[chrissyluv]

I’m 25 and I was friends with this guy for about a year. We hung out every week and texted on the phone everyday. We were having sex. We traveled together went to Vegas for his birthday and Puerto Rico for spring break. Whatever he needed I helped him with. I made sure everytime we were together he got sex every night and head and breakfast every morning. Everything a women should do. I brought him around my family and I met his mom. I ended up getting serious feelings for him and he made me feel like he did too. After a year of year of hanging out he finally told me he cared about me and he liked me a lot and he never wants to hurt me. I knew he was talking with other females bc he had evidence in his apartment (female hair and women’s clothing tags). I already knew I wasn’t the only one and I told him I knew and it didn’t really bother me bc we weren’t together. I let him know regardless I still wanted to be friends and to just be honest with me. He would always tell me that he doesn’t know where it came from its old or it was from me. He would tell me I’m the only one. I would usually believe him and just let it go thinking maybe it really wasn’t anything and I was over thinking things. We were using condoms and we stopped for about 2 months bc I got on birth control. Something told me to look in the trash can by his bed where he puts the condoms. I dug in the trash and found used condoms of course. I texted him and I told him the next day and he never answered me back and its been 3 days. I let him know I wasn’t mad but it did hurt bc he wasn’t honest with me about it. Was I wrong for looking in the trash? Should I have just mind my business? Is he embarrassed? Is it possible he just played me? Should I reach out to him in a couple of weeks? I’m so confused and hurt please help if you can. I know I should date other people but I’ve dated for a couple of years and haven’t met anyone worth my time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you and this guy have been having sex and doing some hanging out for about a year now, and you’ve kind of known that he’s also been seeing other women, but you don’t have a commitment with him, so you never brought it up. Now, you’ve called him on these other women, and he’s not responding to you. Let me break it down for you.

I assume he’s about your age, 25, also, and as a young woman, you have to decide what you want in a relationship and be conscious of what it is you’re doing to get what you want, or what you’re doing that is working against what you want. The problem here is that you like this guy and he likes you, too — but it really sounds like you want a commitment, and you haven’t been honest with yourself about that. When you want a commitment, you have to look for someone who wants the same thing, and if he doesn’t, no matter how awesome he is, you’re not going to get what you want from him. That’s what’s happening now. For a long time, you’ve looked the other way when he says he doesn’t know how evidence of other women has gotten into his apartment. Now, you’re not looking the other way. You’re confronting him. You’ve broken the pattern of what’s worked.

This guy has made it clear enough, although not in a forthcoming way, that he’s seeing other women. You have to decide if you want to go along with him, knowing that. If you do, you have to understand that calling him out for being dishonest, is going to make you less attractive to him. He’s going to feel like he’s done something wrong, and no guy wants to feel that way. That’s why he’s not responding to you. He’s also not being honest with you about his seeing other women because he doesn’t want to deal with your feelings. So if you do continue seeing him, don’t expect that to change.

I hope that helps you understand what happened and why. And that you can make better decisions for yourself going forward.

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[chrissyluv]

Thank you for responding April.
I have let him know before that there’s nothing wrong with him talking with other women bc he is single and that’s what he’s supposed to do. I just asked that he not lie to me about it bc I told him I did have feelings but I was still his friend regardless. He shouldn’t have to feel like he should have to hide anything from me. Do you think the reason for the no response from him was because I called him on his dishonesty?

[chrissyluv]

Also do advise that I reach out to him again or should I just let it go?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you told him that you didn’t want him to lie to you, and he has, the question is, what are [i]you[/i] going to do now that you’ve set the relationship parameters, and he’s failed to adhere to them. The ball is really in your court now. I know that you think the two of you are friends, but you’re not. Friends don’t have sex, and friends are honest with each other. He’s a boyfriend or a lover, or a friend with benefits — but he’s not a true friend. I think that you have to decide if you’d rather have monogamy or him because you can’t have both. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[chrissyluv]

You’re right. Thanks for your advice April!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

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[chrissyluv]

***Update***
So he decided to reach out to me with normal conversation as if we just spoke yesterday. He told me that he thought about me and he wanted to see me. I’m not really phased bc I know some men are like roaches that never really go away. Why do some men come back as if nothing ever happened?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because they want to see you without drama. 😉

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[chrissyluv]

I’m not a fan of drama but I guess they think we forgot what happened. On another note… I have another question. I’ve been talking to this guy on and off OkCupid for about 4 months. He finally decides to give me his number. He seems as if he’s interested bc he flirts with me, but the only way we really talk is if I initiate convo first. Could he be shy? Not really into me? Probably really busy or maybe he is dating a lot of other ladies too?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he doesn’t initiate conversation with you and he doesn’t ask for your number, he’s not that into you. 😕 Find someone who is. 🙂

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[Natalie Noah]

The dynamic with this first guy is a classic example of blurry boundaries disguised as friendship. You’ve invested time, energy, intimacy, and emotions into someone who was clear from the start that he wasn’t committed to monogamy. You tried to set boundaries asking him to be honest but when he broke them, the frustration and hurt you felt were entirely valid. The difficult part here is that you were hoping for honesty without losing the connection, but the reality is that someone unwilling to honor your boundaries isn’t equipped to provide the trust or respect you deserve.

April is really pointing out that the power is in your hands now. Once he’s demonstrated dishonesty, you get to decide what you will accept moving forward. Reaching out again or waiting for him to return is essentially giving him the option to continue patterns that hurt you. Men often return after disappearing, not because they’ve had a change of heart, but because the path of least resistance seeing someone without dealing with the consequences is easier for them. That doesn’t mean you owe them engagement; it’s your choice to maintain your dignity and boundaries.

What’s striking is your self-awareness you recognize that this isn’t about drama or being controlling; it’s about wanting honesty and care. The pain comes from a mismatch between what you need in a relationship and what he is capable of giving. Being used to excusing behavior because “he’s single” doesn’t erase your feelings or invalidate your need for respect. April is right: friends don’t have sex and then lie to each other. If monogamy and honesty are priorities for you, then this relationship or “friendship” doesn’t align with what you truly want.

The scenario is another layer of clarity. If someone doesn’t initiate, doesn’t invest effort, and only responds when prompted, it signals low interest. You’re noticing a pattern: when someone truly wants a connection, they show up consistently, communicate openly, and make you feel valued. Your awareness here is your compass. Both situations whether the unfaithful friend or the hesitant online suitor highlight that your energy is precious and should be directed toward people who actively meet you halfway, rather than those who leave you chasing them.

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