[nissa]

Hello, I am a 34 year old female who would greatly appreciate help with this issue. I had taken a break from dating for an extended period of time to care for a family member with a terminal illness. I have started dating again and it seems I’m still attracting the same type of person I used to in my twenties.

The personality is a lesser version of my sister, and I’m sure that’s a major part of the reason. We no longer speak and at best we may have a relationship in the future where we talk a couple times a year.

Not everyone I attract is like this, but it seems like it’s the majority so far. The common traits are emotional thinkers, insecure, have poor judgement, don’t have long term goals or plans, chaotic personality, misread me, competitive, criticize and offer unsolicited advice in areas they have little knowledge of. Another impression I get is that they have stereotyped me into someone I’m not, have assumed I like or dislike certain things when my view is the opposite, and try to impress me with things that I view as negative or superficial. They present well on first impression and hold professional careers, but it turns out they’re just good at the small talk and can’t back that up with substance once the conversations go more in depth. I’ll notice this after a few dates when their stories start to not make sense and see enough snippets of the above behaviour.

I am quite the opposite of these traits, and my personality type is INTJ. Is there a term or personality that describes the above person? What can I do to figure out why this keeps happening?

Thanks very much for your time and advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Attracting a particular type and then dating them, are two separate behaviors. 😉 And if you want to start attracting Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Wrong, first stop accepting dates from Mr. Wrongs. And if that doesn’t seem easy, then you have to figure out how to recognize those Mr. Wrongs sooner than you have been! 🙂 Or…. be clear about what Mr. Right for you looks like.

For instance, you mentioned that not having any long term plans and being insecure are two traits in the Mr. Wrong category you’ve been attracting. My advice would be not to even date anyone who doesn’t seem to have a long term plan or who is insecure. Try to figure out if they have chaotic personalities or poor judgment before you invest your energy and time in them. You may have fewer dates, as a result, but you’ll have more successful ones.

As for attracting particular types of guys, my advice is to to focus on places you’re more likely to meet the kinds of guys you want. For instance, guys with good judgment and long term plans are going to more likely be at political events and workplace conferences than they are at a bar or a party given by someone who’s in a dead end lifestyle. You may have to change the places you frequent and start hanging out with friends who are more like the guys you want to date. For instance, you’ll probably find guys with goals at the gym before work, rather than during the day. Or you may meet the types of guys you want to date at fundraisers or playing golf or tennis at a club where you have to pay a membership fee, rather than the YMCA where the “filters” aren’t as specific. 😉

Also, take a look in the mirror and see if you’re projecting the image of the type of woman that the men you want are looking for. Successful guys want women who are versatile — they can take these girlfriends to business dinners, football games or concerts, as well as skiing and golfing. In other words, be “boyfriend-ready” for the type of guy you’re trying to attract.

I hope that helps.

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[nissa]

Thank you very much. I’ve done some more thinking and my first instinct with those I accepted dates from was no, although I hadn’t recognized the negative attributes yet. I’ll start going with that instinct as I do know it’s correct even if I can’t put my finger on what I see.

You’ve pointed out something key for me. I’m going to the wrong places. I’ve been doing speed dating, which is typically held at bars, and I don’t drink. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when they don’t quite believe that I don’t drink even though I have water. Probably helps give the impression I party when I don’t either. (I’m actually quite entertained by this error in my logic, no idea why this didn’t occur to me – thanks so much)

Thanks for the tips on places to go. I’d love to date someone with political awareness or a world view. I view these places as professional environments, put my networking face on, and of course remove dating from the table. Sounds like I need to attend events outside my field so I’m not conflicted with dating a potential contact or coworker.

[nissa]

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how many times I’ve read and re-read what’s written here. I’m just going to leave this note here for when I re-read this again.

You’ve brought me out of over-analysis world. The answer isn’t complicated, it’s simple. I’m not taking the steps I need to achieve the results I want. And I’m focused on deep details when the answer is at the surface.

For the mirror part:
I’ve taken the steps I need to heal from the loss of my family member and accept that this will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’m also not done healing and still have more steps to take. I need to acknowledge that I’ve done everything I can to repair the relationship with my sister and I need to accept that my choice to keep a distance from her is the current solution to the problem. Trying to learn more about her and/or analyze other people similar to her won’t bring me closer to a solution and won’t help me learn how to communicate with her. She can’t, won’t or doesn’t want to “see”, and I can’t change that. I can’t control the thoughts and decisions of others, trying to get her to understand me is not something I can do. By defending yourself you aren’t getting her to see you as you are, you’re correcting her perception and telling her she’s wrong. She will fight this to the end as she cannot admit or control this. The details of what she can and can’t control and when she intends to behave with malice don’t matter.

It’s ok that I failed to fix the relationship. I’m still following my family values as I still want to have some relationship in the future. I’m acknowledging that I’ve done my best and don’t have the resources or ability to do more. One day you will have skin thick enough that it won’t be accepting abuse and you won’t take the bait, it will be viewing someone with compassion and understanding and accepting them as they are. All of your efforts to get her to “see” is you telling her you don’t accept her as she is, she can’t change or control it. It’s you that needs to take the step to “see”. It took you this long to come to this conclusion because you’re a logical thinker and your mind couldn’t comprehend the absence of logic, you can’t control how your mind works and must accept that it processes emotional thinking as best as it can.

I’m not ready to be in a relationship until I can transfer the same trust in judgment and confidence I have in my professional life to my personal life. I’m not ready until I truly accept I’ve done my best.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 🙂

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