[sweetdaisylady]

Hello everyone.
This is my first time posting here but I am desperate and don’t know where to turn. I’ve talked to friends and fear they are getting sick of hearing everything by now, Let me explain my scenario:

The guy and I were dating for 1.5 years (I’m in my late 20s and he is in his early thirties). He had to move to the opposite coast for a job. When he found out he’d be sent out there (he found out in April), he asked me to come with him. I told him I loved him and of course I wanted to, but that I would need a commitment in the form of an engagement ring (we’d talked many times about how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other) before picking up my whole life, leaving my small and incredibly close family, friends, and job and uprooting everything I’ve ever known to follow him. He agreed but said he did not have the $ but to give him one month to save up and he’d have it. I made it clear I didn’t need anything expensive. He gets out there. Within a week of getting out there, he gets a DUI (he is totally straight-laced and has NEVER been in any sort of trouble, is a professional, etc. So naturally, he is devastated and worried how this will affect him professionally, and also is embarrassed for personal reasons)… keep this detail in mind for later). I’m totally supportive of him. One month passes (he comes home to visit but no ring). We continue to take every day. After about 2 months of him being out there, I go visit him. He seems subdued, just not his happy go lucky self. He blows it off and cheers up as our time together continues. I return home, we continue to talk. He tells me I’ll be there by Halloween at the latest. Then it gets to now be September and he tells me he wants me to come live there and get situated for November. I remind him that I do love him, but can’t make the move without the ring. He tells me, in so many words, it will be coming in October so I might as well start making arrangements and getting my stuff together and in line to move.

Here’s where s*&t hit the fan…

He gets here the first night and everything is going great. He then brings up about how he didn’t buy something he really wanted at the store even though it was a great deal “because I’m saving up for something important.” That being a ring. So in summary, it’s October (when he indicated he’d propose and I’d move out there the following month) and he’s still in the process of [b]saving[/b]. Basically we’ve been talking about this for 7 months, since the past April. One month came and went, 2 months came and went, summer came and went, now I’m supposedly moving in November but it’s October and he’s still saving. I’m a little upset because basically, I’m a sitting duck, waiting for him to make his move to decide when I uproot everything and move to where he is. I felt it was getting a little ridiculous he kept giving me timeframes that continually kept getting pushed back more and more. Not to mention, he had purchased a bicycle and some electronics while out there, which I felt he if he was really serious about getting me out there, he would have saved whatever he could. I’m of the mindset “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I very calmly inquire what the time line is looking like, if he’s still saving and it’s already October. He tells me that I should be able to come [b]visit[/b] him in November. I remind him that he told me I’d be [b]moving [/b]there in November. I remind him that I’ve been living at home, dying to move out from my parent’s, hating my job and wanting a change and that I keep waiting and waiting, because no sense getting an apartment/new job if I’m allegedly moving to where he is soon. Long story short, I then point blank ask him: “Are you ready to commit to me?” And he just stares. He then says “I think so.” Of course, I start bawling because I was basically ready to move my whole life for him, love hi, have been told this is happening, and now all of a sudden he “thinks” he’s ready. Now, he had flown in right after work all during the night and barely gotten any sleep. So he says (while we are BOTH crying) “I didn’t mean it that way, I’m tired, I didn’t realize it’d come out that way.” We sleep on it and agree to talk later. At this point, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Next day….
I approach him about it. Told him, we had to talk sooner rather than later, because my whole foundation had been rocked. That we couldn’t just hang out now without talking about things, because it was on my mind. Reminded him that he had bought some expensive things since he moved. He started crying and told me that he had to buy the bike to ride to work because of the DUI, and that he’s humiliated about that, that he hates where he lives but he’s stuck there for work. I say to him “Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” And he just stares at me, with tears in his eyes. Says to me “I’m not as normal as you think.” I ask him of course what that means. He says he’s depressed due to all of the above. That he’d been depressed once in college before. That basically, since the DUI thing, he doesn’t even care about anything anymore, and he can’t commit to me right now (remember how I had noticed he seemed depressed when I went to visit hi…) I get really upset and out of pure emotion, just react before thinking and say some pretty mean things about how he’s led me on, how he just told me the day before he was tired and that’s why he said he couldn’t commit, etc etc. He’s supposed to stay the weekend but I tell him that’s probably not a great idea. He says “I love you, I came here to see you. I want to spend time with you.” But I told him I just didn’t think I could handle it, knowing everything has changed. That the plan for starting out life together was a big question mark in his mind, even though he’d been telling me it was definitely happening all along. I pay for his flight back. He tells me he loves me and that I’m the best person he’s ever known, that this is the best relationship he’s ever had, but that he’s “messed up” and I “deserve someone better” and that he is “sure I’ll find someone I deserve.” He didn’t even fight for me, fight to have me wait for him, or anything. That night, he stayed at the hotel himself and I stayed at home. He texted me telling me that he didn’t care what happened to him, that he had been having thoughts to hurt himself but that he could be safe and he’d not actually hurt himself because his parents would be heartbroken. I told him that despite our earlier convo, I still thought he was a great person and that I was in his corner. I apologized for some of the below the belt things I said out of my being hurt and embarrassed and shocked. I am the only one that knows about his DUI at this point. His family doesn’t know, and he didn’t tell any friends.

He did text me when he got home to say he was back. We texted back and forth a little. The next day I sent him a text just saying that I was hoping he was ok. We texted back and forth again a bit, he told me he had regrets and needed to think about what he’d done (in terms of our relationship). I told him again that if he needed to talk, I was here for him and wishing him the best, but that I’d give him space and not add any drama or confusion to his life. He said he’s be in touch…

So….what do I make of all this? I feel numb…like I can’t function. Like I’ll never be happy. To say I’m totally crushed is an understatement. Luckily, I have off a few days before I have to go back to work. But I just don’t know how I’ll function or what to make of all of this. Any insight is appreciated in advance 😥

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to turn him into someone he’s not, and make him want something he doesn’t. 😳 He’s been remarkably clear with his behavior — and more recently, with his words — that he’s not getting you a ring anytime soon, and he said the magic words: “You deserve better than me.” That’s how a guy lets you down easy: It’s not you — it’s me. 🙁

I don’t think he was ever going to propose to you. A marriage proposal is a question. The ring is a symbol of his valuing you and the answer you give him — but lots of people get engaged without jewelry. When he told you he couldn’t buy you a ring (even a simple band without a diamond would have worked, and isn’t expensive), he was buying himself time to try and get you out there without an engagement. When his behavior stopped matching his promise, it was time for you to wake up and smell the coffee — but everybody takes their own time to do that. Eventually, his behavior didn’t match his words — behavior always trumps words when you’re uncertain of his intentions. And now, it’s all pretty clear. He’s not interested in marriage.

My advice is to move on. I know you’re disappointed and you expected to be engaged and moving in with your boyfriend, but it isn’t happening, and I have a feeling you already know this, and you’re not trying to make sense of what’s happened — you’re just trying to heal your heart. In the big picture, you dodged a bullet and found out who he is and what he does and doesn’t want — before you uprooted your life, or even did marry someone who wasn’t that into you. 😉 You can do better — and you will.

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