[Hankfan1952]

My 32 year old girlfriend of 9 months is acting distant, moody, irrational, and it’s all my fault apparently. She very rarely will take responsibility for her words, or actions. She is a very sensitive person by nature. Two weeks before her period, she starts all the symtoms listed above, and it’s getting worse. We both believe communication is key, and have been pretty good at it unless she has something bad to say, and will wait until I bring it up. She is never wrong in her eyes, when I feel she is although I know part of it is not her fault. I understand women go through PMS, and it is a difficult thing, and I’m as sensitive to that as I can be. I have tried my best to give her what she needs. I’ve been emotionally, and physically there for her at all times. She says she loves me, and see’s a future with me, but never once in nine months has she ever said why she feels the way she does about me. I find this to be a partial cause of my insecurity with this relationship. I’ve told her numerous times that I don’t expect a poem everyday, but an affirmation once in awhile would be nice. I tell her I love her, and may go into why that is on a frequent basis, and have no problem doing so. She did admit however that she may have a hormonal issue going on, and may see a doctor. She will not do this and it’s not in her comfort zone, although it was nice to hear that she understands there is an issue. She has never been a person who is open about her feelings. I’ve gave back rubs, bought chocolate, sent flowers, listened, did extra chores, and many other things to make her day better, and expected nothing in return. She will say thank you, and keep on with the distance. I feel either I’m on the way out, and she’s not sure what she wants, or she is just going through a difficult patch in her life, and I need to step it up. She did say that she is stressed about her job, money, and I understand that. What I don’t get, is if she cares about me like she says she does, why am I every single time, the one who has to rekindle the romance? Why will she not just admit that she’s part of the problem, and put some effort into the relationship? Is it hormones? Should I be more insistant about seeing a doctor? I’m tired of having words put into my mouth, of having what I say taken wrong, and not getting any affirmation, or intamacy what so ever. And, it’s all my fault. lol

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t sound like something happened and she changed her behavior — it sounds, from the way you’re writing this post, that she’s always been like this, and you’re finally fed up with who she is and the way she treats you. If this is true, then you started dating someone you wanted to change — and that never works out. 😳

If you’ve calmly discussed her hormonal issues as a possible problem in your relationship, and she doesn’t want to do anything to consider this, then you have to accept that fact. You can’t make her go to the doctor, any more than she could make you go to the doctor if she didn’t like your blood pressure readings or your weight gain. It would be your choice to do so — to please her. 😉

[quote]What I don’t get, is if she cares about me like she says she does, why am I every single time, the one who has to rekindle the romance? [/quote]

That’s a good question, and the answer is — because you do, and she doesn’t. The problem is that you don’t like this dynamic, but you don’t want to change your own behavior. If you decide to, then you could see what happens next.

[quote]What I don’t get, is if she cares about me like she says she does, why am I every single time, the one who has to rekindle the romance? [/quote]

Again, it’s because you care more about it than she does — or because you don’t give her a chance to do so. In other words, it’s difficult for you not to do something about a rift in the relationship. And you’re not alone. Many people feel that they have to fix things in a relationship, but sometimes the best way to fix things is to do nothing, and give the other person the opportunity to act on their own time clock. It gives you a chance to get to know her better; it gives her a chance to get to know herself better; and it gives you both a chance to change the pattern in the relationship that has become, for you at least, a rut.

[quote]Why will she not just admit that she’s part of the problem, and put some effort into the relationship? .[/quote]

Because she doesn’t want to.

[quote]Is it hormones? [/quote]

That’s a question for a medical doctor, not me. 😉

[quote]Should I be more insistant about seeing a doctor? [/quote]

You can gently tell her that it’s important to you that she see a physician about the problem because it would mean a lot to you if she’d do so, and that if she’d like company, you’re more than willing to go with her, and maybe go out to dinner afterwards. 🙂

[quote]I’m tired of having words put into my mouth, of having what I say taken wrong, and not getting any affirmation, or intamacy what so ever[/quote]

At a certain point, this problem will outweigh the benefits of being with her, so you should gently let her know this, and then make your decision about staying or going.

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