[blackbird08]

I’ve been seeing this guy for 4 months. We met at a mutual friend’s party and hit it off instantly. We got along great, have many things in common, and really seem to want the same things in life. Over the past 4 months the relationship has really grown to something pretty great for both of us. About 2 months in, he initiated the “where is this going” talk. Neither of us were ready at that point to have a relationship, but had strong feelings for each other that we wanted to continue. We decided to become exclusive without a relationship. (In retrospect, I realize that this was probably my first mistake, but it felt right at the time.)

After that talk things just continued to get better. We spent a lot of time together, talked almost every day; we were able to open up to each other (which is hard for both of us). Everything seemed so natural and easy, and he was the first to express that. He met my friends and came to functions with me often. However, at this point I have still yet to meet his friends. At first I shrugged it off because he doesn’t really hang out with them that much as they all have busy lives and don’t live in the same city. But then I started noticing that he was starting to shy away from any mention of us hanging out with them, and he seemed to make a clear distinction between what we were and a relationship. So I began to question if this was in fact going towards a relationship like I felt it was, and like he made me to believe it was.

One night he told me how he was falling for me and how he was scared of that because it all happened so fast, but still wasn’t ready for a relationship yet or for me to even meet his friends. I was taken aback by that because I feel by now he should not only be ok with me meeting his friends, but want me to. He explained that it was because his ex was so engrained in his life, that it was very messy when they broke up. Which I understand, but also told him that it hurts my feelings. He also didn’t understand why making this a relationship was a big deal to me, as it wouldn’t change anything about what we are doing now. I explained to him why and that at some point I am looking for a serious relationship and that I do want to be included in his life. We kind of just ended things there because he felt I was reacting too emotional to this. Later that night, he called and told me he can’t stop thinking about our conversation and had more to say the next time we see each other.

A week went by before this happened, and I’m not going to lie it occupied most of my thoughts. I just wanted to know what else he had to say. He planned a very nice evening with dinner at a great place and show to a band we both love. It was a great evening, and he tried to bring up the conversation again at dinner, but didn’t say much because he thought I didn’t want to talk about it. Later that night when we got home, after having a little too much to drink, I decided to bring it up; and not intentionally, but ended up forcing him to have this conversation. Because of this, and the fact that we both had a little too much to drink, the talk was much more defensive and emotional than it needed to be and just didn’t go well. He stayed the night, and that morning we both just said that it obviously didn’t go well, but acted completely normal and just said we will talk about it again later.

He invited me over that night, but again we didn’t talk much about the night before. Though I told him I was sorry for forcing the conversation and that next time I really don’t want to talk when we both have been drinking because it complicates things. Again, we had a great night and everything was normal and has been since. But the fact still remains that he isn’t ready for a relationship, but we are basically in one. I’m worried that my over emotional reaction that night will end up scaring him away and I’m not sure how to proceed at this point. He said he just needs more time, but I’m not sure how much to give him. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure him, but ended up doing it anyway. Not because I want nor need a relationship, but because I do have strong feelings for him and just want him to fully explain his hesitation. In retrospect I also feel like maybe I was too available to him in the beginning.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[blackbird08]

I’m 24 and he’s 26

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did screw things up by breaking some cardinal rules like having “the talk” (that men hate) and getting involved in a friends with benefits relationship — when clearly you want more. 😳 In fact, the biggest problem you have is not being clear about what you want in a relationship and then going for that. I think you want a monogamous, long term relationship that will lead to marriage, but I haven’t really heard you say that. Until you know what you want, and can be clear about it, you’re going to be playing defense instead of offense in the dating game, and you’ll only get what you want if you are lucky enough to stumble into it. My advice is to start dating smart and focus on what you want. 😀

This guy does not want the same thing you do, so my advice is to accept that and move on and find someone who does! 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts