[emile72]

My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 2 years. During this time his 15 year old daughter has caused nothing but problems. The problem is that she has always gotten what she has wanted and has never been told “no”. Since we moved in together, we have structure in our home. I have a 14 year old son and we feel that both kids should hear the word no once in a while. When his daughter asks to do something and her dad doesn’t let her, she flips out. She cries and calls us both names. I have done everything in my power to get along with her and nothing works. It might work for a little while then she falls back into the name-calling routine. Neither her dad or her mother will stick to punishment with her therefore she knows that she can get away with ANYTHING. It is now to the point where I have made it clear that she is not welcome in our home. Is there any hope for my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I love with all my heart?

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, rest assured that the job description of any 15 year old is to cause problems. 😆 And just because your 14 year old doesn’t, doesn’t mean that your boyfriend’s 15 year old is doing anything wrong. It’s very hard to be a teenager in a “regular” family let alone in one where there is shared custody and dad’s girlfriend and her son live in the same house as she does with dad. So while I feel for ANY parent with a teenager, it’s a great idea to cut this one in particular, some slack.

Second, understand that the problems you are having with your boyfriend’s daughter are not her fault. She has not been disciplined up to now in a way that she hears the word no. Hearing it for the first time from her dad’s girlfriend is NOT going to endear her to you, so find a way to understand that you are in an untenable situation if you are the one who has to say no to her.

Because you’re not married to her dad it’s an excellent idea to leave the disciplining of his child to him. It’s really no win for you if you try to step in and do what he and his ex-wife should have done, but didn’t. So what you need to do is tell your boyfriend about this problem and ask him what he plans to do about it. If you can handle this problem calmly and with some structure, it will help maintain peace in a house with teenagers. The simple solution is to set up a series of reasonable consequences for behavior — both good and bad. For instance, if your boyfriend’s 15 year old has a tantrum HE can take away television privileges. If she has a particularly good day, likewise, HE can give her ice cream money or movie money or the equivalent. But unless HE is willing to do what most fathers usually leave to mothers to do: discipline the daughters, you’re going to end up in more of the muddle you find yourself in.

If you can help it, keep yourself out of the bad guy role. Being the stepmother too easily lends itself to that role, naturally. I know you want the best for your boyfriend’s daughter, and are trying to re-teach her manners and behavior you feel her parents should have instilled, but you came to the family too late for that. She was already 13 when you entered the scene, so sit tight. In three more years she’ll be off to college and you and your boyfriend will have more peaceful times. But for now, make it clear to your boyfriend that HE has to handle this problem because of the extent to which it’s upsetting you.

Let me know how it goes — I hope this helped. And please join me on Facebook. The link for my page at AskApril.com on Facebook is here: [url][/url].

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