[gia]

Hey April. Okay so before I begin,please allow me to say that I am really ashamed of what i did. It’s not really who I am and this is bit long.
So I had to create a mock account on fb for the purpose of a psych class project.So it has a fake name with no photos. I intended to delete that account in 2 months but that’s where I met my guy. We started chatting casually and we clicked. We found each other to be intellectually rich and really liked each other. Few days later he asked me for my pic. I wanted to send him mine but i wasnt sure of him so instead sent someone elses (i am sorry i know this is wrong and shouldnt have done it). That girl looks pretty. We fell in love 2 months later and started talking on phone.Our bond grew deeper.The stronger we got together the harder the lie started pinching me.I really wanted to tell him the truth but fear of break up held me back. I continued sending her pics whenever he would ask for photos. We really have a great bond,great compatibility,fantastic understanding and communication. I couldnt keep in the lie anymore so I told him the truth a year later(exactly a week ago) and showed him my actual fb account with my real name and photos. He was of course highly shocked,dejected and felt betrayed.We never skyped before since i genuinely had a malfunctioning web cam but i knew i’d be requiring it that day so i somehow got a new one for us.He asked me to skype.Very surprisingly,his anger calmed down on seeing me.He said that i look pretty and sweet,flirted like hell asking me to kiss him,imitated me,made me laugh,pretended to caress my cheek and said that his inner self still loves me despite the bomb i dropped an hr ago. However,he again got back to being angry/dejected/hurt when we returned back to chatting on fb (He’s also VERY moody). I asked if he’d like space but he said he doesnt and we continued talking everyday the same amount of time but would have heated serious discussion/arguments.
He decided that he wants to give us another chance.Said that since we still have the care,respect and liking for each other,we should nurture it and see if he can develop those same feelings for me again. He said it would take time for things to settle in.The problem is,that girl’s face and body image is firmly stamped on his head and heart and he’s a guy with fantastic memory 🙁 I assured him that there is nothing left to hide from him and everything is transparent.He said he wants to trust me and he does but his suspicious self and memories come in play at times.I told him that i really loved him and i still do irrespective of what he feels for me. I have told him that I’d remain the same as before with my affection and love.He said that he doesnt wanna say an i love you until he fully means it. We have been good these past 2 days.Yesterday he told me that I was a precious gf and I still am precious and that i am still an angel(he’d call me this before).

I fear if he friendzones me. He has been very emotionally detached.He has only checked my timeline and photos twice.That makes me feel insecure and feels as if he isn’t interested in checking me out and fear if he ever will. His affection is dead.Also,he has an important upcoming exam in may so said that his unavailability shouldnt be construed as him angry,uninterested or running away. I am sure things will be back like before if opens up his heart again.He’s a very emotional person but he said his heart is now dead and he’s been talking only with his head now. How can I help him move on and open up emotionally again? Is there something that i can do differently?
Sorry about the long read.Thank you 🙂

[Clara]

How old are you both?

Have you ever met in person?

[gia]

[quote=”April Masini”]How old are you both?

Have you ever met in person?[/quote]

oh shucks yea should have mentioned the age. I’m 23 and he’d be 24 in July this year 🙂 No we havent had the chance to meet yet but we want to. The thing is,we both live in 2 different states and are working and studying and not financially independent yet. We have been making plans of him coming to my city to meet me though. He said he wants to get a job outside his city and said a good company from my city had called him for a job offer few months ago but they couldnt select him since he doesnt have the required degree yet. He’s giving that degree exam in May and we both hope for him to pass. He said he’d then look for a job in my city or call back that same company once he clears the exam. Besides,before getting in a relationship itself we both knew we’d be long distant for quite a while but we assured we wouldnt let that be a hurdle. We had planned to continue our relationship the way it was going (online/phone/skype) and nurture the connection,complete our degree,get a good job,gain some financial stability(this would take around 3 years) and then travel to meet up. I know it might feel that people can pretend to be their best online whereas they are very different in real but we really know how the other person is. When happy,sad,bored,moody,angry,romantic everything. We have seen each others good,best,bad and worst behavior.
As of now,we are still talking just as much as before.He’s a very reserved guy. A big part of me thinks his trust level in me is slowly increasing again but when i asked him today if he trusts me now,he first said “lets not get in all that” and then answered “can’t say”. He msgs me good morning like before and we get talking for long.He initiates the talks on chat and the phone call. We still share our day with each other.Share stories.Joke around.Everything is good but the affection and intimacy is dead from his side.It feels like we are just 2 best friends.4 days ago,he did say “I want to give us another chance. I am willing to try but i may or maynot get those same feelings again. It will take time for things to settle and pain to heal. Let’s allow us time and see if I can develop those emotions again.Until then the affection and intimacy would be dead for a long time now”. Thus he doesn’t flirt anymore like before.It feels like he’s only interested in the human being that i am and not interested to see how i look like. Isn’t that important to develop attraction? I would have assumed that he probably doesn’t find me attractive but then I think had that been the case then he wouldnt have behaved the way he did when we skyped. I understand it’s not easy for him to move on from that girl’s face that i got him addicted to and it would take time. I still flirt with him and compliment him. When i sent him a photo of mine day before(i sent it myself.He didnt ask for it),he just said “you look innocent”.That’s it. A very casual non-affectionate response. I love the bond we have but i am scared if he friendzones me and doesnt feel the same emotions he had.We only skyped once and that being the night after the revelation. It’s been a week now. I feel as if I am now some nameless faceless creature to him with whom he can talk about his day and other events. I feel like expressing this to him but I am worried if it worsens our progress. He had said that he was a very unemotional guy who’d think and talk only with his head before he met me but I emotionally opened him up and that brought out the intimate feelings. He said he’s back to being the same guy he was before we met. 🙁

[Clara]

Got it — so you’re both 23 years old, and you met on the internet, about a year ago, and haven’t ever met or dated in real life. You sent him photos of someone else claiming they were you, and kept that up for about a year, and finally told him the truth about yourself, a week ago, and sent real photos of yourself and have finally Skyped with him, but he’s shutting down as a result, and you’re afraid of being friend zoned.

Here’s the deal. First of all, in long distance relationships, there are people who use the internet as a tool to find relationships. And then there are people who use the internet as a crutch to find relationships that will never be more than internet pen pal types of relationships. They never meet. And…. they usually write me for advice when they find out that one person has the same type of relationship with other people and they feel betrayed. So if you meet someone on the internet, and after three months from your first meeting, you don’t have an in person date, there is a strong chance you never will. That trumps your concern about being friend zoned, because if you don’t have a relationship that’s going to leave the internet anyway, you’re not just in the friend zone, you’re in the internet friend zone, where you never have dinner together, hug, kiss, hold hands or anything else that real life affords relationships. 😳

The other problem you have is that you betrayed him by doing something called cat fishing — where you pretend to looking like someone you’re not. And you kept that charade up for a year. I know you’re ashamed of it, and you know it’s wrong, and that’s all good. But when you do something wrong, and you realize it, and apologize and ask for forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that the other person is going to forgive you. You have to put yourself in his shoes. He’s wondering why you did this in the first place, but more importantly, he’s wondering why you did it for an entire year. And I’m not entirely clear on why you kept up the charade for the entire year. ❓

It would make a lot of sense if he moved on because this was such a personal and deliberate manipulation — it wasn’t like you were playing the field and not telling him because a LDR relationship is different than an in town one. It wasn’t even like you cheating on him because you were attracted to someone else. This was specifically about fooling him without explanation….. It was a personal manipulation, and it’s usually done as a prank on a person to use them for a laugh, so the question that’s looming is what you got out of hiding your true physique from him. That’s something you need to ask yourself, and frankly, if you want him to open up emotionally to you, you have to show your cards first, and explain why you did what you did to him…. for starters. In other words, if you want him to open up emotionally, you have to start and really do some soul searching, and share that.

All in all, I think that this isn’t going anywhere — not so much because you tricked him, but because three months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you in person. After six months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you in person, and after nine, ten and eleven months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you. He really doesn’t sound like someone who wants an in person relationship, and this cat fishing revelation was just the excuse he needed to make it your fault that the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere.

I hope that helps clarify things….

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[gia]

Thank you for your response

[quote=”April Masini”]
Here’s the deal. First of all, in long distance relationships, there are people who use the internet as a tool to find relationships. And then there are people who use the internet as a crutch to find relationships that will never be more than internet pen pal types of relationships. They never meet. And…. they usually write me for advice when they find out that one person has the same type of relationship with other people and they feel betrayed. [/quote]

It would never have the chance of either of us betraying each other in that sense because we were always connected. Right from goodmorning to goodnight. I study abroad so we have time difference issue but that never affected anything. He’s a very shy reserved kinda guy. Our parents knew there’s something between us given the length of our talks on phone everyday.His family would jokingly even tease him because they know that he never talks so much with someone and especially with a girl.We knew we could blindly trust each other in this.

[quote=”April Masini”]The other problem you have is that you betrayed him by doing something called cat fishing — where you pretend to looking like someone you’re not. And you kept that charade up for a year. I know you’re ashamed of it, and you know it’s wrong, and that’s all good. But when you do something wrong, and you realize it, and apologize and ask for forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that the other person is going to forgive you. You have to put yourself in his shoes. He’s wondering why you did this in the first place, but more importantly, he’s wondering why you did it for an entire year. And I’m not entirely clear on why you kept up the charade for the entire year. ❓ [/quote]
yea,this 🙁 I explained my position to him repeatedly. I told him the reasons why i failed to stand up the entire year. It was because i feared losing him.I know today i have lost the “old” him anyway but i really couldnt speak it up then. We were very very emotionally mentally and spiritually attached.Very strongly. The thoughts of the consequences really made me scared. I have cried several times regretting why i sent him that girl’s photo the very first time. He always held me so highly so the thought of him losing respect for me and not being able to see me the same way really scared me. Also,he was going through a very tough time academically. He had hit rock bottom and I was supporting him emotionally. Even though there have been days when i almost wanted to say the truth, the realization of what he was already going through held me back. I knew it was very foolish of me because i knew i’d have to say it tomorrow if not today anyway but i also thought that if he got to know me better on a deeper level then maybe the aftermath of the revelation wouldn’t be as bad.

[quote=”April Masini”]It was a personal manipulation, and it’s usually done as a prank on a person to use them for a laugh, so the question that’s looming is what you got out of hiding your true physique from him. That’s something you need to ask yourself, and frankly, if you want him to open up emotionally to you, you have to show your cards first, and explain why you did what you did to him…. for starters. In other words, if you want him to open up emotionally, you have to start and really do some soul searching, and share that. [/quote]

I got nothing but pain. I know he was attracted to that girl’s physical appearance but things would have been the same as they were if i had shared my own photo instead of her’s that day. I had explained every single thing that night of revelation and i still drop in huge long msgs explaining (basically,repeating) some of the things. He has been so totally emotionally detached. It’s as if his heart just totally died. He just says “you don’t have to plead/defend or justify anything”. What did you exactly mean by “do some soul searching and share that” ? can you please explain this? 🙂

[quote=”April Masini”]All in all, I think that this isn’t going anywhere — not so much because you tricked him, but because three months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you in person. After six months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you in person, and after nine, ten and eleven months of knowing you online, he never tried to date you. He really doesn’t sound like someone who wants an in person relationship, and this cat fishing revelation was just the excuse he needed to make it your fault that the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. [/quote]

No that’s not really true. We live in 2 different states. I study abroad and am home during summer and during my december break. Also,he is still a student too. The job that he does is not full time. It’s just on project basis for a particular period of time.So the pay is not at all enough to make distant travels. We both have expressed intense desire to somehow meet. He was even planning on it during last year summer but i stopped him then because of the truth that i hid and also because i knew it would cost him way too much. We discussed 2 days ago and he said he’d look for a job in my city once he’s done with his exam. So it’s not that we thought that our relationship wouldn’t go anywhere. We knew it could take time for the meet to happen but we had promised and assured each other that we wouldn’t let long distance affect us and everything was great until the revelation. We both really have been great together and he acknowledged it too yesterday as it was suppose to be our anniversary. I understand he has been deeply hurt and he knows I have been hurt too. I have given all my long emotional explanations but he has been just wayy too emotionally detached. When I talk about it anymore ,he says “let’s not get in all that”. When i tell him that he’s being way too cold and distant and how much i miss the old him and us,he says “harsh reality. Life is interesting.” He kinda gets annoyed when i bring in those talks again and again. He said he’s highly skeptical if we can get together because he just doesnt feel that emotional connection with me anymore.When I vented out my emotions at him today asking why is he building such a huge wall between us,he said he would have been emotionally detached at this time anyway even if we were together because of his degree exam in May. He doesn’t take my name and doesn’t show any interest when it comes to seeing my actual photos. I am really desperate to have us connect emotionally again. I know things will inevitably fall back in place if he again starts talking with his heart instead of just his head. He is a very emotional person deep inside. It’s just that he has built this huge wall to protect himself and I want to bring that down. It’s been 1.5 weeks since the revelation.

[Clara]

It sounds like your fear of losing him because you didn’t think you were attractive enough, was what fueled your dishonesty about your appearance. This fear is more important than your appearance. I know that you admit that what you did was wrong, but I don’t think you understand the depth of the betrayal you created for him. This requires you to put yourself in his shoes. I know you think that you were connected spiritually and emotionally — and that that should be more important than appearance, but what you don’t understand is that when you meet online, have never met in person, and lie about your appearance, you can’t possibly be as connected as you felt you were. And that’s what he’s feeling. I don’t mean to argue with you — just help you understand what this man is going through, and why he’s behaving as he is, now.

When I asked you to figure out what you got by deceiving him, you wrote that you got nothing but pain. Not true. For an entire year during the deception, you got a relationship! That’s the manipulation part. You got to avoid facing your fears by not telling the truth. This is what you have to explore so that you can heal and not do this again. I don’t know where he is in terms of possible reconciliation, but sharing this journey is important if you are in a relationship with him.

I know you don’t agree with my time frame — and you have a lot of reasons why he never dated you — but the reality is that if the two of you had stuck to it, and you had dated in person at or before the three month mark, this would have been resolved one way or the other a long time ago, and would have saved you both the pain you’re in now. 😳

Also, you didn’t agree with ideas about long distance relationships and the internet and you wrote, “We knew we could blindly trust each other in this.” 😯 Obviously, that’s not true. I think you may want to dig deeper inside yourself, and consider that you used the internet, and a fake photo of yourself, to keep from meeting. I know you’ll probably jump to deny this, but pause and consider that it might be true…. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[gia]

I do agree with you. I do consider myself to be good looking(even he called me pretty and sweet when we skyped once) but I did use a photo of a more attractive looking girl to get him “more” interested. I used only her best looking photos. But that’s really not 100% true as the main reason. The main reason why I really didn’t want to give him my real photo is because I was unsure of him as to what kinda guy he is at that point since it was only 3 days of our talk and I mentioned this to him during the revelation. And I empathize with him.I really do. I also know had it been some other guy the reaction to the revelation would have been MUCH worse than what it was him. I know what he’s going through and why it is tough for him. He had really invested himself emotionally.We both did.He had visualized that girl in every way assuming her to be me. Yes,I do agree that I used the internet to keep us from meeting but that was really only until the first 3 months of our relationship. After that I did want us to meet.We knew it would have been tough due to financial issues but I did want us to meet. But yea,just then the lie would sting me and make me realize that i wouldn’t have been able to meet him because i faked my face with some other girl’s 🙁 It really did make me regret big time.Still regret having done that badly.Was totally unnecessary. Even he acknowledged yesterday that our relationship would have been just as great had I shared my real photo instead of her’s the very first day.

Is there something I can do to get us back? All I can assure is that there is 100% transparency now. There really is nothing more to hide. The only thing I had hidden was my face and my name. It’s all out there. No opaqueness in any way. I understand it will take some time but I am willing to wait. Honestly, I wouldn’t have really hoped of a possible reconciliation had he not said that he’s willing to give us another chance. Even yesterday,on our ‘would have been anniversary’,when we talked about the good memories of our relationship when i said “I am thankful for the wonderful times that we had spent and the positive memories” he said “I am thankful too. We wouldn’t have been facing this day had everything been very clear since the very beginning.Let’s hope we get us back”. And today he mentioned “The fact is that I have lost the connect with you that made us “we” “.
We are just talking casually like 2 good friends now.He messages me in his morning.We talk till his late afternoon about our day,our plans,events and other things. Then he wishes me goodnight(13hrs time difference). And then messages me at his night and we talk again for a while till he falls asleep or until i get studying. We have been trying to not talk about the mess or bring up emotional talks.He knows that I still love him. I still flirt with him and compliment him.I just want to build up that connection again and it’s not possible until he emotionally opens up to me. Can’t I do something about it? Either now or after his exam gets over in mid may. Thank you so far though 🙂

[Clara]

I honestly think that this is over. I know you want it not to be, but the distance and the situation we’ve discussed, make it very hard to recover. If you’d had more of a history between you, it might be easier to get past bumps in the road because you’d have more good times and more in person contact to hold things together. But since you’ve never met before, it’s a lot easier for him to move on and find someone else online.

If you do have contact with him again, you can do your best to be kind, friendly, enticing and sexy, but the ball seems to be in his court at this point. He’s hurt and he needs time to heal

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