[lieb]

Hi! I don’t know how to begin (it’s my first post here) and I definitely don’t know if this is the right place to post, but I might as well try.

I’ve met my (now ex-boyfriend) best friend (I’ll call him R) in an exchange program in 2010. We connected instantly, and I suppose there were always some sparks between us, except I was dating another guy and R was dating another girl. We hooked up a couple of times, but nothing major. When we came back to our home country things changed a little bit.

We were still involved with the people we were with abroad, but we started to go out more and more and to get involved with each other. We were in a friends with benefits sorta-thing for 1 year – we always had great sex. Sometimes I thought he was a bit shy and unexperienced but things changed after a while – and eventually started dating.

Some of our mutual friends (some of them gay) always thought R could be a closeted gay guy, and sometimes laughed about it. Since we always had great sex I never listened to this.

We were together for almost two years. We had a very complicated relationship and he would drift away everytime things started to get ‘serious’ (I mean, relationship-wise. When it came to meet the parents, for example), like he was afraid to really commit.

We broke up for the first time in May/2013, my decision, which I regreted soon after, but it was too late. We stopped seeing each other for a while and he dated a girl (I’ll call her T) for several months – but we never stopped speaking since he really is my best friend. In the back of my mind I always knew I wanted him back, but I didn’t say anything.

I came back from a business trip in September, to find out that R and T had broken up. One of our friends told me that she bumped into T’s sister in a club and that she said that T and R never had sex during the several months they were together. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t pay too much attention to it, I was determined to get back with R now that T was out of the picture.

We did get back together in November. All was wonderful, sex was amazing, we had the time of our lives for a while.

One fine day, one of my gay friends was checking out Tinder (in his settings, he’s a male looking for a male) and found R’s profile, which was weird. I asked R about him and he looked confused and said he had downloaded it to look for girls when he was single, there could have been an error. I decided to trust him and move on.

I travelled again for work and when I came back I noticed things had changed. R was distant and started putting all this obstacles for us to meet. When it finally happened, we had sex but it was weird. Well, eventually we talked about what was happening and we broke up because he said he fell out of love with me (which was very hard to hear and broke my heart) even though he loved me to death as his best friend.

We spent a month without speaking, and now we’re starting to be in talking terms again. And during this period, another gay friend told me he found his profile on Tinder (again, male looking for male). And then another gay friend. And other little things happened and I was starting to lose my mind. So I stupidly changed my own profile settings and voilà – once I was a guy looking for another guy, I found his profile (trust me, I’ve searched a lot before, as a girl looking for a guy).

I even ‘liked’ him. It was a match – he came to talk to me laughing about it and said he would have been offended if he found me on Tinder and I didn’t like him back. I was thinking: “I’ve only found you on Tinder because I pretended to be a guy”, but I didn’t.

I’m sorry if this is a long post, but I am so confused. I don’t know if he is gay or if he’s just experimenting, but still. The fear of commitment, backing out when things got serious, not having any other significant relationships with girls except me and T, not having sex with T, having to be very drunk in order to hook up with girls (except me and T, I guess), not having sex with any other girl that I am aware of (except me, again), and now clearly looking for guys in a dating app. ALL my gay friends (I have a lot) always thought he was gay and always thought I was settling on something that would never go anywhere because of that.

Thing is. I am SO hurt and confused because 1) all the sex we had, and we had a lot of sex, and he never seemed uninterested or had to be drunk or anything to do it; he would check on me naked, we would have sex in daylight, he never tried to have anal sex with me and he was easily aroused – except for the past month of our relationship.

2) I’ve read some stories about closeted guys that try and succeed having straight relationships just to see if it will ‘go away’, and I have so many gay friends; I’ve seen their coming out proccess and I know what it looks like, and I know R VERY WELL, and if this is the case, I wanted to be there for him, to help him. I wanted him to be honest with me. At this point I don’t really care that our relationship failed (if he is indeed gay, I get it, I really do) and I love him so much as a friend, I don’t know. I want him to be able to talk to me. I also think I deserve to know if something is going on since we’ve been trying for four years.

I don’t know how to confront him, and I think I shouldn’t confront him (if he is really coming out he can be traumatized I guess lol), but it’s eating me alive somehow. He knows I have absolutely nothing against gays, that I spend most of my time with gays, he knows that I try to be a free-prejudice person in all aspects of my life. If this is what’s happening I wanted him to tell me but I don’t know how can I bring up the subject without hurting him and myself. I just want to be his friend and I want him to trust me like he has ’til now.

I’m sorry for the long post. I suppose someone will read and try to help me here. Thanks a lot!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not dating any more, so my advice is to move on. Altogether. 😉 Men and women can’t be friends because one person is always more interested in the other other at some point, and that doesn’t make honesty possible. In addition, it’s a lot harder to move on when you’re not truly single because your ex-boyfriend is in your life.

Whether he’s gay or not is less important than the fact that the two of you are no longer together. It’s not your place to confront him — but it is your responsibility to move on and find someone who’s right for you today. 😀

I hope that helps!

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