girllivingabroad418]

I’m 25 years old. My boyfriend is 28…

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the extra information about your ages — that definitely helps! 😀

[quote]And now, David and I are about to sign a lease on an apartment for a year…obviously this doesn’t mean I have to stay with him for said time, but it scares me that I am committing to something I am not convinced about. Should I stay and give it a couple more months, or go back to the states and start fresh again? Obviously I came here to give it a chance…I didn’t want to regret not trying something with so much potential…but gosh, relationships are complicated![/quote]

My advice is not to rely on potential. Ever. And by committing to living with him by signing a legal apartment lease for a year, when your out is,[i] “obviously this doesn’t mean I have to stay with him for said time, but it scares me that I am committing to something I am not convinced about…”[/i] that is enough for me to tell you that at your age, it’s a mistake. 😕 The reason you give FOR doing it is possible regret over the [b]potential[/b] of the situation — not good enough!! And guess what? Relationships aren’t that complicated — but if you don’t have a plan, they can be. 😉

You’re at an age where it’s a good idea to know what you want, or if you don’t — think about and begin to formulate a plan for yourself. That plan doesn’t have to be set in stone because people change and life experiences expand, but right now, based on all you’ve written, signing a lease and moving in with him is a mistake. 😥 You probably know and are writing to me to confirm your instincts for you. 😉

You haven’t mentioned if you’re in school or working, so I’m wondering about your need to be in a particular country or state, but I think it’s time for you to focus on YOU and [i]then[/i] a relationship. They won’t seem so complicated that way. 🙂

Hope that helps.

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