[Anonymous]

I am 26 and have been engaged for 2 years and with the same guy for 7. He is 33. For the past year we have rarely had sex. Usually once or twice a month, and sometimes longer. It is my fault and not his completely. I have worried something was wrong with me and object felt very guilty that I can’t please him in that way.

Recently I spent a weekend away from him to be in a wedding. I ended up getting romantic with another guy. We talked and kissed and I felt butterflies. We had been drinking but the attraction was real. I stopped things before they went any further. I haven’t stopped thinking about that guy since then. I have imagined what it would have been like if I had gone home with him, and what might have been if I were single. Worse, I keep thinking of ways I can see him again. I have no intentions of ever telling my fiancé and I don’t feel guilty which bothers me.

My fiancé and I had a rough start. He cheated and dumped me several times when we started dating. I was 19 when we started dating so I always went back to him. Since then he has been faithful. We lost both of his parents in recent years and that really bonded us. I feel as though I missed out on some of the best years of my life at times. I never gave much thought as to why we have been engaged for 2 years but I believe I am scared I may not have made the right decision.

I feel as though I’ve trapped myself. I couldn’t leave him after all he has done for me. I love him so much, but I’m not in love with him. He doesn’t like to talk much so I never know what he is thinking. He doesn’t like to do much. He drinks just for the sake of drinking. I like to drink at times too, but in a social setting. He has provided me a home for 5 years and we have 3 animals that are like our kids. I don’t know if he would move on if I left and I could not live with myself if I knew I ruined his life. I am close to his family and wouldn’t want to upset them either. I feel as though I have ruined both of our lives.

Do I try and fix whatever might be broken in me or in him? Do I just keep living like we have? It hasn’t been a noticeable problem until I realized I was missing out on life and that I don’t have a lot in common with my fiancé. I can’t tell him about the other guy and I can’t just leave I don’t think. He may be just as tired of this as me. I wish he would talk to me, we might have mutual feelings.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t help him — you can only help yourself, and it sounds like you’re stuck in a rut. It’s not normal to have only monthly sex for a year at your age. In fact, it sounds like you’re both depressed. You describe him as not talking much, not doing much, drinking a little too much — no wonder you’re fantasizing about a guy you flirted with at a wedding! You want to live a full life, and with your fiance, you’re not getting that.

It’s telling that you are in denial about your two year engagement with no wedding date in sight. After dating for seven years, and being engaged for two, someone has to do something about this relationship that’s circling the drain. Since he’s cheated on you in the past and you haven’t had much sex in a year there’s a strong chance he’s cheating on you again. A healthy, 33 year old, unmarried man, isn’t going to go an entire year with only once a month sex. 😳 Clearly you don’t want to get married and neither does he but you’re both being passive aggressive and this isn’t healthy. If either one of you really wanted to get married, you’d be married already! Your guilt at “ruining his life” by breaking up with him is unfounded. The reality is that he’ll be able to get out there and find Ms. Right if you let him go — and you’ll be able to find Mr. Right — but only if you move on.

Be brave and face facts. Its time (way past time, actually) for you to stop wasting your life and his and move on.

I’m sorry this is hard for you, but if you don’t move on you’re going to be very sorry.

I hope this helps.

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