[djohn074]

Hello April,
I am a 26 year old black female who is attractive, confident, two college degrees, no children and I’m very loyal. For the past 2 years or so, I have been dating a wonderful man. We ironically are from the same city. He is in Afghanistan currently and we have been separated for about 11 months and he is returning very soon in May 2014. He also has a Bachelor’s degree, same age and no kids, I know surprising! He is very intelligent and a huge thinker sometimes too much for his own good. He was in a 2-3 year relationship with a girl in college who took advantage of him, time and time again she would cheat and she would tell him, but he would stay and hope she would stop. Then he thought he was in love and bought a ring to propose. He held onto it to make sure and the same week she told him she cheated on him for like the 4th time but this time with his friend. He broke it off and it took him 2 depressed years to get over this rachet girl. He didn’t believe in marriage anymore and thought all girls were scandalous. We share our heartbreaks about our exes and he told me he was over all of it. My issue is as we progressed and I become his official girlfriend he started to question my whereabouts, who certain people were, the clothes I wore etc. He would overthink and dig deep into things and ask a million questions. Each time I would assure him he is the only one. Mind you, that I NEVER gave him reason to doubt me or think I was unfaithful…it’s because of his past pain and has even admitted that he knows he has a problem and that he finally started really trusting me after one whole YEAR of us being together. That really hurts a genuine woman like me! So I gave him an ultimatum and told him I would have to walk away b/c the main ingredient in a relationship is trust and he doesn’t fully have that for me. So he begs me not to leave him and promised he would change. I even went to counseling separately and he has done 2 over-the phone- sessions there which has helped me but he thinks his didn’t b/c he said he already knew everything. Let me give you some other information on my pain besides him not trusting me: before deployment he planned to propose and told all my co-workers and his too but he didn’t go thru with it because he wanted a better ring and decided it’s best if he was here so we can enjoy it together. I was left here to answer questions from people who didn’t understand why it didn’t happen. That was very embarrassing and took me a while to get over and want an engagement period. On top of that, before we were “official” I found a half naked girl in his phone and another girl that called him at 4am. He handled both incidents and I haven’t had any issues since then which was like 2 years ago, but wouldn’t you think I was the one with TRUST issues?! Lastly, let me give you some example of his trust problems which have heightened since he has been deployed: I threw him a lavish SURPRISE going away party before he left and after I threw it he told me he thought I was cheating on him b/c I was secretive- duh I was planning as surprise! Mind you this is 2 weeks before he left and then he realized that he should trust me (after 1 year of us together) and that he should of proposed. I went to a comedy club with my girls, took a pic with the famous comedian and he was upset b/c I took a group pic with my friends and the comedian had his hand around my waist. Not in any certain way, it was a regular pose and he went crazy saying that’s a pose only couples do. Then, I went to the strip club for the FIRST time with my girls he was happy for me b/c this was the time period he was supposed to be working on trust and he tells me “I trust you ,have a good time, throw some $, let ur hair down” etc like he was cool with it. Two weeks past and obviously it’s been on his mind and he asks me in depth questions about the strippers which I told him I wouldn’t answer bc I know how he gets and got so mad bc I wouldn’t tell him! It’s like he tells me he trusts me to convince himself first, which is not genuine to me. I’ve wrote to much I know…but recently he told me he thinks I have another guy lined up or that I might be seeing someone else randomly which threw me over the top bc I have been totally loyal. I have cut off any guy friends, stopped going out to avoid issues, and I tell him everything. Everything else about him is PERFECT. In essence, He treats me good and bad at the same time. He always sends flowers, sentimental gifts, goes out of his way but he doesn’t realize I’m yearning for his trust which is not the same as these love gestures. He tells me he wants to get engaged as soon as he comes home and that I’m his soulmate, I’ve given him reason to believe in love again etc. Also I urgently need to decide something bc he lives with me and I prefer to make up my mind before he comes back to avoid getting comfortable and making it harder to let him go. My friends tell me I have to decide if his imperfections are worth throwing it all away and to stick with him bc I can’t find a man who is 100% of what I need nowadays. Letting him go would be hard. Can his trust issue be fixed?? What should I do? Is this enough to walk away from?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve been dating a guy for two years now, and at some point you moved in together, but now he’s deployed with the military — and has been for about half of that time, and he’s on his way home. You seem to have two concerns: one that he’s consistently been suspicious of your fidelity, and second that he promised to propose and then didn’t. Now you write that you want him to fix his trust issues — but you want to decide whether to stay or go before he return home. I suspect you’re concerned about the proposal that was on the table and then went away, too. Overall, it sounds like his return is making you feel pressured to decide what to do. Since you’re already living together and haven’t been in the same country for almost a year, it would be prudent to see how things go when he returns home. You’re already in a committed relationship with him, although without a ring and a date, so wait until he gets home before you make a decision.

The next thing is to put your focus in the right place. He’s been pretty clear with you from day one that he has these trust issues, and this hasn’t changed. But you mentioned that after a year of dating he did trust you — but I’m not sure if you now trust him to continue trusting you. Instead of getting him to “fix” his trust issues, look in the mirror and decide if this is someone you want to be with, given who he is. Rather than looking to him to make changes, look to yourself to stop expecting him to be someone he’s not. 😉 If you’re dating a guy who feels jealous, then maybe going to a strip club with your girlfriends isn’t a great idea. Or posing with a comedian for a photo, when the guy has his arm around your waist, isn’t a great idea, either.

You see, rather than argue with him about these things and who’s right and who’s wrong, you could simply decide that a strip club, or a photo with a comedian, aren’t deal breakers for you, and let them go. This is all about looking at things differently and deciding what’s really important. Nobody who’s honest is 100% perfect — or even 100% perfect for each other — but we all have a list of deal breakers, whether we articulate them or not, and you have to decide if his trust issues and the circumstances they create, are deal breakers for you or not. Are you willing to be with him if it means you can’t go to strip clubs or take photos with other guys? Maybe he’ll want you to check in with him daily or when you’re out. Is that a deal breaker for you? For some women this is fine. For others, it’s not.

I hope that helps you decide. Let me know how things go.

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