[Golshan]

He broke up with me 2 months ago. he doesn’t want to be in any kind of relationship. we were together for almost 7 years. I met him when I was 20 and he was 19. I was his first love. he was so faithful to me. but I was irritable all the time because he gave up college and didn’t have any plan and did nothing. I was angry all the time. now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I love him so much. he said ” you never support me and you never show me the best way and you never kind. you punish me like an angry mother instead of encourage me. I don’t have a bright future and I don’t want a relationship anymore. There was a chance for this relationship but you ruined it,…..”
I’ve started no contact phase but he texted me last night: ” could you please wake me up at 7 a,m?” and it wasn’t his first time. He hasn’t removed our photos on facebook.
will he back? my sister talked to him last month and she said he was too depressed. I want to be with him because he was faithful, kind,funny, sexy,…. he was very supportive. what should I do? Is there any chance to get him back?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Seven years, and first love is a tough combination to get over. Everyone’s first love is memorable. That yours lasted seven years is unique, and the idea of getting out there and having to date to meet someone new must seem very off putting. But here’s the thing… it’s very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is unhappy and has low self esteem. 🙁 If he’s 26 and has no plan for his life, and is blaming you, until he gets things together, any relationship he’s going to be in is going to be difficult. That you were angry that he didn’t have a plan for his life and seemed to be wasting it is normal — but not healthy to stay in for a long time. I know this break up is difficult, but my advice is that you understand he’s coming back to you because he doesn’t want to do the work to get his own life together, and what he knew with you, while imperfect, was comfortable, and all he had. He probably broke up with you and realized the problems he had in the relationship existed outside of it! I think you need to tell him how much you love him and want to be with him, but not the way things have been, and unless and until he can create a positive future for himself, whether it’s a career, a job, college — whatever it is — it’s not going to work in the long run. His long term problems will become yours (or anyone’s he’s involved with), and it’s really an opportunity for him to fix them. You want to be with him, but you want him to get healthy in order for you to be with him. This may be the wake up call he needs — or it may be the death toll for the relationship because he doesn’t want to do the hard work required to get his life on track.

[Golshan]

Thank u so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I explained him how much I love him and how bad I want to be with him but he said it doesn’t work anymore and we have to brake up. is there any chance to get him back? should I call him after a while? I really cant move on. There are some guys now but I really can’t date them I’m in love with him but he ignore me. what should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so hurt. And I’m glad you have some clarity. As painful as it may be, I think you need to respect the break up because he has good reasons for wanting to move on and get his life together before he can be with anyone. This isn’t about you. It’s about him. And, it’s not going to be a quick fix for him, and if he feels he needs to be single or that he needs to be without you, in order to get his life back on track, it’s hard to argue with that. He may or may not be right, but he has to address his problems and the solution isn’t always a straight line between two points.

My advice for you is to understand that all relationships require two people to make them work, but only one person to end them, and when they end, you have to take care of yourself. Don’t try to replace him or in this case, get back together. If he wants to reunite, he knows how to reach you. Instead, just pause. For a month. Don’t try to date. Don’t try to get back together, and don’t try to change his mind. Just do you. Surround yourself with family and friends who are supportive and understanding. Use this break to take a trip, join a gym or go to a lot of movies with girlfriends or by yourself. Just let yourself process the break up, feel the pain, heal, and know that this is not the end of love for you. It’s a turn in the road, but not the end of the journey. 🙂

Please let me know if you have any questions. I’m happy to help.

[Golshan]

Thank you for your kindness, It was really helpful.
I was trying so hard to forget him and I kinda succeeded it but he keeps texting me. Yesterday he called me and ask some stupid question about What is the best language learning course( he is trying to learn French) I’m studying french but his best friend is a French teacher. Why didn’t he ask him? I blocked his number on my phone after that stupid call. I don’t know what to do? It really hurts and he keep calling me. I can’t hear her voice. I can’t bear this pain anymore especially when he talks to me like I’m just his old friend and he casually speaks to me. any advice?
I really appreciate your help. I really need one. thank you 😳

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s being selfish and you have to let him know that you’ve got a boundary. Tell him to please stop contacting you because you don’t want to be his friend. Then call your cellphone provider and ask them to help you block his calls and texts. It’s tough love, but you need it to get over the break up and move on. Maybe at some point in the future you’ll be able to talk to him and even socialize, but right now, you need to take care of yourself. He isn’t. This is on you, so rise to the occasion.

Also, re-read my advice about socializing with supportive family and friends and keeping your calendar busy with fun and nurturing things for you. This is an opportunity for you to really give back to yourself. You deserve to be nurtured and taken care of so make that your priority. If it isn’t good for you, don’t do it, and if it is, get on it! 🙂

[Sally]

Right now, he’s not asking to come back. He’s reaching out because you’re familiar, safe, and steady like asking you to wake him up. That doesn’t mean he wants the relationship again. It means he’s still emotionally leaning on you while trying to be alone. And that keeps you stuck.

What he said about feeling judged and unsupported mattered to him. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person it means the dynamic turned into pressure instead of partnership. That kind of damage doesn’t fix fast, even when love is still there.

Will he come back? Maybe. But waiting and decoding texts will only keep you hurting. If you want any real chance with him or anyone you need to stop being his emotional safety net. No contact only works if it’s real.

You didn’t lose everything. You lost something that needed two people growing at the same time. Take care of yourself now. That’s not giving up that’s grounding.

[Member]

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