[ourwildhearts]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years on May 4th. We’ve had our fights over the years but nothing like it has been since December. Before I was so carefree and rarely things got under my skin, but things started to change.

I’m 20 and he’s 23. He likes to hang out at bars, and respectfully I cannot go. This didn’t bother me and we would have our own drinks and such in the house. However, once he got more money, he would go to the bar 4 days a week. He would go to a bar right down the block from my house (we live together) and the bartender there is a girl he knew from high school. They hadn’t talked until they met up again in December. He told me that she had liked him before, but he never did. This kinda bothered me, but when I brought it up, he told me not to worry, and I let it go. Then he kept hanging out with her. He would go to the bar 4 times a week to see her. And then go to another bar with her when her shift was over. He texted her every night, facebook messaged her at work, had more pictures with her than me, and it really started to bother me. He wasn’t treating me the same way. (not as affectionate- spent our month anniversaries at the bar). I told him it really bothered me and he didn’t see why. He was there for her more than he was there for me. He said I was being over jealous.

Then one night she was really drunk and texted him. She said “just f*** me already.” “f** your girlfriend lets just f***” He didn’t reply. And she kept saying oh sorry im drunk. Then he replied. “it’s okay I don’t judge you.” He then proceeded to fb message her the next day to see if she remembered the conversation and to make sure they were still friends.

This hurt my feelings more than I can explain. I told him how upset it made me. He again thought I was being crazy and stood up for her saying it was a joke, but when he showed me the messages he said “this isn’t how a boyfriend should be texting another girl.” He was starting to understand. So a couple days after we both agreed it would be best to text her and say “im sorry but I don’t think we can hang out or talk anymore because you really disrespected my girl’s and I relationship.” She replied “im sorry I didn’t mean to come between you and your girl.”

That was in Feb. So two months of constant worry and pain. I thought It was over. He deleted the pictures. Deleted the messages. Showed me his fb and hasn’t talked to her. It was all good. He wasn’t treating me with as much affection as I’d like, but it was getting better.

It wasn’t until two days ago that I found a hidden folder on his phone. I had accidently stumbled on it when looking through his photos. In the folder it had the pictures of him and her, and conversations with her. He had been texting her since the day after it happened. After he sent the message about “please don’t talk to me again” he sent another message later that day saying “my gf made me sent it. I don’t mean it.” This was the day before valentine’s day and then they texted each other “Happy Valentine’s Day!!!” That hurt. There were only like 4 different conversations in there, so not a lot, but still. He lied about talking to her. He looked me in the eyes and promised he wasn’t. he disrespected my wishes, and in my eyes chose her over me. He wanted to talk to her more than stop hurting my feelings. I felt paralyzed with pain.

When talking about it, he jumped to that I shouldn’t have found his folder, and he needs his privacy. And that I need to calm down and im overreacting. He also said that he should be able to talk to her and sees no reason why he can’t. Even after explaining how badly it hurt me, he still felt that way. We were back to December. He saw how much it hurt me and didn’t care. (in my eyes- to which he denies)

We now are at a place where he realized that he hurt me, and apologized. I just want him to realize how it ruined my self confidence, my trust in him, and mostly I just feel so betrayed and hurt. I should be the number one girl in his life (besides him mom). I felt like he was choosing her, and I want to believe things will be different. But how?

He apologized over and over and promised to make it up to me. He blocked her number. Deleted her number (again), deleted the hidden files app, has a gps tracker in his phone, but it still hurts.

I hate the fact he lied. He got defensive when he said that he could talk to whomever, but he knows he was wrong. He just didn’t want to get in trouble and lied. He said that he may have had feelings for her before, but now sees how messed up it is.

I want to believe him. I want our relationship to work. Please, help me understand how to move past the situation and not let it destroy our relationship. He said he didn’t cheat on me (which I believe) it’s just the fact that he lied about talking to her in the first place.

What more can I do? What should he do? I’m so hurt, and I love him so much. I want it to work more than anything. I don’t want this to be the end. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to be a magician. 😕 Your boyfriend lied to you a lot. Now you want him to be someone who doesn’t lie. He’s showed you his true colors, and you don’t want to see them. This is no longer about him. It’s about you. If you want to date someone who is honest, then pick another guy. But don’t stay in a relationship hoping he’ll change and policing him. It turns you into a guardian — not a girlfriend.

I’m sorry, but this relationship isn’t going to be a healthy one if you stay in it. 😳 My advice is to accept reality and move on.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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