[zola007]

Please help me to at least try to understand my boss’ behaviour towards me. I’ve worked with him for approx 3.5 yrs, he is a fair bit older than me (50 years old and I’m 33) , both single. Things changed approx. 2 yrs ago when i was busy at my desk. When passing him something, he interlaced his fingers with mine. I’ve never had that happen to me before. We were both very quiet, after he lifted my finger to take the item he was very quiet and went away. After this time there was some flirting, or what i think is flirting, for approx a year: smiling every time we talk, staring and long eye contact when talking, and he would look at my lips alot when i spoke. However at the back of my mind i began to wonder what all this was about. I noticed that when i was talking to other men at work he would often come up to speak to them or interrupt. At an evening work event I smiled to greet two other older male co-workers who’d arrived and they said hi. Immediately, I then smiled to greet my boss who’d also just arrived with these men, and he stared straight at me. I looked away as I felt flustered. He then came and sat next to me. During the evening i had been asked to pass bread up the table to him and those other men next to him. He said to me that I needn’t pass them bread as they’ll ask if they want it. (He mentioned a few times that he tends to stare when he’s shy. I laughed and said he didnt appear the shy type. He said he was.) During this time period at work he would come up to my desk, sometimes be posturing or he would touch personal items on my desk and make a few innuendos which I would smile at and look down as i felt a bit embarrassed or we’d be talking but always smiling.

Approx 1.5 yrs ago i was transferred to a new office by the overall manager. My boss has never asked me about how I’m getting on in the new office. He explained that the move was outwith his control. Since the move of office things felt strange as i felt he was being aloof. At an evening out I asked him why he’d seemd distant and joked had i been “thrown out” of his office. He said no, and that he didnt mean to give me that impression. He then went on to give one of those examples that you think means something else, or maybe nothing. He said that he’s trying to get something across to someone at work but he feels they are not taking on board what he’s saying and that he doesnt know what to do. He didn’t go into any details which for him is suspect, I laughed it off and said well you could walk away, he aughed and said he couldn’t do that at work! Later on in the night he explained how he should try to keep his professional distance from interns as he was informal with a few of them a few years ago. Again this was out the blue. Im confused by this because his words dont match his actions. At this same evening out, we were back to the usual chit-chat but I”d noticed his tone was more informal teasing/joking. For example, he’d joked that I’d be staying over at a friend’s son’s house (based on something i’d mentioned to him 8 months prior, about a friend trying to set me up with her son). At that night out, we sat next to each other and when he was talking he brushed his arm against mine twice quickly and then touched the inside of my crossed leg (just inside the knee). That seemed unusual. When ordering everyone’s drinks he’d prempted my order before i could speak and said that i’d be wanting a complicated drink(I like cocktails)! At the night out we were talking about holidays and it got round to being single. He brought up from a time before that I wouldnt believe him that he’s shy and that he’s struggled being single. I’m confused about what’s going on, was his hypothetical work example of folks at work not taking on board what he’s saying related to his statement about him being shy? I’ve given him no reason to think that I’d be professionally inapropriate with him. I’m very professional and take great pride in my work.
At another night out many months later, I was joking around about something and he asked me what i dream about. I giggled and laughed this off, but felt confused – he didnt seem shy asking me that! At other times, I also noticed that he would often walk straight over and be behind me in queues, but wouldnt speak. But watching him, he’s be comfortable speaking to thers in queues. Or he would appear somewhere i was at work .

About 6 months ago he joined a team group i was in (we dont see each other often) and he began praising my description of a process, and praised me about three times. I felt happy about the praise ofcourse, but also a bit awkward since it was a bit excessive, especially since he hadnt been acknowledging me. However, I smiled whilst remaining looking at my paper. After a short time when the conversation was moving on, i looked up, and a strange feeling came over me because he was still looking at me, his eyes were really looking into me. He has a half smile on his face and his eyes seemed glassy and looking into me. I smiled and continued listening, but felt very off-balance and confused.

At a recent party with others from work one of his male friends came to my table to join in the chatter. As soon as the man sat next to me, my boss came over and sat opposite, but didnt join in the chatter. He just sat there. His friend asked me to sing karaoke which is a bit of fun, and something again, ive never done. This too seemed a bit unusual to ask me, I certainly not the party girl by any stretch, quite boring really and driven at work. My boss took a lot of interest in going to find his friend and getting things started as i had to leave for my lift immediately afterwards. When i went to say goodbye to my boss he had that “rabbit caught in the headlights” facial expression i’ve seen before when he’s caught unawares or something. He never made a funny or teasing comment about the singing (which being natural or friendly you’d expect)- he turned his back to the friend he was talking to at the time, just stood there and thanked me for coming. I’m struggling to understand his facial expression and why he would have the “rabbit in the headlights expression” at a party, yet he was laughing and getting his photos taken with other folk at work. An older male co-worker told me the other day that my boss said i had a lovely singing voice….. Following the party I’ve been off work, and in the few times ive passed him, he has been “searching” in his bag or he’ll fidget with his phone when i speak to others in the team.
Can you help me to understand what’s going on… Im not sure what to make of the staring, compliments, teasing and then silence and awkward fidgetting when i say something? Is this all just a game he’s been playing or does he genuinely not like me- i sometimes wonder if its an intense dislike. That too makes me uneasy as I’ve never reacted to things – just got on with my work. However, the swings in his manners are beginning to become more noticeable to me at least???

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Can you help me to understand what’s going on… Im not sure what to make of the staring, compliments, teasing and then silence and awkward fidgetting when i say something? Is this all just a game he’s been playing or does he genuinely not like me- i sometimes wonder if its an intense dislike. [/quote]

He’s flirting with you, but he’s not really making a move to ask you out on a date.

Hope that helps you understand what’s going on. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[zola007]

How should i respond to him? Just as I’ve been doing by keeping things firendly and neutral or should i ask him what he’s doing?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It really depends on what you want in terms of a relationship with him.

Do you want to date him? Just have a professional relationship with him?

[zola007]

Thanks for staying in touch. Yes I would consider dating him as we have fun and I get a good feeling aorund him. I am traditional and think its the man’s place to lead – he knows I feel this was. However, if he is never going to ask me out, how should i respond to him- ignore him altogether- continuing to flirt seems pointless. I dont know why he’s kept up the staring etc as I mentioned in my first post, since he hasn’t gained anything from it.??? What would you advise is the best way forward?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you like someone, and are interested in dating them, flirting is a great way to let them know you’re interested. If you’ve been doing that and he doesn’t ask you out, I can see how after a while you’d get discouraged, however….. if there’s a way for you to flirt with him without investing so much energy that you’re constantly “taking stock” of where the two of you stand, then it’s a painless investment to keep flirting. 😉 And that’s what I recommend. In addition, don’t put all your eggs in one basket with this guy. In other words, flirt with him, but also consider other options in dating opportunities. You can flirt with many guys at once, and that’s not cheating or being promiscuous. It’s being smart. 😉 And it will keep you from feeling like you’re keeping score with your flirting vs. his acting on your flirting. Instead, it will just be a part of who you are as an attractive, single woman. 🙂

And again, he’s staring at you because he’s interested in you. He finds you attractive, and he’s looking! You’re probably not questioning his staring as much as you are his not asking you out. Men are very visual — more so than women — and when they see something they like, they look!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[zola007]

Thanks for all the advice April- it was very helpful and reassuring 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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