[IBCpickle]

so, what’s the big deal? you may be asking. true, this might sound innocuous enough at first. but let me provide a little context, and then, if you would, please help me figure out what this means!

my “he” is a boy i’ve been dating now, off and on, for the past 6 years. he lives in england, i live in california, so it’s been difficult, to say the least. but i think we must genuinely care about each other– i mean, why else keep returning to the least convenient relationship either of us have ever known?

anyway, because of the distance, we only get to see each other once every 4-6 months. (though we also skype or text nearly everyday.) recently, i studied abroad in spain, and so i was able to make a 5-day stop over in england when the program ended, and it was… well, have you ever been around a person who makes you feel more yourself than anyone else? in the best possible ways? well… that’s cheesy, but there you go. i’m a cheese, then. sharp cheddar.

i should also mention that he made a big effort to meet me in paris one weekend during my stay abroad, even though he had to piss off his company to do it and probably couldn’t really afford it, either…

wow! PHEW, quite a bit of context (sorry!), but now to get to the meat of it:

so, he’s currently in mexico with a (markedly single) friend of his– in other words, on “my side” of the pond– but, as my title alluded to, i am not invited to visit. nor is he going to make any stop to see me. despite the proximity of the countries, and despite the fact that the past two visits have been my flying to see him on “his side” of the pond.

and this is not even the first (or second, or third…) time we’ve been in close proximity of each other and he has refused the chance to see me.

we’ve hurt each other in different ways over the years– which i will not get into– but it’s a fragile thing we have. i am trying not to be mad about his decision not to see me, as i think he is just trying to get this bachelor adventure out of his system… but it just does hurt, and it sends me into “red alert mode”, and i don’t know if that’s justified or if i am turning mole hills into mountains? as i am sometimes (admittedly) wont to do.

it’s also not just his recurring unwillingness to see me– he also only allows me to visit him when it’s on his terms! for instance, i could have visited him for new years this past year, but he made it clear he didn’t want me to. and this is just the simplest of several examples. (he also remains close friends with a number of his ex-lovers… but i won’t even start with that!)

but now you have the gist of the situation. probably biased, but i’ve tried to be fair. (i’m sure he’d disagree, though!)

and now’s the part where i ask you: do i just need to be more trusting? or am i being disillusioned into thinking we have something more than we do? but most importantly… what would carrie bradshaw do?

thanks, if you made it this far! and if you have any advice, double thanks!

xx, pickle

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you both are, and that always helps me give better advice, but given what you did write, here’s my response:

[quote]and now’s the part where i ask you: do i just need to be more trusting? or am i being disillusioned into thinking we have something more than we do? but most importantly… what would carrie bradshaw do?[/quote]

You have to decide what YOU want, not what Carrie Bradshaw would do. The fictional character on a cancelled TV show based on a novel, would get hurt, find a new guy, and write about her pain. Over, and over, and over, until people stopped being interested in her journey. The real life author would marry a ballet dancer, get divorced, and have a writing career — which is what she did. The actress who made Carrie Bradshaw so famous, is a married mother of three with a big career and a love of fashion. And you….?

It sounds like you love the romanticism of travel, exotic locations, and feeling like you’ve got a relationship you can count on — even if after 6 years, you only see each other a couple of times a year. What you don’t like about the relationship is that he’s not monogamous, and sometimes, you’re not his number one woman. You don’t need to be more trusting with him — I think you’re pretty clear on his behavior, even though you don’t like it. But you do have to be more trusting of yourself. 😉 Trust what it is you really want because your post here isn’t entirely honest. Charming is not honest. Decide if you want monogamy, and if you do, then behave as if you do. If you don’t want monogamy, that’s fine, but then be all in and accept the relationship you have with this guy which sounds like it’s never, or maybe rarely, been monogamous — albeit many other things you like.

This seems like a problem, but if you turn it on it’s head, it’s actually an opportunity for your growth, as you see what you don’t like, and decide what you’re going to do next. Imagine what Carrie Bradshaw might have done to keep her show on the air….. and what you’re going to do when you stop basing your life on a cancelled TV show character. 😀

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