[FAQApril2011]

I am not sure how much to press the following topic with my boyfriend – the feelings he has had in the past or present for his close female friend. We are in our late 30s and have been together for over six months, however we are coming off a three week break where we didn’t speak but ultimately both decided we do want to be together. I trust that he has been faithful the past six months.

My subconscious is telling me that something does not add up with a platonic female friend he has had for over five years. It’s not that I think he is cheating on me with her, but I believe there might be underlying feelings there that he is not owning up to. It is possible that he thinks of her like a sister like he says, but It is possible he had feelings for her at one point that she rejected.

In the four months prior to him meeting me – he took her to his work holiday party, he took her on a work trip to Hawaii because “he would not have to worry about her” and could play golf the entire time. They once jokingly said that if neither of them got married maybe they would consider it one day, although she said it would be a marriage without sex. She also made fb comments inquiring when was “her husband coming home”. Again, this was all before my boyfriend and I met.

This week, while puling up a movie for us to watch I came across a photo saved to his computer desktop of her in a revealing costume from over 7 months ago. It was not on his desktop before. I made a joke about it to him but it is actually really bothering me. I am not sure how to handle this. Should I make this a bigger deal? I think I would be naive not to say something, however, I don’t want to come across as jealous or not trusting, especially when our relationship is still on the mend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct — he does have feelings for his female friend. Now that you know it, you get to decide what kind of behavior to adopt. 😉

Never give a man an ultimatum. You’re not his mother. You’re not his wife. You don’t have children together — you’re someone he’s been dating for six months. An ultimatum is inappropriate and it will drive him away. So chalk that off your list of possible behaviors. 🙂

Should you bring this up? No. My advice is to understand he has feelings for this other woman, and if you want him to put you on a pedestal and make you the one he adores, then you have to earn that position — not make him feel guilty for liking another woman. In other words, you have to win his adoration, not talk to him about it or beat it out of him.

Let it go and focus on being the kind of woman he would drop everything — and everyone — for. 😎

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