[Rosielee]

My husband has had affairs before. One I suspected a long time ago and one about five years ago which I discovered and proved when I caught him in the act (he wa s trying to make me feel like I was crazy an paranoid but knew u wasn’t). I found evidence he had been seeing a friend before Christmas and suspected but he said I was completely wrong and it was platonic. He has found out he has in curable cancer in the last few weeks. I am supporting him as I love him to bits and can’t bear the thought of being without him. He is away this weekend and as I have the iPad which is linked to his phone I can see his phone activity with this other woman (who is also away with him – it’s a musical band competition). I had said I wanted to go to support him and cheer him on and I thought that the brush off was a little strange. He has seemed quite devoted lately, and grateful. Everything was going so well. I now feel like someone had just punched me in the stomach and it is unbearable. What do I do? I can’t leave. I don’t want him to leave (and he made me promise i would look after him at the end). I feel really helpless and upset.

[Rosielee]

Just to clarify I wasn’t snooping – I was online on the iPad and was going to face time my son which is why I saw the ‘activity’ tonight.

[Rosielee]

He has just deleted the call that he made to her. Now I know something odd is going on

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he has incurable cancer, how long does the doctor say he has to live?

[Rosielee]

We are talking, hopefully, years. I can’t do this for years though. There’s turning a blind eye and then there’s feeling like a total mug. And I feel like a total and utter mug at the moment.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it.

It sounds like your husband’s affairs are not new, and you’ve known about them for years. What is new, in the last couple of weeks, is his incurable cancer diagnosis, which you say leaves him several years left to live. People react differently to this kind of event. He may be having this new affair as a reaction. You may suddenly be wanting to leave him, even though his behavior is not new, because of this diagnosis. And certainly, an end of life date, colors everything. This isn’t just about his cheating.

Regarding the relationship, my advice is to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Try to do this without blame or aggression. You can tell him what you discovered and how you discovered it and how you feel about it. Don’t get defensive on how you discovered it and try not to dwell on that part of the conversation — it will be easy to avoid the hard stuff and focus on this less important information as a distraction. Tell him how hurt you are, and how you love him and are devastated about his diagnosis, and you want to make a plan for how the two of you want to spend his last couple of years together. You can tell him that you understand that he may want to cheat, and how it hurts you when this happens, but with only a few years left, you don’t want to have any more dishonesty or game playing — if that’s possible. Suggest that it is too devastating to live with him, knowing this is going on, and that to be the wife who sticks by him, living separately might be a way to get through this. I’m just throwing out suggestions. You get to be creative, soul search, and riff with him about what will work.

Legally, and financially (and I’m not a lawyer or an accountant or a business manager — so you should probably consult all three!), it may be beneficial to you to stay married, if he is dying. I don’t know if you have children or not, but you need to consider your position as a future widow, and/or a divorcee, a single parent, etc. Don’t react to his diagnosis or his cheating without thinking this through and consulting with professionals who can help you with his end of life decisions. As I said before, this is about more than just his cheating.

Let me know if you have any more questions.

[Member]

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