[birdie]

The other night I woke up and my fiance was in bed with his ipad masturbating to porn.
Ordinarily watching porn would not be a giant issue for me accept that I was asleep, and he chose to masturbate to porn instead of waking me up or just going solo.

I was upset about what i saw, felt betrayed by his action and asked him what the hell he was doing. To say it hurt is an understatement.
I grabbed my pillow and said I cannot believe what he is doing and need to leave and went to sit in the lounge.

I sat in the dark for a few minutes and composed myself, eventually i thought i need to be rational about this and returned… when i walked in, i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. He was still lying in bed , masturbating to porn. He hadn’t stopped.

At this point I flipped out. left the house for awhile.. drove around for a few hours.. came back, slept in the lounge but since then not feeling OK about anything.
He has said he is sorry a million times. But when i ask him why he didn’t stop he cant answer me..
Says I don’t know what it is like for him. And he thought I was just angry and he cant talk to me when I am angry.

Three days later and I am still not able to get an answer from him about why he didn’t stop when he could see it had upset me.

Says he loves me and that he would never want to hurt me, says that he will never do it again.. says a lot but never answers my question “Why didn’t he stop?”

It is consuming me and I feel terrible.. i feel ugly and unimportant, I feel sad and angry all the time.
Have told him all this but he still wont answer me.
Says I am not ready to listen and interpret everything incorrectly and am not ready to handle the truth.

What do I do?
How do I deal with this?

[Suckerforjessica]

You probably overreacted. It’s porn. It’s not an actual person. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; in fact, I think it means the opposite. The guy was considerate enough not to wake you up when he felt the urge to wank one out. Coming from a guy, I wouldn’t worry about it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Men have sex drives that are very strong, and your reaction, while understandable, didn’t promote intimacy between the two of you. 😳 You were hurt that he was having sex without you — but you made the problem worse by chastising him, leaving and then berating him for it. Some alternatives you can try are: 1) Joining in and replacing the porn!, 2) Understanding that he’s wanting more sex than he’s getting and rising to the occasion by amping up your game in the bedroom, 😎 or 3) Talking to him about how you’re hurt and you’d rather he have sex with you than his iPad and allowing a discussion rather than a fight where you turn into the victim — and the aggressor at the same time.

Put yourself in his shoes and try to understand that he has this really strong drive and he doesn’t want to cheat on you, so this is his way of dealing with it. He’s not the only guy who’s happily married or in a relationship, and who still masturbates to porn for any number of reasons. It’s more common than you might think, and while that may not make you feel better, please understand that the problem you’re describing isn’t one that’s insurmountable as long as you’re willing to adjust your own behavior and be compassionate and interested in finding a solution. 😉

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