[amoon]

hey
first I should introduce myself. I am an asian girl,got a professional education and living in asia. I am engaged with an asian man who lives in USA from his childhood. We had an arranged engagement.we had a talk before engagement and then he wanted to get engaged with me.I was also ready to get engaged with him, so our parent decided to have an engagement. I have never seen or met him.But have seen his many pictures.We have phone calls, emails, chatting with eachother.
I am having a professional education is my home country. But when i will go to USA after marriage i have to work there.So there is a test/exam to get liscenced to work in USA. now After engagemnt my fiance says that he will not marry me until I get licenced and cleared the exam. Now my question is this that why he is doing this? Do he loves me? or he only love my profession? what happen if I not get cleared my exam, will he not maary me?
i am going to have my my test after few months.What to do?
please tell me[u] how to make him to marry me without this condition.[/u] because this wont be a good relationship.
I am so depressed.He say he loves me but I don’t think he loves me.How to make him love me.
PLease help me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your fiance doesn’t know you enough to love you. He’s never even met you! It would be hard pressed for him to really love you without spending time face to face. Your marriage is an arrangement and not a love relationship. You may grow to love each other, but then again, you may not.

In answer to your other questions, your fiance wants a wife who works and brings money into the marriage. He doesn’t want to marry you if you’re not going to make money and contribute financially to the marriage. That’s why he wants you to qualify for work in the United States. He couldn’t be more clear about this. If you don’t do this, he won’t marry you.

You cannot make him marry you if you don’t do what he’s asking. That’s the nature of an arrangement between adults. He will decide whether or not to marry you, just as you will decide whether or not to marry him. You also can’t make him love you. Love is a feeling that people have, grow or don’t have or grow for others. You can’t MAKE him love or marry you any more than he can do the same to you.

I think you’re expecting too much from an arranged marriage and not seeing it as the business arrangement it is. If you can accept the reality of your situation, you may understand what you can and cannot do, better. This understanding may help with your depression. Right now you’re depressed because you think an arranged marriage has the benefits of the kind of marriage where two people decide to meet, date and marry without a business arrangement. There are people who think arranged marriages are great and work wonderfully. Then, there are others who don’t. Be clear on what you’re committing to before you do it.

I hope you make a decision that is right for you.

[amoon]

Thanks for the reply April.
You are right here, I want arrange marriage with love!
Now I need your suggestion that what should I do now? Should I do my test without saying anything to him and get married? Or should I say him marry me without this business arrangement otherwise don’t marry? or should I get rid of this relationship, as i am not seeing love in it from his side, but he says he loves me. Please help me what should I do?
What would happen if I clear the test and i got married with him? Will our relation work? Will he value me? Or he will take me for granted. Actually I don’t want to obey his orders. I have my own value. I want that when he marry me he should think that he has owned a precious girl. I want him to struggle for me. What my attitude should be towards him? What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My first piece of advice is to spend time with him and date him in person before you marry him. It seems like that could easily be an amendment to your arrangement. That way you’ll get to know him and be better able to decide if he wants you whether or not you contribute financially to the marriage. Your concerns about love aren’t typical of people who are successful in arranged marriages.

If you do decide to go through with the marriage, you can require a pre-nuptial agreement before you marry him as part of the arrangement, as well. Lots of women in the United States have these, and it is a sort of insurance policy to protect both parties if the marriage doesn’t work out. Since your engagement was a business arrangement, it seems logical to also arrange a “pre-nup” contract so that if things don’t work out, you’ll know what you get. You’ll need a good lawyer from the state in which you’re going to be living in the United States, and you can get one by contacting the local bar association in that city and asking for a referral.

It would be helpful to know why you agreed to an arranged marriage in the first place, and who arranged the marriage for you. You should talk more to whomever did arrange this marriage and ask them why they picked this guy for you. You may be enlightened.

It’s impossible for me to tell you if your relationship will work or if he will value you or take you for granted because many marriages where both people know each other for years before they marry fail. People change and expectations of marriage change within the relationship. You can’t control someone else, but you can control you. One thing, however, that will indicate a successful marriage is the amount of loyalty and respect both parties have for the arranged marriage process. Lots of marriages weather tough times because both parties believe in staying married. If you and your fiance believe and invest in the process of arranged marriages then you’ll have a better chance of making it work. But if you don’t, which it’s sounding like right now, the marriage has less of a chance of working.

Frankly, from what you’ve written, you really don’t know this guy well enough to marry him considering you don’t sound like someone who trusts the process of arranged marriages. You do have a responsibility to let your fiance know that you don’t want to obey his orders if you marry him and that you have your own values and what they are. You should ask him if he will value you and still love you if you don’t take your test and work in America. Talk to him about his expectations for the marriage, and express your own to him.

I hear that you want him to struggle to win you over, but that’s not going to happen because you’ve already agreed to marry him without giving him anything to struggle for! 😕 It really sounds to me like this isn’t going to work for you and that you want a more modern courtship and marriage.

[Member]

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