[PearlKiss]

Dear Cupid,

I’ve learned a lot from my ex, S., and I am grateful that he taught me I could love again. We never made it to an exclusive relationship, and we were dating for about two months. We broke it off half a month ago. I am 20 and S. is 33, and although he knew some tricks, we were close in maturity levels.

He’s back in town and called me about something trivial, and I think he wants to see me.
[He called me last week, about how he found cheap stainless steel waterbottles he had been looking for.]

This is our “short” history. Mistakes are numbered 1-6

I ended a 2-year depressing, boring relationship, and I was on the rebound, not ready for anything serious.

A week or two later I finally went out with Mark, the hot therapist I met in my 10-day health class. After the 10 days were over, we had [1] sex on the second date [it was a great date], I hung around his place [2] for 3 days. Then he leaves for three weeks, and asks me not to sleep with anybody else, [3] I agreed. I freaked out a little because he wanted commitment. And, [4] although I agreed not to, [5] I slept with someone else [not normal behavior on my part]. Then I almost did it again!

[6] I told him. And he cried but “forgave” me, and acted like it wasn’t a big deal, and he “had to take it slower” with me.

At this point I realized that I had strong feelings for him, too. I told him that I loved him. He stopped telling me that he loved me.

We were probably screwed at this point.

We resumed plans for me to visit him in another state [planning on going to the beach, anyways]. The visit was fun, especially the first day or two…but he seemed more and more emotionally detached, it hurt a lot. I said I was going to go [day 4], and he was disappointed and surprised. We both got sick so I stayed longer, and we took care of each other. He kissed me goodbye and I went on to more travels after 5 days together.

Back from our visit, my calls drop off because I feel hurt, and I am busy getting relationship advice. A week or two later, I call and calmly tell him that I wanted better treatment [I was specific].
Mark got angry, said he didn’t think I was relationship material [because I mentioned I was dating other men, although we had agreed that was okay] and he didn’t want to pursue anything further.
I figured that he never forgave me for sleeping with that other guy, and he agreed.

But he wanted to hang out with me back in my city.

The irony is that I am “relationship material.” I am very loyal, reliable, cool and loving in a relationship.

At first I was on the rebound and not ready for anything, but after realizing my feelings, I kept dating other people until I was sure about him, [even though I really wanted him].

S. has personal problems [trust issues, depression] and I think we both had problems communicating. He works in my town 15 days out of the month.

I think he was angry at me, and/or bored “familiarity breeds contempt.”

I think I have another chance, but we should continue to date other people as we get to know one another.

I love him. I’m going to be cool, and friendly and seduce him [but not sleep with him until he’s mine].

Is this a huge mistake?

Sincerely,
Pearl

[GPM]

Hi Pearl,

I’m a guy and I completely understand Mark’s reaction. Relationships are built on trust. How can you expect him to trust you now? He asked you not to sleep with anybody else, you said “yes” and then you broke that commitment. In the back of his mind, he’s telling himself that he can’t trust you anymore. I’d be the same way. At his age, he’s not fooling around anymore. If he thinks you might cheat on him in the future, he won’t want to get involved with you. You can try to win him back. If you do, prepare to be in a relationship with somebody who will have a hard time trusting you. It’ll take him a long time to [b]really[/b] forgive you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Member]

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