[imstressed1973]

Hi,

Just a little back story on me, I was married in 2000. In 2004, my husband and I seperated due to his multiple infidelities. After that, I barely dated. I had a long distance “relationship” with someone I had known for years, who I found out was a compulsive liar. Luckily that relationship wasn’t very serious. Other than that, for 10 years, I did not date. In October, I decided to try my luck again. I joined a dating site and went out on two dates with two different men. The second man I met and I clicked immediately. We had so much in common it was actually somewhat scary. We began seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week every week for 6 months. I fell in love. I would have done anything for this man. He was recently divorced and somewhat gun shy to relationships. I was willing to take things slow and see what happened. His childern and my children were the same ages and got along great! His family was wonderful, and my family loved him. We laughed together all the time. I however was in a bad time in my life. I was finishing school and living with family. My confidence level was way lower than typical. Twice during our relationship we went out and imbibed a little too much. On both of those nights, I being drunk and stupid would ask him where things were going. He would freak out and back off saying he didn’t know what he wanted. I would apologize profusely for days, but it would take weeks to get him feeling comfortable again and I always was walking on egg shells. He was not the greatest communicator, but I was trying to be ok with never hearing deep thoughts. I was seeing a counselor during this time, and she mentioned that he was the “emotionally unavailable” type, and I would likely never be truly happy, as I really want someone who is open and physically attentive (hold hands, hugs…) This just wasn’t him. However, I was in love, and I was willing to give up all the things I wanted from someone to be with him. The biggest problem with the lack of communication was I never felt truly secure with him. In part that was my own confidence level though. Anywho, 6 months into the relationship was when we had the second “fight” over where our relationship was going. Just days before, he was saying he felt we had a future together and was staring to fall in love with me. After our “fight”, he started to back off completely. Eventually he told me he just wanted to be friends, that I deserve someone way better than him. It destroyed me. It’s now been two months and I still am a mess. I still talk to his sister, and at one point she mentioned that she asked him what happened. He got emotional and said he told her he was concerned he didn’t have enough time to give me… He said he was not ready for a big commitment and didn’t want me plan everything around him. She felt he did it to “protect” me. I have tried moving on. I have better days than others, however he is in my thoughts constantly. I try to convince myself he is no good for me and I would never have been truly happy. But what I felt with him was something I had never felt before. I honestly would have spent the rest of my life with him. I have never been in love like that. I’m trying to not have any communication with him, even though I constantly want to contact him, but I don’t. The one time I did, just sending him a funny picture with I note that it made me think of him, I received no response. So clearly he has moved on and wants nothing to do with me. I wish I had a magic wand to make me feel the same way. I have dated, but no one is him. So I have put dating on hold knowing I won’t find anyone until I can be over him completely. I guess I’m not sure what advice I’m seeking. I just know my friends are tired of hearing me talk about how hard this is for me. I have since graduated from grad school and began working. I have my own place for my children and I, and my confidence level is almost back to normal. I just want to be happy again. I am tired of breaking down crying or having that heavy feeling and grieving.

Kari

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Congratulations on finishing school, getting a job, and a home for you and your kids! That’s all great work. 😀 Now, you have to apply that same type of energy to dating smart. I strongly recommend you buy and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], a book I wrote for women who want to date successfully. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It sounds like you don’t have a lot of dating experience since your divorce, and you could use some support with dating basics. 😉 Some of the information may seem, on first glance, to be basic, but from your story here, you need to review the basics and process some concepts like, just because you love him, doesn’t mean he’s Mr. Right — or that he loves you back. And you should never have “the talk” with a guy about the status of the relationship. Trust me, you already know the status of the relationship, and when you start having those talks he hates, it’s because you’re disappointed — and no man wants to disappoint his woman. 😉 And here’s a good one: Assume that during the first 3-6 months he’s seeing other people, as you should be, too. Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating him, the second six months to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. This will slow down the process and force you to really get to know him (and yourself), so you don’t invest too much energy in someone who is not your Mr. Right.

I hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts