[blindpilot88]

So here goes,

I have been with my girlfriend for around 9 months. Early on in our relationship I betrayed trust. I didnt cheat but i flirted with another girl and she found the messages. It was bad but nothing in my mind that was too serious. We got over it, but from then on I have been like a lap dog trying to regain her trust. This means she has had full control and has lead to her abusing her power as revenge and also just because she can.

Recently after another event where she acted badly and didnt show up to see me I got annoyed and said I wasn’t standing for it any more. So we went on a break for a week or so. We then met up and talked. She talked about how she knew what she was doing and that she wasn’t sure if she can change the way she is with people. We had a long chat and decided that we would see eachother just once a week for now while we both have a busy lives with exams, and if we feel we WANT to see eachother, that means it has a chance of working.

There is one more problem. We have booked a holiday to travel America for a month together, and this is causing added pressure to make things work. I persoanlly want to work things out but I feel she is one of those fairytale girls where if it isnt perfect it isnt worth it.

So my question is, now we have had a break, how should I act to keep the relationship on track but also show I am not going to be subserviant any more? Should I initiate seeing her but on my own terms? Or should I wait for her to make contact? Its difficult to resolve problems when we have decided not too see/speak as much. I am unsure as to how willing she is to make it work, but we have a holiday and a lot of money to think about. I think the holiday would go well because the problems do not arise when we are together, it is when we are apart that she abuses her control.

thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At what point in the relationship did the problem start? Two months? Three months? One month?

[blindpilot88]

well i betrayed her trust a few months in then the problems started about 6 months in.

[blindpilot88]

i betrayed her trust a few months in and started losing control after about 6 months.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the extra information. Although you said that you’ve both gotten over the initial problem in the relationship, I don’t think you have. In fact, it really sounds like because you both haven’t gotten over it, you’ve spent the last several months reacting to it.

[quote]I have been with my girlfriend for around 9 months. Early on in our relationship I betrayed trust. I didnt cheat but i flirted with another girl and she found the messages. It was bad but nothing in my mind that was too serious. We got over it, but from then on I have been like a lap dog trying to regain her trust. This means she has had full control and has lead to her abusing her power as revenge and also just because she can…[/quote]

If you’re still acting like a lapdog, and she has “full control” and is “abusing her power as revenge” this doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship. I think what you’ve done is gloss over the problem, and so it remains, and the two of you are dancing around the problem and not getting to know each other. 🙁

If you can’t be yourself in a relationship, then what’s the point? Which leads me to your comment about this woman being a “fairy tale girl” who needs things to be perfect. Fairy tales are fairy tales because they’re not realistic. They’re fantastic, and if she’s looking for a fairy tale, no mortal man is ever going to be good enough. That’s you — or anyone else. So, she may not be a good choice for you. 😕 And lastly, I’d cancel the vacation and see how things go before considering any vacation with her.

You don’t have to leave the relationship if you don’t want to, but you should be yourself and not a lap dog who’s dating someone who’s controlling and abusing her power. If you are yourself, and she’s still a control freak who needs a fairy tale, then you’d be wise to do better elsewhere.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[blindpilot88]

Do you think that making a new start is a good suggestion? Or will that just push the problems back again. In my head I believe that with a new start where we both make an effort to correct the problems of control that we have had, that it can work.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how you make a “new start” when you’ve been dating for nine months. ❓

[blindpilot88]

in essence; go on dates, spend less time attached to each other, just do the things you do at the start to realise why we are together without the problems.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think either one of you are ready to ignore the problem or let it go — which is why you wrote me in the first place. I believe that unless you face it head on and deal with it by communicating, listening, talking and processing, it’s going to be there like a land mine you’re always trying to avoid. 😕

[Member]

Posts