[amuzze]

Me and my ex were together for a year. then one night she breaks up with me and says she’s never coming back and she ended up doing stuff with her ex boyfriend. i ended up doing things with another girl that night. eventually me and her get back together. two weeks later she finds out i did something with another girl and she broke up with me. time goes by and she starts dating someone else and it breaks me. a month and a half goes by and for a couple weeks i decided to just completely ignore her. she was still with the new guy though. so after a couple weeks of not paying attention to her she comes to my house and says “oh i don’t want to be with this guy anymore because i’m sill in love with you” this and that. the thing was i started ignoring her completely because right before i started doing that she came back and was confessing her love for me and said she was gonna break up with the new guy but eventually didn’t
so basically after ignoring her she’s coming back for the SECOND time saying this stuff
so i just went ahead and said “look break up with him right now” she did. we ended up reconnecting and having sex and she was telling me that i’m the one for her now and she’s completely sure of it. so not even a day later everything just changes. she starts being short and saying she feels pressured. she literally went from “I love you more than anything” to “let’s not even talk today” i don’t understand. she still hangs with a guy she broke up with so that’s annoying. i want her back, help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you said that you’re 19 and she’s 18 and the two of you have been dating for about a year, so you have to understand that a lot of the behavior you’re seeing from your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend has to do with her simply being a teenager. There’s a wide scope of maturity and behavior for teenagers and one of you may be very mature, the other one not so much — all at the same age range. So it will help if you can adjust your expectations for her, as well as yourself. Sometimes behavior you don’t like comes from a lack of experience and sometimes it’s just the result of hormonal surges creating emotionally-based behaviors. Teenage life in general is complicated. 😉

That said, she’s made her erratic dating choices known to you, and while you don’t like them, step back and accept them. She’s letting you know with her actions that she’s all over the map. You can’t take her word because it’s not that she’s being dishonest — she’s just erratic in the romance department. I know you want her back, and you want her back under your terms (monogamy and clarity), but she’s not ready for that and if you push for that, she’s going to push back because she feels pressured to do something she’s not ready for.

I know this is disappointing, but it’s much better to get clarity and then make decisions from there. You want commitment. She’s not ready. If you stay, expect more of the same, given what you know.

[Sally]

This whole thing has been intense, messy, emotional, and it keeps pulling you back in. But here’s the hard truth, said calmly. What you two have right now isn’t stability, it’s a cycle. Big feelings, breakups, rebounds, sex, promises, then distance again. That up-and-down can feel like love, but it’s actually confusion mixed with comfort.

When she comes back, it’s usually when she’s losing you or feeling unsure somewhere else. When things calm down, she pulls away again. That’s not because you’re not enough. It’s because she doesn’t know what she wants and keeps dragging you through that with her.

You can’t make her choose you by wanting her harder. If she wanted to be with you without doubt, you’d feel it consistently. Wanting her back makes sense. Staying in this loop is what’s breaking you. Sometimes stepping back is the only way the truth shows itself.

[Tara]

You don’t want her back; you’re addicted to the chaos and the validation.
She doesn’t love you. She uses you to regulate her emotions. When she feels lonely, insecure, or unwanted, she runs back to you. When she feels reassured, she gets bored, “pressured,” or distracted by the next guy. That’s not confusion. That’s a pattern.

She broke up with you and slept with her ex. You slept with someone else. Fine damage was done on both sides. But everything after that? That’s on you. You kept taking her back after she showed you exactly who she is. Every time you ignore her, she panics and comes running because she’s losing control of the supply. The moment she has you again, she pulls away. That’s why the switch flips overnight. The chase ends. The need is gone.

Her hanging out with the guy she “broke up with” tells you everything. She didn’t choose you. She chose access. She wants options, attention, and emotional safety, not commitment, not stability, not you as a partner.

And you? You keep mistaking intensity for love and sex for resolution. You think that if you just say the right thing or wait long enough, she’ll settle. She won’t. Women like this don’t settle; they cycle.

You’re asking, “Why does she do this?” because part of you thinks understanding will fix it. It won’t. The behavior is the answer.
if you get back with her again, you deserve the next round of pain. Because at that point, you’re not being hurt, you’re volunteering.
Cut contact. Completely. No checking, no waiting, no “one last talk.” She will come back again when she feels the loss. That doesn’t mean anything changed. It just means the cycle restarted.

[Member]

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