[divobird]

Hi
For the last 6 months my husband and i have had so many problems and i became realy unhappy in the marriage. it ended up that i fell in love with one of my friends and he feels the same way, nothing happened while i was still with my husband, we wanted to do things right. Well i ended things with my husband but i neglected to tell him that i had met someone else, what i told him was the truth about why i was leaving, in that i wasn’t happy with him anymore because of all the problems we were having and i think even if the other guy wasn’t in the picture i would have left my husband anyway. Anyway things were going well with the split, we were on good terms and since we have 3 children together we wanted it to stay that way so that he could see them whenever he wanted and so that this had as little of an effect on the children as was humanly possible. Until today, one way or another he figured out about me and this other guy he came over to my house and asked me outright, i didn’t lie to him, even though i would have told him eventually about the other guy, i didn’t want to do it right away as i had already hurt him enough leaving him. Well, then after he left my house he went and took 150 pain killers and is now in hospital, he called me to tell me what he had done and i couldn’t help thinking he was doing it for attention, otherwise why would he have felt the need to phone me and rub my face in it??? He also said that he wasn’t going to see the children because he thinks that my new boyfriend will be taking over and playing Daddy, which is so not the case. I am not even going to introduce my children to my new man for months yet as they are obviously very affected by thier dad leaving and i would never interfere with the relationship btween my children and thier father, he will always be their dad and i would never try to replace him or stop him from seeing them as often as he liked. I asked him not to try and punish me by saying he didn’t want to see them as it wouldn’t be me who was punished by it essentially. Not to mentin because my husband was very close to my family, especially my sister, she has now falled out with me and is very angry at me. But in my opinion it would have been wrong for me to stay in a marriage that was over and when i was having these feelings for someone else. Well anyway, after this had all come oout of the woodwork, my husbands best friend was straight on the phone to my new boyfriend calling him a home wrecker, which he isn’t as i said this marriage was already over and he never once tried to push me nto a desision, i made the choise to leave completely on my own. We have overlooked these nasty comments that have come from not only ths friend but other people as welland we are working at having a good relationship. i have never felt so happy with somebody as i am with this guy and he feels the same way about me, so why should we not be together? I do feel bad that i hurt my husband by leaving him and by meeting someone else so quickly but i really think it would ave been wrong of me to stay with him. And i am most worried about the children that they won’t see their dad because he is being stubborn and trying to punish me. I have hurt so many people in making this choice and it wasn’t easy, not in the slightest, my family resent me, my friends are mad at me, well not all of them but the mutual friends are and of course my ex is now in a hospital bed after trying to kill himself. i am torn at how to feel, i eel guilty for the pain i’ve caused but i also feel happy because i am so in love with this new guy. i guess what i am asking is, how to rebuild the bridges i have burnt and how am i meant to feel?

thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t do anything wrong.

You were right in leaving your husband without bringing up the other man, and while it is hard for your ex-husband to find out that you’ve moved on, and are with another man, trust me, his feelings are very, very common among divorced men AND women who find out that their ex-spouses have new lovers or boyfriends or girlfriends or have re-married. Divorces can go super smoothly, but when the ex-spouse starts dating, the venom can begin to fly, and in your case, it has in spades. When a marriage fails, there’s a tendency to blame other people rather than take responsibility. That’s what your ex-husband is doing, and so are his friends and family.

His suicide attempt is not something you are responsible for and it’s not something you can help him with. What you can do is to be strong for your children and never, ever say a bad or mean word about their father in front of them or ever. Your attitude in your post sounds just right, although your guilt is clearly strong. Eventually if you stay your course towards a healthy life, you’ll begin to separate your feelings of guilt for your ex-husband’s behavior from your own responsibilities in life.

It’s unfortunate that people outside of your former marriage are interfering and behaving badly. People are going to do what they’re going to do, and you can’t control this. What you can control is your own behavior and you’re going to get the opportunity to develop a very strong character and walk a high road because if you don’t, you’ll be part of the mudslinging which you know is clearly wrong and a sign of desperation and lack of control. Hopefully your boyfriend has the character and strength to understand what’s going on, to not engage other peoples’ bad behaviors and to weather this storm.

Don’t try to rebuild bridges just yet. Instead, focus on building your new family as a single mother with a boyfriend and stay healthy and strong. Make sure your children see their father regularly if he is able to. Share holidays with your ex-husband in terms of letting the kids go to him and stay with you, be generous while putting the children’s best interests first.

You’ll get through this — and I’m here if you need more help.

[divobird]

thanks for your advice, i am glad you think i am behaving in the right way. As you said my childrens best interests are my main concern, and i want them to have as a good as a relationship with their father as ever before but he is saying he doesn’t want to see them as he thinks my new boyfriend is going to try and take over them. but thats never going to happen, i don’t even want my new boyfriend to meet the children for a while yet they are still adjusting. I had a phone call this morning to say that my ex is in hospital and that he is critical, they don’t know whether his liver is going to fail. How would i tell the children if anything happened to him? I think he only did this to try and punish me but its the children who will be the ones who get hurt, i can’t believe how selfish he has been doing this. And even though i don’t love him or want to be with him anymore, i would never want him to die. On top of this i am only 24 years old, i got pregnant with my first child at 18 and so really i know no other life than the last 7 years so i am scared but i know that this is what i want i just never wanted to cause so much pain.

thanks again

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry for all that you’re going through, but you’re going to get through this and so are your children. I know you didn’t want to cause pain for anyone, but you have to understand that your ex-husband is the one causing the pain to you and your children, and that the only thing you did is to fall out of love with him and end the marriage. When a marriage fails there can be all sorts of feelings, but divorce is actually very normal in the world, and you didn’t murder anyone; you didn’t slash anyone’s tires; you didn’t smoke crack cocaine; you didn’t mutilate small animals. You did what most adults in this country and world do — you ended a marriage. It’s sad, but it’s normal. What your ex-husband did is a symptom of a deeper problem. He is lashing out and trying to hurt other people because he didn’t get what he wanted (think two year old behavior), only he’s doing it with adult precision.

Here are some pieces of advice that you may be able to use:

1. You are correct to keep your boyfriend out of the picture until this all blows over for the children’s sake. It’s going to be difficult for three children under the age of 7 to process what’s happening and they will be affected by your feelings and anxiety. So, explain to your boyfriend that you’re going to see him privately until your children are stabilized.

2. Make sure you do see your boyfriend. He is an important support for you and his love is going to help you get through this. Enlist friends or family to babysit your children several times a week so you can see him for an hour or two each time. Your well-being and his adding to that well-being will serve your children. Whatever makes you stronger and healthier is good for the kids. So don’t deny yourself his company. Keep that relationship going.

3. Right now, tell your children that their dad is very sick and he’s in the hospital getting help. Don’t give them too much information that they can’t process, but give them enough so that they know age-appropriate truth. Kids smell lies a mile away. It’s important to be truthful, even if it hurts them. Remember, at best they’re losing their dad in a divorce. At worst, he may not make it at all. They are right to feel sad, angry, grief — allow them to feel their feelings. Share your own. But let them know, first and foremost, that you are there for them and that as a family you’re going to be okay even if you need to cry or get angry or punch a punching bag or a pillow or draw an angry picture. The kids need healthy outlets for their feelings. Sports, art and talk are all good ways for them to express themselves. Make these outlets available to them.

4. Your ex-husband’s fears that he will be replaced are normal, and valid and not crazy. If he was the one leaving and had a girlfriend he was probably going to marry, you’d feel the same way, especially if the young children were living mostly with him. One way you can help him is to have the children draw get well cards and you send them to him. When he sees cards crayoned to “Daddy” from his children, he’ll have to understand that they are his children no matter what. But his suicide attempt is evidence of how damaged he is right now, so don’t expect a healthy response from him. Do what you can do, and let the rest go, knowing you’re not able to help everyone all the time because you’re human.

Hang in there, and let me know how things go.

[divobird]

thank you once again for your brilliant advice. i am pleased to tell you that my ex husband is going to be ok after his suicide attempt. i am still having problems with some friends and family members who think that i am an awful person and my boyfriend is having it taken out on him, but hes dealing with it very well. Still there are many things to sort out i just hope in time that the people who are judging this situation will see sense and get used to the idea of me being with a different partner.
thank you it is so nice to be able to talk to someone from a 3rd party and get some rational advice instead of a pile of abuse. i will post again next week to let you know of any developments

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[i]Brilliant [/i]advice?? 😀 😀 Gee — thank you!

I’m glad you’re getting through this time okay, and that it looks like your soon to be ex-husband will live. As for people who judge you — get used to it. 😆 There will ALWAYS be people who don’t like you and don’t approve of your behavior and your life. That’s true of anyone. When your divorce and your family business becomes public, everyone wants to weigh in and take sides. It’s human nature, and while it may not be right or pleasant, you’ll have an easier go of things if you accept the fact that you’re going to be the subject of trash talk.

Given that, be polite to [i]everyone[/i] (even your enemies) but only spend time with people who are supportive and nurturing of you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you get marriage counseling? Possibly you did. You not only made vows to your husband, which I guess didn’t mean a thing, and affected his life because of thinking of yourself, you have – possibly – damaged your children. Wait ten years and see if your NEW and exciting boyfriend looks any better. Obviously your husband loved you and your children. Of course only you can really know if you just became bored, or was your husband just a typical man? Marriage takes work. Was he a good father> If all the above are true, you will get what you deserve. Good luck with the NEW and exciting new man —

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is trash. Obviously it was a shock to her husband, just think what the children are going through. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Always to call s0meone brilliant, when they validate and telll you something that makes it okay to be selfish and think of oneself

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that [b]Shocked[/b] has a good idea in his/her post that working on a marriage is a lot better than divorcing when there are children involved. HOWEVER….this reader came to me with a problem after she’d [i]already left[/i] her husband — and [i]after[/i] he already took 150 pills in a suicide attempt. I don’t know why she left the marriage, but at the point she wrote, her soon to be ex-husband needed way more help than she could give him, and this may be the basis for the problems in the marriage that led to her leaving.

Divorce usually hurts children and they are victims, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be a good outcome or that there are things to ease the pain for the children and the adults. In fact, sometimes children from intact marriages don’t fare as well as children of divorce because the problems in the marriage affect the family and the kids to a great degree. The bottom line is that every situation is different, and I respect your desire to promote marriage for the sake of the children, but if someone’s already out the door, and the marital problems have resulted in the other one taking such an extreme measure as a suicide attempt, going back to that marriage is not always the best thing.

[Member]

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