[reggie1981]

Ill try and keep this as brief as possible.

Recently I moved countries to live and be with the man I fell in love with. He knew I had (2) children and that I was a single mum and had been since my youngest was a baby. I stayed single for 7 years because I didn’t want to be that type of mother with boyfriends coming and going. My relationship with my current partner has in the past been turbulent due to circumstances that couldn’t be helped and just plain old bad timing. So this is round 3 for us. It took over 6 months of talking long distance and communicating what we want and need to really come to the decision that this is really what WE wanted. I moved in December to set up and find work and a place for all of us to live and the children followed in late January. Since the kids have arrived and started school I thought it would be easier to find work but its proven to be hard, not impossible but hard. My savings has now all gone, with the set up it cost a fair whack. Now he is supporting us. I am forever grateful for his support but its not ideal. Iv always been an independent woman with a job and goals and a life. But here is the kicker, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to be a step father to my children, he doesn’t know if he wants to do this all over again, he has 3 grown girls.

Now I’m in position where iv spent everything I had to move and now he tells me this. I’m lost for words and have no idea what this means. I’m waiting for him to come home from work so we can talk properly as he only told me this morning. I just need some advice on what I should do and say to this? I know my kids can be a handful and my son particularly can be hard. I also know that everyone is still adjusting to the move and everyone being under one roof. I just feeling very confused, hurt, and mostly I’m feeling insecure and doubting my decision of uplifting and moving my children away from the only home they have every known…

[AskApril Masini]

I’m very sorry for what sounds like a very tough situation. I think it’s going to be easy to look backwards and point fingers, and it will be more productive to move forward. Blending families is very difficult, and there are many, many bumps in the road. If he’s dug in that he’s made a mistake and doesn’t want to do this, that would be good to know. But if he’s reacting to something — like a particular incident, a bad day, or an argument — this could just be his saying something he doesn’t really mean, because he’s overwhelmed and annoyed, and it’ll blow over. Obviously, it’s important to figure that out and give him time to figure that out, as well.

If he has had enough and doesn’t want to be together any more, then you have to make some practical decisions that will end the relationship and get you and your kids back on your feet again. You can move back to where you lived before you moved to be with him. Or you can look for support where you are, and stay there.

If you do write again, let me know how long the two of you have been dating. You said it’s round 3 — which I guess means 2 break ups — but let me know the time line. That may help.

[reggie1981]

Thank you for your reply,
We have known each other for almost 4 years. When we first dated it lasted a few months, it ended due to his ex wife taking his girls to live in Australia without his knowledge. His priority was his kids and because of that he said he wasn’t sure if he would move also and he needed time to work that out and it would be unfair to carry on with the relationship until he figured out what he wanted to do.
We stayed in contact as friends for over a year when he said he was finally moving. Just before he left we went on a few dates, one thing lead to another and we both admitted that we loved each other but again timing wasn’t right. He moved, continuing to stay in contact because not only we’re we good friends we loved each other. His first few months there, we talked about us and what if i moved there? The big problem was my children, how would they cope and would their father say yes to the move. My children have a great relationship with their dad and i didn’t want to take them away. So I had to weigh things up. I did eventually ask my ex husband if i could take the kids to Australia and naturally he said no. I understood where he was coming from and the kids we’re little, among everything else. But i flew over to see him for 2 weeks to really see if what we had was real and maybe we could do the long distance thing or try and work out what our next step would be. I went over spent 2 amazing weeks with him, But the timing just wasn’t right. He felt bad about being the reason my children would be moving away from their dad and although we loved each other it just wasn’t the time. so i flew home heart broken. We both moved on, fast forward 2 years of staying in contact and writing and calling, and getting to really know each other as good friends and he tells me he’s coming home for a visit. Around this time me ex husband broke up with his girlfriend, and he had talked about moving to Australia, I had lived there before having children and wanted to go to go back eventually. When my current partner arrived we went away for a weekend and we spent most of his holiday together. I told him that i might be moving to Australia and he said if i did he would like to try again. He flew back to Perth, I asked my ex about moving and he said yes, This is a massive decision he made because i know how close he is with the kids. So after selling everything and 6 months of organising and talking, I moved. and now here I am.

We did have a talk last night about it and i think we were both had different expectations of what was going to happen. He said he just wanted to let me know what he was feeling. There was no arguments leading up to it either. I appreciate that he’s wants to communicate about how he feels and i don’t want that to stop. But i did tell him that i can’t continue to emotionally invest in this relationship if theres an expiry date on it. Its like he’s put a disclaimer in there without me knowing…
Knowing that this is all knew for everyone i understand that he’s feeling unsure but surely he would have thought about this before the move? before i sold everything i had? before i moved the kids over? before he became part of my children’s lives? My life?

I do have a back up plan, I just had never thought that it would be needed.

Only time will tell I guess.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it.

[quote]Knowing that this is all knew for everyone i understand that he’s feeling unsure but surely he would have thought about this before the move? [/quote]

I’m sure he did, but even the best laid plans go awry! Couples who plan blended families perfectly still run up against obstacles. Like I said, it’s very simple to look backwards and point fingers. And once you start, it’s easy to keep going on that vector — but it’s more productive to move forward. It doesn’t sound like he had ill intentions. This is just something that he realized after you all moved in together — and even if he hadn’t thought about it before, here you are.

[quote]before i sold everything i had? [/quote]

That was your choice, not his. 😉 Not fair to blame him for that. He wasn’t asking you to marry him — just move in together. Implicit in the absence of a marriage proposal is the understanding that it’s not as permanent as a commitment that involves marriage.

[quote]before i moved the kids over?[/quote]

Again, that was your choice, not his. They’re your children, not his, and the way you move them around is your responsibility, not his.

[quote] before he became part of my children’s lives? [/quote]

Again, they’re your kids. You get to decide who to introduce into their lives and who to filter out for a while or forever.

[quote]My life?[/quote]

Still — your choice, not his. You’ve been through a divorce, as has he. You both know that things don’t always work out even when you both love each other and commit to each other. Life is fluid, and it will be great if this all has the happy ending you want, but you both made decisions, and you have to work forward from this point. Maybe the one thing you’ve possibly learned from all of this is that it’s a good idea to have a back up plan because you’re dealing with human beings who are fallible. 😉

All that said, it sounds like you had a good talk with him and he was honest with you and you had an opportunity to be honest with him, as well. Maybe you can figure out where the problems are — and if there are solutions that the two of you can work on. You mentioned that your children are a handful — and maybe there are ways that you can work through co-parenting issues with him, or you can find childcare so that you can find a job, or maybe look for a job that isn’t as high level as the one you left behind, simply to be able to work at all. See how creative you can get, and how flexible you can be in order to come up with ways to make the relationship work, since you’re already in it. 😉

And please let me know if you have any other questions.

[Member]

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