[starhead]

(Before you start reading , i want you know that I’m from an asian country and we take things like virginity very seriously. Though there has been an increase rate of premarital sex in our country, i never thought it’d happen to my boyfriend)

Hi, I’m 19 and my boyfriend’s 18. We’ve been dating for 7 months. He’s like the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can see that he loves me so much too. I’m aware of his past relationships. We dont keep secrets from each other.( I was wrong) I know that he dated his ex for about a year and they broke up because of some problem. I was just his friend then. And then months later we started dating. Things were perfect though we argue a lot over stupid things. Then a few days ago we had a huge fight and we didnt speak for days. Then, my best friend visited me told me there’s something i need to know about my bf and his ex. She asked me if i know they went to the beach together. (In our country, beaches arent in the city and you only visit them on vacation) I said “no, he never told me about that. How do you know?” She told me she was there with her friends and family. And that my bf was there with his friends. And that she also saw his gf”I said “that doesnt mean anything. ” She told me that he took the girl’s V. And then i checked his photos on facebook when they went to the beach ( that was before we started dating) and found evidence that his ex was also there. It bothers me a lot that he hid it from me. I told my friend “Maybe nothing happened”. She showed me more evidence. Her friends apparently ask her to warm me about him when i started dating him. That he already had sex. It shocked me a lot. I really couldnt believe my eyes and my ears. It is a very big deal in our country!! I asked him directly and he confessed. That what he did was wrong. And he wanted to forget about his past. 🙁 if my parents find out, they’d be so disappointed that my boyfriend is not a virgin. I dont know what to do anymore. I’m freaking out here! Should i accept his past and keep dating him? I mean he really loves me. 🙁 but I’m just so shocked. I cant stop picturing him with his ex. It’s killing me. 🙁 any advice? Is it not something i should be concered about??

[AskApril Masini]

Try to look at this incident as an opportunity instead of a problem. He lied to you because he didn’t want to disappoint you — and possibly tell you that he’d done something that would be a relationship deal breaker to you. Of course now, you’re probably wondering if there are other things he lied about, as well, and that’s fair. Now that the truth is out you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. This is an important opportunity for you. There are many people from many countries who don’t want to date someone who’s not a virgin. Are you one of them? If so, your choice is clear. However, if you’re willing to be “okay enough” with his past, then you should continue with the relationship, but talk about how hard it must have been for him to keep this secret from you and how much you don’t want secrets to come between the two of you. This is all much easier said than done, but I think you’re up to the task. 😉

[Sally]

This isn’t just about sex for you, it’s about trust, culture, and the picture you had in your head of him. Finding out he hid this hurts, especially when honesty matters so much where you’re from. At the same time, what he did happened before you. He didn’t cheat on you, and it doesn’t mean what you share now is fake. A lot of people hide parts of their past because they’re scared of being judged or losing someone they love. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does make it human.

What matters is how you feel going forward. If the thoughts won’t stop and you feel sick or resentful, that’s something to listen to. Love can survive a past, but only if you can truly accept it. You don’t have to decide everything right now. Give yourself time to breathe and feel what you feel.

[Tara]

You’re not upset because he had sex, you’re upset because your belief system just collided with reality, and reality won. He didn’t betray you by having a past before you existed. He didn’t owe you his virginity, his body, or a detailed sexual history from a time when you weren’t his girlfriend. What he owed you was honesty when asked, and yes, he hid it, not because he’s evil, but because he knew exactly how rigid and unforgiving your reaction would be. And congratulations, you proved him right.

Now let’s strip this down even further. You’re 19. He’s 18. You’re acting like you uncovered a crime scene instead of a teenager having consensual sex with his then-girlfriend. Calling it “taking her V” like it’s theft tells me everything about how distorted this thinking is. Sex does not erase a man’s worth, loyalty, or capacity to love. If your parents’ potential disappointment matters more than who he actually is as a partner, then stop pretending this is about love; it’s about social approval and fear.

Here’s the non-negotiable reality: if you cannot accept his past without punishing him for it, then leave him. Do not stay and silently resent him, interrogate him, or replay images in your head like self-inflicted torture. That’s cruelty disguised as morality. He cannot undo it. You cannot control it. And no amount of crying will rewrite history. Either you grow up fast enough to understand that people are not born for you untouched, or you walk away and find someone whose values perfectly mirror yours.

[Member]

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