[hmchick]

I’m a 26 year old woman. I’ve been single for two years and stopped looking into dating or trying to meet guys since September after a year of no luck. In January I met a slightly younger man through mutual friends. He soon made it clear he liked me. I was very hesitant to reciprocate as he was only in my city for a few months while he was on an internship, and he is a bit younger (I’ve had negative experiences with younger men). But I decided to go for it or I might regret it. I was never looking for anything or anyone; I had reached a point of being content being single.

We hit it off well and communicated daily through email or text and saw each other at least once a week (busy schedules). Our mutual religion does not allow for premarital sex, so there was never anything physical past a few kisses, hugs, etc. I had very intense feelings even though it was a short time of knowing him, and I am not one to fall for someone so fast! That surprised me but again, I thought maybe I should go follow those feelings. Before I said anything to him he told me he loved me, and I told him I felt the same.

He has 18 months left in school in a different part of the country, and we were not sure we would see each other til he is done. He left two weeks ago to return to school having finished his internship. Before doing so he told me he wants to marry me when he is done with school. I said I would accept his proposal when he does. But I have barely heard from him since he left. I waited a few days and initiated email contact, he replied and we exchanged a few emails since. It has now been a week since I heard from him and I don’t know what to think. He also removed and blocked me from his facebook the day he left.

I cry everyday. I am hurt by his actions (or rather, lack of them). And angry at both myself and him – that he would be so callous with me and my feelings, and that I ever let myself fancy him much less love him and entertain the idea we might be together one day. What should I do? Friends say I just need to give him time. I am not in contact with him now so as to give him space, but he is not contacting me. I’m not sure if he thinks I’m the one disregarding him by not contacting him, but I have initiated the contact both times since he left. Should I just accept I was a fling and he played with my feelings? I am tempted to wait another week and get in touch to say if he doesn’t want anything to do with me he should just say so. I suppose I want closure. Right now I don’t know what to do or think.

Thanks for your help!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

[quote]I am hurt by his actions (or rather, lack of them). And angry at both myself and him – that he would be so callous with me and my feelings, and that I ever let myself fancy him much less love him and entertain the idea we might be together one day. What should I do? Friends say I just need to give him time. I am not in contact with him now so as to give him space, but he is not contacting me. I’m not sure if he thinks I’m the one disregarding him by not contacting him, but I have initiated the contact both times since he left. Should I just accept I was a fling and he played with my feelings? I am tempted to wait another week and get in touch to say if he doesn’t want anything to do with me he should just say so. I suppose I want closure. Right now I don’t know what to do or think.[/quote]

I’m sorry you’re hurt, but you have to take some responsibility for your behavior, not just blame him. The truth is you met him in January and it’s April. At the three month mark in dating, that’s when you decide whether or not you want to continue dating each other. You jumped the gun — and paid the price. 😳

You’ve tried to contact him twice and he rebuffed your contact with silence. Plus, he blocked you from Facebook. This is a clear sign he doesn’t want contact with you any more. It’s over. The closure you want isn’t going to happen. The closure you got is him blocking you from Facebook. I know it’s hard for you to accept this because you liked him so much, but he’s given you closure. His kind of closure. My advice is to not contact him again and move on — but with the lessons you’ve learned about dating.

Here are a couple of pointers that I think will help you:

1. If you meet someone who has an “expiration date”, reconsider dating him. In other words, if you know he’s leaving the country in a few months, there’s a great chance that the relationship is temporary. Instead, look for someone who’s local enough that you can more easily build a long term relationship together. 😉

2. Mr. Right is usually ready to be Mr. Right. Your guy was younger than you are, still in school and going to go home to a different country in a few months. This isn’t a good profile for Mr. Right. Instead, find someone who’s more ready to match your relationship goals. Someone who’s got a steady job and wants to settle down is a much safer bet for you than someone who’s experiencing the world and is pretty upfront about it. I know you’ll tell me that he said he would propose to you one day. Your job is to realize you don’t know him that well and that while it’s romantic for him to tell you this, actions speak louder than words. Many times men say things because they want to feel good, whether it’s emotionally or sexually or both. Your job is to make sure his actions match up with his words (and if they don’t, trust his actions) before you commit emotionally or otherwise.

Hope this helps. Let me know how things go and please follow me @AskAPrilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]: [/url]. 🙂

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