[WierdSituation]

Hi, this is a bit awkward for me, as a guy, posting on a relationship advice forum about an already awkward situation. I am a 20 year old guy, and I have always been shy when meeting attractive women for the first time. My social skills tend to go out the window during those first few moments of interaction.

Here’s the situation: I’m a college student and I come home over the summer and on some weekends. I get my hair cut at home (150 miles from campus). I have a crush on my hairdresser who I’ve been going to for around 6 months. The thing is, I don’t know her age, whether she has a boyfriend, or whether or not she is even semi interested, because she is at least a few years older than me (24-28), because I know she’s graduated college.

Each time I visit, we have very engaging conversation, but she hasn’t given me a definite sign that she’s interested, and I haven’t given her anything obviously flirtatious. She always seems excited to talk to me and I’m always excited to talk to her. The most personal we’ve gotten in conversation is just talk about family and she’s told me about her married sister who has kids. Several visits back she asked me if I was dating but she hasn’t asked about it since.

It’s much easier for me to talk to her than it usually is with new girls.

With the age difference and all, I don’t know if she is just making small talk like she would with a 15 year old boy, if you know what I mean, and therefore wouldn’t even consider dating me. I don’t know if I’m just a helpless young guy getting caught up in the normal small talk that all hairdressers engage in with their clients. I never see her outside of her work.

What advice would you give for my next visit to find out if she would even be interested, what her age is, or if she has a boyfriend? Should I just forget about it and move on? Do you think the age difference is the problem? Anything I’m missing?

Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think the age difference is too great, and I think she may be interested in dating you — but obviously, you have to either ask her out and risk the rejection, or flirt with her in a way that you would with someone you like as a date — not just an acquaintance. Flirting is the way you let someone know you’re interested — and the way they let you know they’re interested back. However…. unless your hair grows really fast…. you’re probably going back to college in a month or less, so my advice is to go for it, and ask her out on a date. 😉 If you don’t, you’ll always wonder.

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[WierdSituation]

Yeah, I figured that would be the response, but I feel cautious about flirting or asking her out just because of the setting I’m in (a hair salon with other hairdressers and other clients). Is there any advice you can give me about how I could find out if she’s interested through a normal conversation? Any signs I should look for? What is it specifically that makes you think she’s interested? Keep in mind, I think she’s most likely at least 25, and she knows I’m 20, so I don’t know how she feels about that.

Thanks again

[Ask April Masini]

There’s no shortcut or easy way out. You have two choices: flirt with her and see if she flirts back, or ask her out. Or, you could just keep getting haircuts and try to find out in the course of normal conversation if she’s interested in dating you, but without flirting or asking her out, that’s going to take a long time. 😳

I know you’re worried about rejection, but you can’t win if you don’t try! 😉

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[WierdSituation]

I guess on my next visit I’ll try to up my game 🙄 . If I get shot down I’ll probably have to find a new hairdresser 🙁 . Cheers.

[Ask April Masini]

Good luck! 😀

[jaysam]

There’s no shortcut or easy way out. You have two choices: flirt with her and see if she flirts back, or ask her out. Or, you could just keep getting haircuts and try to find out in the course of normal conversation if she’s interested in dating you, but without flirting or asking her out, that’s going to take a long time. 😳

I know you’re worried about rejection, but you can’t win if you don’t try! 😉

[WierdSituation]

As per request… I am posting in this same thread: Hi AskApril,

I am in a horrible situation where I can’t stop dwelling on my past relationship after my girlfriend broke up with me. I started dating her around 7 months ago, and she had fallen head-over-heels for me. One obstacle was, however, that we both go to different colleges which are separated by about 3 hours. This was my first serious relationship, and I was a bit slow with opening up to her.

After a great summer together (we were separated by an hour’s drive during the summer so we had multiple visits), we had to move back to college, and during the week after the move-in, I could tell something was bothering her from talking with her and texting her on the phone. After two weeks of college, she called me and said she “wasn’t sure about US,” and that she wasn’t ready to settle down. Rather, she said she was stressed with her college situation, and at the same time she felt like she was missing out on the college experience, and she wanted to experience that. She also mentioned that she feels bad that she’s the only girl I’ve dated and encouraged me to try meeting other girls. Also, (I have been suffering through some depression from college stress and thinking about graduation), she said that she wanted me to be happier while we were dating.

When she notified my one friend of the break-up, I found out she told him that we were “taking a break.” And that “If we get back together, it was meant to be.” However, this was immediately after the breakup with emotions flaring.

I have since had a couple conversations with her through text and I try to make it seem like I’m happy and getting over her, and I notice that she seems really happy. I asked her during our breakup if she had met someone, and she said “not really,” so I wouldn’t be surprised if she is already seeing someone else.

It has now been a little over 3 weeks since the break-up, and I am absolutely not over her, and I am constantly beating myself up about things I could have done differently to have made it work. I still absolutely feel like we were meant to be together because we were so similar and yet opposite in a lot of ways.. I feel like she was the perfect girl for me. People have said it just takes time, but with my lifelong habit of dwelling on the past, I honestly don’t think I will get over it. Part of my wants closure, but part of me wants to remain hopeful that we will end up back together.

Help? Should I write her? Call her and talk about it? Send flowers? or just forget about her (doubtful to happen).

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for re-posting this. It helps to see your age, and your history of dating in one place.

Please know that your situation is one I hear about often from others who are in college. The college experience can be one of the richest times in your social life — and it can be one of the most difficult. This is the one time in your life when you will be around more single, eligible people to date, than ever again. And your ex-girlfriend’s wanting to have a “college experience” instead of a long-distance experience with a boyfriend at another school, doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you, personally. You could be Mr. Right, Mr. Amazing, Mr. Perfect — and she would still want to date guys in her dorm, her classes, and go to parties and events, single — just to experience the single life at college.

Relationships aren’t just about the other person. They have to do with timing and shared goals. You can meet an amazing person — who isn’t ready for a relationship, marriage, whatever you are ready for — and it won’t work. The trick to relationships is to find someone who wants the same thing you do. In this case, she doesn’t want a college to college relationship. That’s a deal breaker.

My advice is not to contact her because it will make it harder for you to heal from the hurt of the break up, and instead, move on and move forward. It sounds like you’re a senior in college, and my guess is that you’re the guy that most freshmen and sophomores would like to date! Look around your own campus and find someone local, who you’d like to date. Play the field. Savor the last year of this experience, and enjoy dating women who want to go out with you. 😀

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[WierdSituation]

I appreciate your advice, and I realize that this is the best course to take, however I can’t seem to convince myself of that. I am in a constant limbo of wondering and dwelling, and I continually end up convincing myself that I made a huge mistake and ruined my relationship with the perfect girl. I constantly question the hope that we may have a future together since she kind of said we’re “taking a break.” And then I worry that that outcome is hopeless because I think that she has already, or will soon lose any form of attraction to me. I know I sound like a hopeless romantic here…

Part of me thinks I should talk to her or someone close to her to get my questions answered so I can stop wondering. But you do still not recommend this? What affect would this have on the possibility of getting back together in the future?

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]Part of me thinks I should talk to her or someone close to her to get my questions answered so I can stop wondering. But you do still not recommend this? What affect would this have on the possibility of getting back together in the future?[/quote]

What questions do you need her to answer so you will stop wondering?

[WierdSituation]

Part of me wants to know how she really feels about all this since at first she kind of suggested we were “taking a break.” If she doesn’t actually feel that way then part of me wants to know so I can maybe move on quicker even though it would devastate me. And another part of me just wants to leave it as it is and continue with the occasional “how are you doing?” text conversations we have.

Today I sent her an honest text explaining how I have been struggling recently with school and my feelings but that I was also making some positive changes in my life. I personally feel like this was the right thing to do since I have bottled-up feelings and when we were together we were always honest. I told her I really missed her in this text and she responded with a apologetic but positive-mood text where she said she “misses me too and wants me to know that.”. part of me just wants to respond with something like “Do you REALLY miss me?”.

I still have extremely strong feelings for her. And I can’t accept the idea that there are other, better girls out there for me… because I honestly don’t believe there are when I look back at her personality.

Let me also explain that this girl essentially asked ME out in the beginning, and our relationship was the longest and most serious she’s had. She has multiple exes and has always been the one to initiate the break-up. We would discuss our future together and other things she had never talked about before with her other boyfriends.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]Part of me wants to know how she really feels about all this since at first she kind of suggested we were “taking a break.” If she doesn’t actually feel that way then part of me wants to know so I can maybe move on quicker even though it would devastate me. And another part of me just wants to leave it as it is and continue with the occasional “how are you doing?” text conversations we have.[/quote]

When people reject you politely, and they are nice people, it’s a lot harder to believe the rejection than if there’s a fight, abuse or bad behavior like cheating or neglect. You’re not alone in needing reassurance that it’s actually over. Lots of people find themselves in the same predicament.

What I usually tell people when behavior and language don’t match up is to trust the behavior. She’s told you she doesn’t want to date you any more, and if you’re not sure about this, you should ask her out again. She’ll either tell you no, in very polite language, or else suggest that the two of you go out as friends, which is how you end up in the friend zone — which I strongly suggest you avoid.

The bottom line is that she doesn’t want to go out any more and in order to move on, you need to believe her, and to start focusing on other things — like yourself, others, friends and family, etc.

I hope that helps!

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[Ethan Morales]

You’ve got a crush on your hairdresser, you talk easily, and you’re wondering if it’s real interest or just friendly salon small talk. That’s totally normal. What you’re feeling is real, but it’s also happening in a place where friendliness is part of the job so your antennae have to be a little sharper than usual.

Age difference? Not a deal breaker. Mid-20s vs 20 is fine for most people. The real issue is context: she’s at work, she’s around other clients, and she’s probably used to chatting. That makes subtle signs less reliable. If she leans in, laughs at things she normally wouldn’t, asks about your plans outside school that’s worth noting. But don’t build a castle on casual banter.

Be direct, but low-pressure. Next visit, after the cut and when it’s not crowded, say something simple and concrete: “Hey, I like talking to you. Want coffee sometime? I’m around for the next few weeks before school starts.” Ask for her number if she’s comfortable. That gives her an off-ramp (workplace, comfort) without forcing an answer on the spot.

If she hesitates, offer a non-work alternative: “No worries if you can’t would you mind if I texted later?” That’s respectful and puts control in her hands. Watch for how she responds: quick texts and follow-through mean interest; vague replies and avoiding plans mean it’s probably just friendly rapport.

You’ll regret not trying more than you’ll regret a polite rejection. Ask, keep it casual, and accept whatever answer she gives. If she’s into it, great if not, move on without making it weird at the salon.

[Tara]

You’re a 20-year-old guy catching feelings for a woman who is literally paid to talk to you, be friendly, and make you feel comfortable in a chair while she cuts your hair. You’re reading deep meaning into customer service. That’s it. Every barber, every hairdresser, every tattoo artist, every bartender their entire job is to make the interaction feel personal. You feeling a spark doesn’t mean she does.

You’ve built this fantasy because she’s older, confident, attractive, and you don’t meet many women you can talk to comfortably. So your brain turned banter into destiny. The age difference isn’t the issue. The issue is that you’ve invented a storyline based on zero evidence. She asked if you were dating once big deal. Hairdressers ask everyone that. They ask about work, school, vacations, holidays. It’s conversation filler, not flirting.

And here’s the part you need to hear:
If she were interested, she would’ve made it painfully obvious. Older women do not sit around waiting for a 20-year-old boy to decipher vague salon chatter. They don’t play coy. They don’t dance around it. They either flirt openly or they don’t. She hasn’t. Which means she doesn’t see you that way.

Your “next visit plan” shouldn’t be some grand strategy to decode subtle clues it should be accepting that you’re a client, not a secret love interest. If you want to shoot your shot just to get closure, you can ask something simple like, “Hey, I’ve enjoyed talking with you would you want to get coffee sometime?” But don’t be shocked if she politely declines or mentions a boyfriend. And don’t ruin her job environment by turning a normal business interaction into something awkward.

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