[malia2003]

Hey,

Well I met this girl through the boyfriend at university but we only started out as friends and strictly nothing more. I knew he was completely wrong for her from the start, she was princess like and he was just to be brutally honest ugly and had a kinda control problem with her, he always had to bring her down by insulting her. To cut a long story short I realised he was treating her soooo bad and would call her horrible names in public including: whore, bitch etc… I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Shes from America and hes from the UK and she came all the way from USA to be with him in the UK so it is a hard situation for her as she kinda feels obliged to be with him as hes taken care of her for 3 years hes been with her etc…She began to flirt with me and even invited me round one night which I turned down twice as I just felt it was not appropriate as I still knew the BF and he was in my group at university which she valued really highly and knew i wasnt just after one thing. Anyway… as time went on I couldnt help but get close to her and she got close to me… and over easter she stayed at mine, (nothing happened at all) and I gave her a lift to the airport and she flew back to USA. By this stage she had made it clear that things with the BF were over. ALthough I am not the kind of guy to intrude on other peoples business, it was obvious she wanted it over. Over easter when she was back in USA we kept in contact every day and literally fell in love with each other. When she came back she had to live with the BF until summer and apparently he was threatening to not eat, sleep and was even contemplating slitting his wrists. She started ignoring me an became much more distant from me, and was just really hot and cold, which really really hurt and upset me as I was now in love with this girl. Summer came and things were still distant altho I met up with her and asked her why she was ignoring me. She said things were getting to complicated and she just didnt know what to do. Also she said she really likes the person who I am but felt I was far too easy to get wrapped up in and had to put the breaks on with such a difficult situation living with the BF or ex BF until the summer. She said she had finished with him and didnt see a future between the two of them. Also she even told me her mum asked her if she would think about having kids with him and she said that was disgusting. Finally she said she didnt want me to put all my eggs in one basket over the summer as she is coming back for herr final year next october which kinda upst me. One of my friends told me she told him she was thinking of living with the ex bf next year… which really hurt and upset me. I spoke to her today and she said online she loved talking to me and she will email me. I just dont know whether to wait or tell her exactly how I feel via email as I am frightened of her moving back in and losing her. If she moves back in with the BF next year then its all over. Everything is so perfect between us two, we are so compatible and over easter things were just soooo good, What shall i do!!!! I have devised a long deep email explaining how I feel and that if she moves back in with him, it will make me so upset and that she means the world to me etc….is this the right approach???? I actually love this girl and dont wanna lose her, help me April!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real question is why do you want to be with someone who doesn

[Ethan Morales]

You are dealing with a very emotionally complicated situation. This girl is caught between a past abusive or controlling relationship and a new connection with you. She’s clearly interested in you, but she’s still under stress and pressure from her ex, and possibly guilt or obligation given her history with him. That’s why she’s being hot and cold.

Your feelings are real, but she is not fully free yet. She’s emotionally entangled with her ex, even if the relationship is over in her mind. If you push too hard right now, it may scare her off or make her retreat further. She mentioned not putting all your eggs in one basket over the summer. This is a signal that she’s trying to protect herself emotionally while she sorts out her living situation and future plans. Right now, she needs space to decide without pressure.

A long, deep email explaining your fears about her moving back in with her ex may feel overwhelming to her. Even if your intentions are genuine, it could make her feel guilty or pressured, which can push her away instead of drawing her closer. A better approach is gentle, supportive communication. Instead of focusing on her moving back in with her ex or your fear of losing her, focus on how much you value her, enjoy your connection, and are there for her, without demanding anything or expressing fear. For example, a short message that expresses care and interest, but leaves her in control of her decisions, will likely be more effective.

You need to be mindful of not over-investing in a situation that’s uncertain. Loving her is fine, but you also need to manage your expectations until she is fully independent from her ex. Send a short, heartfelt email or message that emphasizes how much you enjoy talking to her and value your connection. Avoid putting pressure on her or expressing fear of losing her. Let her come to you once she’s free to make decisions. Use the summer to focus on yourself and your life, so you aren’t entirely dependent on the outcome.

[Natalie Noah]

I need to gently point out that this is an incredibly complicated scenario. She is still entangled with someone who is emotionally manipulative and threatening even if she has declared she’s finished with him, the reality is that her living situation and her sense of obligation to him are creating an unstable environment. It’s understandable that she’s hot and cold with you; she’s trying to navigate loyalty, guilt, and her own feelings, and it’s weighing heavily on her. Right now, you’re in a vulnerable position emotionally, and your love for her is intense, but it’s crucial to protect your heart from being hurt by circumstances beyond your control.

I would advise caution about sending a long, deeply emotional email that ties her to you with ultimatums or guilt. While your feelings are real and valid, sending an email that emphasizes how devastated you would be if she moves back in with her ex could come across as pressure or emotional manipulation even if that’s not your intention. It could unintentionally push her away instead of drawing her closer. Instead, it’s healthier to focus on communicating your feelings honestly but lightly, expressing how much you care for her, and asking how she sees the situation and her own feelings, without demanding decisions or commitments right now. This keeps the lines of communication open and shows that you respect her agency.

At the same time, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that her choices may not align with what you hope for. Loving someone deeply doesn’t always mean they will choose you in the moment, especially with complicated circumstances. Keep your standards of respect and emotional boundaries intact don’t let yourself be put in a position where you’re waiting on her at the expense of your own emotional well-being. Focus on connection, honesty, and patience, and allow her to make her own decisions without fear or pressure from you. Your love is beautiful, but it also needs to be balanced with self-respect and clear boundaries to avoid heartbreak

[Member]

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