[Betty101]

Dear April,

I have been seeing this guy for a year. When I met him I could tell he had some issues. We started going out and dating. At the very beginning he told me he doesn’t want to hurt me, he is not good in relationships and don’t see any reason for me to be with him except for his selfish desire.
However, we were getting closer over time. He does act like we are in a relationship. He remembers all small details about me, he calls me daily and tells me every detail of his days and plans. We hang out together and in general he is very honest ( the most honest guy I’ve met) attentive and caring.
Problem: well we never talked about “being in a relationship” but during one of our fights he said ” I cant be in a relationship with anyone at this point anyway”.
I tried to leave after that telling him that he cant give me what I want but he had a hard time to let me go. He said that he is trying his best and to make best of what he can for now and maybe in the future it can work out.
I asked him if he likes someone else, if maybe he doesnt like me enough, if he is not sure…. His reply was “it is not that simple.”
I really love him but this is hard. He told me he has romantic feelings for me ( I am not even sure what that means).
My birthday is in two months and he is already talking about it and if I would like something…

What is your opinion? Is it that he just cant be in a relationship now with ME? What could be the possible reason and why is he trying so hard to be with me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re asking questions you already know the answers to. 😕 And you’re not asking the ones that are a little bit harder, so I will. 😉

First of all, you already know he can’t commit because he told you so right from the get go. You ignored him, and now his behavior matches his promise, and you’re asking why he can’t do what he said he wouldn’t. So here’s what you need to ask yourself:

Why would you date a man who says he can’t commit? What is it about you that ignores what a guy tells you and what his behavior assures? It will be a lot easier, if you want a commitment, to only date men who also want one. Instead of trying to change him, my advice is that you change yourself. Your birthday is a great reason to do so. Decide that this is the year when you’ll really take care of YOU! If you want a relationship that is committed and leads to marriage or some other type of very clear long-term commitment, then you have to act like that’s what you want instead of getting involved with guys who are super clear that they’re not compatible with your goals. That would be the smartest thing to do.

As for why he doesn’t want to commit, if after dating him for a year, you still don’t know the answer, it probably doesn’t matter. What does matter is the outcome. I’m not sure how old you are, but it’s time for you to decide to start focusing on your goals in life. 😉 I hope that helps.

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[Betty101]

Thank you April that is a great reply and you are right. But why am I involved with him even when I knew he wouldnt commit?
Well, because I never fell for anyone before. I was in relationships but just the other side was involved. And that wasnt a nice feeling. I am 28 and thought I wasn’t maybe capable of falling in love. But that happened with this guy. The more he shows interest the more I get involved ( it was the opposite before).

He was clear from the beginning but now he is changing his story. He is saying that he might be able in the future ( like he is waiting for something to be over). I believe that if a guy wants to be with you there is nothing to stop him but in his case I kind of believe there is a good reason.
Maybe I am just too blinded by my feelings and naive. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s good to have feelings, but you can’t act on all your feelings. 😕 And just because you have feelings of love for someone, doesn’t mean you should date them. 😉 You can learn to sort out your feelings from your behavior — which is a great skill to acquire. 🙂 At age 28, it’s time for you to understand that just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean he’s Mr. Right. When you invest in someone who’s not available for a commitment, and knows it enough to tell you so, you’re taking yourself off the market and not looking at other men who may be more compatible with you, plus you’re wasting time with someone who’s clear he’s not going to commit. My advice is to move on if you’re serious about having a relationship that leads to a happy, healthy future with Mr. Right. 😉

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