[sadattimes78]

fiance and I had been together for almost 7 years….his sister(whom I worked with at the time) had introduced us. He had this huge crush on me for years before we even met. We hit it off right away, perhaps moved too fast in the first year and almost broke up because of it. But we decided to slow things down and things became much better.Eventually we got engaged, almost bought a house together, but that fell through because of it being a short sale, however we were still looking at more houses. Quite some time had passed, and now we have accumulatedquite a bit of debt. I was working two jobs to help pay things down. I always made time for us, no matter how exhausted I was or whatever, as did he.Fastforward a couple more years…by now I had quit my part time job, however my full time job switch our hours on us, which meant I went from working 3pm-11:30 to now 7pm-430am. We only saw each other on weekends and the occasional day during the week. I have been trying to get a new job, and he saw my efforts. Three weeks ago, on a Tuesday, he hit me with “we never see each other anymore. l don’t feel the same anymore. I love you but im not in love with you anymore. ” The rest of the week we would still talk as we normally did, but that Friday when I was talking to him on my dinner break, I knew things were different. He was just so cold and distant. We made plans to do something the following day. No phone call came. And I never tried to contact him because I figured he needed space. About a week later, I found out he was using our joint account where my pay check went in. I sent him a text and said “what gives? Im not good enough to talk to, but you can use my money? ” he sent me one back and said ” I needed some time to see if things would change and they haven’t. I would like to be friends in the future cause you’re a cool person and we do need to discuss who is going to pay what. DO NOT CALL ME CAUSE I WON’T ANSWER. ” just like that, seven years gone through a text message. …I haven’t tried to contact him at all this whole time…..by the way, we are talking about a 36 year old man and im 35…..im so lost, confused….I dont know what to make of any of this and how this ended up happening. No fighting for us, no consideration for our kids and how they feel (we each have a child from previous relationships who have come to see each other as brothers)….nothing. …i just dont get it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From what you wrote, it sounds like your relationship took a back seat to your finances. 😳 It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you don’t spend time together, and are stressed about work, money and debt (as well as kids) when you are together. I’m not sure why in seven years, at your ages, you never married, but I’m quite sure that the reason for your not marrying is a clue as to why the relationship fell apart.

It’s probably a good thing that you never bought a home together, because that’s one less thing to unravel. And you should probably disengage your finances that are entwined, sooner than later.

It’s going to be easy for you to blame him because it appears that he pulled the rug out from under you, but this didn’t happen in a vacuum or overnight. The work you need to do is to figure out your part in the relationship ending. Did you choose someone who wasn’t compatible with you? Did you put your work and finances ahead of your relationship? Did you stop being the woman he fell in love with in the first place? This isn’t the time to blame yourself — or him — but it is a time to understand why the break up happened, and what you want to do differently now and in the future.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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[sadattimes78]

Thank you for getting back to me….I realize that the financial parts played a huge part in the downfall of our relationship. I also realize that I neglected our relationship because of my stress…I took for granted that the relationship was stronger than it was so I could focus on the other problems to make us stronger. ..im going to go see a therapist, beginning this coming wednesday….I really dont know what else I can do at this point….I miss him and us but I understand things cant be the way they are….I also miss his friendship….I know he has to want to talk to me….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is to not spend money on a therapist — especially when you have financial problems. 😯 You’re just digging yourself deeper into that hole. 😳 This is the moment to change your behavior and not spend what you don’t have or what you need for your monthly nut.

You know exactly what you did wrong, and how you contributed to the relationship failure. 🙁 And that’s good. Because you can use that information to have a better relationship next time.

Now, grieve the relationship’s end, and stay busy and get healthy. You don’t need a therapist — you need to take care of your finances and move on. Yes, you’re going to be very sad because a seven year relationship ended. That’s normal. And it’s difficult. But you’d do a lot better by yourself and your child to use the money you’d spend on soothing yourself with a therapist to pay off debts or start a college fund and be sad with friends and family who can be of long-term support, and who aren’t going to charge you for a problem that is sad, but not complicated. 😉

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