[DarcyJohnston]

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I need help saving our relationship

Postby DarcyJohnston on Sat Sep 25, 2010 6:31 pm
Hi,
I am 21 and currently dating a 32 year old woman. We met through work and developed a strong friendship. At the time she was engaged to a man who left the engagement empty. who was out of work and put no effort into making her feel special. they were not intimate for the last 8 months of their relationship. 4 months after meeting her we all went out as a group her and i stayed up all night talking and really hit it off. a week later we started our relationship. problem was her and her fiance were still together. she ended things with him about a month later. i know they didnt even kiss since we started out relationship and he would always sleep on the couch.

the two of us fell deeply in love and still are to this day. the problem is that the ex came back into the picture and she wants to maintain a friendship with him as she is worried about his mental health (bi-polar depression). we have had a very honest relationship with nothing to hide and no lies. recently she dropped off his mail and had coffee with him to catch up. her and i met up that night and she told me about her day. something was different than what she had told me over the phone earlier that day. i called her on it and she had lied to me about how she went to run an errand with her ex there. although the lie was small i feel like it has done a lot of damage in how i trust her?

Everytime i am ready to trust her again something happens that brings up all my walls. last week her ex commented on one of her photos asking he what color knickers she was wearing. she told me she deleted her account on facebook as a result of that. today i found out she put me on a block list so i could not see her profile which made me think she has something to hide? she swears she put me on a block list before she deleted her account and that she did delete it.

i want to believe her so badly and want to trust her. i am worried that i am going to get hurt and i know me worrying is hurting our relationship.

she wants to marry me that i am sure of. i just do not know what to do to trust her again?

what should i do?

[Ask April Masini]

The first problem is her ex-fiance. If she really has him back in her life because he is bi-polar and she is afraid cutting him out of her life will set him off on a manic episode, your girlfriend thinks she has more power than she does. Bi-polar disorder is a disorder that needs to be managed by a physician — not an ex-fiance. By including him in your relationship, she’s setting things up for lots of problems down the road. So if she’s not willing to let him go, you’re going to have problems.

The reason you’re upset about that first lie she told is because it involved this ex-fiance. I think if it had been about anything else it wouldn’t bother you so much. In fact, I think the lie is less of a problem than the ex-fiance being so prevalent in her (and by association, your) life.

The next lie you mentioned, again had to do with her ex-fiance. It seems like she blocked you from her Facebook account so you wouldn’t see her ex-fiance’s comments because they upset you. She’s basically juggling you and her ex-fiance.

The only way you can HAVE relationship with her that is peaceful, is if she chooses between you and her ex-fiance. I don’t think she’s going to be willing to, but my advice is to let her know you want him out of her life if she wants you in it and if she wants a future together. But buckle up for her answer.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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