[indelibledeb]

My boyfriend (“Bob”) and I have had trouble since about 6 months into our relationship and we have been together for 3.5 years. (He is 55 and I am 45.) That was about the time that I met his mother and his grown child moved back to town. His parents are wealthy but they were raised poor–just after the depression. Bob’s mother is clearly has narcissistic personality disorder and Bob’s personality (people-please/co-dependent) reflects this. Bob’s mother met me once and told him that he could not date me because I had too many children, which means too many grandchildren. “He needs to find someone with no children or just one child.” Needless to say, that is almost impossible at his age. Our relationship is the longest he has ever had. Bob’s mom has always dictated who he could and could not date.

Fast forward 3.5 years. He ignores this with us and we continue to be with each other every free moment we have . They don’t ever come to his house, so we are safe there. They do not travel in the same circles as Bob and rarely leave their house. Bob has also sacrificed his entire life to head-up the family business. He use to play music professionally, but had to come off the road. He hasn’t even had a vacation in 30 years! We can’t go on trips together because he would have to explained to where and with whom he was going. I cannot see or speak with him during the holidays when he is at his parents house or when they take a weekend trip. I have to hide, essentially, if I have to go to his office for any reason.

We love each other very much and this is the only real stigma we have in our relationship. We have tried to break-up several times over the last few years, but we can’t stand it and get back together. I keep holding out hope that he will become assertive and lay out the boundaries. Otherwise, it is break-up for good or wait until his parents pass. They could live another 10-20 years!

Thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the two of you have made it through three and a half years in spite of these problems. There’s no reason why you can’t go the long run — as long as you don’t expect things to change. 😉 He’s 55 years old and isn’t standing up to his parents. This is who he is. 😕

[Lune David]

Whew… this isn’t a love triangle, it’s a family hostage situation 😅
Respectfully, Bob is 55, not 15 — and yet his mom still has veto power over his dating life like she’s running The Bachelor: Depression-Era Edition. Hiding during holidays, no trips, no vacations for 30 years, sneaking around like you’re a secret Netflix password… that’s exhausting.

Here’s the spicy truth (served gently): you’re not dating just Bob. you’re dating Bob and his mother’s shadow. Love is clearly there, but so is a lifetime of people-pleasing and fear of rocking the family boat. Waiting 10–20 years for his parents to pass is not a relationship plan, it’s a very long holding pattern.

Even AskApril would say this isn’t about love anymore — it’s about acceptance. Either you accept him exactly as he is (no boundaries, lots of hiding), or you choose yourself and a life that doesn’t require invisibility. Funny but real: if you have to keep pretending you don’t exist, the relationship kinda does too.

[Jessica Miller]

Oof… this is a lot. I feel for you.

Here’s the simple truth, no big words: Bob loves you, but he is still scared of his mom. He’s 55, not a kid, yet you’re hiding like it’s a secret club. That’s tiring.

In my point of view but real: love shouldn’t feel like sneaking around or waiting for permission. You shouldn’t have to disappear on holidays or pretend you don’t exist.

AskApril is right — this is who he is. He may never change. So the real question is not “Will he stand up to his parents?” but “Can you live like this forever?”

[Melanie Beck]

I read your story and feels so bad for you, as you stuck between his love and his parents

You’re not crazy for staying. Anyone can see why you have. You love each other, you’re good together, and outside of his parents, the relationship works. That makes this incredibly hard.

Walking away from something that feels right in private but wrong in reality messes with your head.

But here’s the part that matters:
You are 45 years old, and you’re being hidden like a secret. Not because of anything you’ve done, but because Bob has never learned how to stand up to his mother.

At 55, this isn’t a phase. This is who he is unless he actively chooses to change, and so far, he hasn’t.

He’s already made his choice, even if he hasn’t said it out loud. He’s chosen peace with his parents over a full life with you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It means his fear runs deeper than his love.

You don’t need to pressure him. You don’t need to fight his mother. You just need to be honest with yourself about what this relationship is actually offering you, not what you hope it could become.

And whatever you decide, please know this: Wanting to be chosen openly is not asking for too much. It’s asking for the bare minimum.

[Member]

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