[Taylorkelsi123]

Hi!
I’m going to fill you in on my situation and hopefully you can help me out.. Me and my ex boyfriend are both 20 years old. We met in college and became great friends. For months we would hangout in groups of friends, talked all the time, did everything together but I knew he was a player (always talking and dating 4 or more girls). As his friend, I would laugh it off and continue being friends with him. Around Christmas time las year (2013) I called him drunk and confessed that I had feelings for him. Then next day he came over and said he did too but never was going to act on them because he didn’t knew I felt the same way. Well for Christmas Break we were apart for a month but talked constantly, all day everyday. When we both returned to school at the beginning of this year, we started dating. It was amazing.. Best friends who now could kiss and cuddle. He always used to say that he couldn’t like one girl, that he didn’t cuddle, that he didn’t have feelings, etc. and I thought I changed him. He was always faithful to me and he would act so silly around me, telling me he’s never been able to be so relaxed around anyone. We fell into the spend 24/7 time together and I was staying with him or vice versa every night. We dated for 4 months and we always had little fights but we always said it meant we cared about each other more. He was always calm in a fight while I was the one who blew up. He said he’d never lay a hand on a woman, never would say disrespectful things towards me. He said he could see himself with me forever and I know we are meant to be. Well I had always said I would leave him if he started doing hard drugs (cocaine, crack, etc) and he always said he would never. So one day I see him texting and telling someone he snorted coke the night before.. I get upset and ask him about it. He looks me in the eye and says that he’s lying to his friends to sound cool and he wouldnt do it because he didn’t want to lose me. Well I believed him. So after a couple days I find out he DID do that and other times too so I tell him I’m done and can’t go on like this. He starts begging and drops the L bomb.. Says I can’t go because he loves me. Says he’s never told another girl, can’t see himself loving anyone else, blah blah. I fall right into it and after that things are perfect. We’re so lovey dovey and happy for about 2 weeks. Then one day we get in a small fight (like always) and he snaps.. Starts cursing at me, calling me names, telling me he’s done, all for no reason. I leave and he gives me a hug and says he loves me and we’ll talk soon. So after a day I try to call him and find out he blocked my number.. Then come to find out he blocked me on all social media. So I’m heartbroken and crying, of course. So after a day he sends me a snapchat that says “I love you so much” so the next morning I try to call him and he curses me telling me not to effing call him.. So then he reblocks me on everything. Later that day he unblocks me to tell me about his haircut (I always ragged on him about getting a haircut). So I reply and then get no reply and get blocked again. That was over a week ago and I’ll admit I kept trying to make contact but he has kept me blocked and has been posting about all the new girls he has.. I believed him when he said he loved me, I know he tried to be good for me. Months ago, when he said he didn’t know how to care about people.. Did that mean something? I’m going crazy, I miss him and I know we both had something amazing. Everyone says try the no contact rule but I dont see him contacting me, he’s great at being able to turn off his feelings and be cold. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

He’s not hiding his feelings, he just doesn’t have them for you all the time. He’s probably dating other women, so he’s got more on his plate than just you. You’re not dating anyone else, so all your energy is focused on him. He cares when he does care and doesn’t care when he doesn’t care. You care all the time. He’s not going to give you a commitment or stay monogamous to you. That’s not who he is. When you date someone you already know is a player, you need to prepare yourself to be played. That means lower your expectations, steer clear altogether, or play the field just like he is. Instead, you’re trying to get him to be more like you. You’re trying to impose your feelings and your moral values onto him, and that’s not how it works. Your feelings and your morals belong to you, but the two of you don’t share them and aren’t morally compatible for any type of long term relationship.

I hope that helps.

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