[Anonymous]

i recently found out my boyf had cheated on me, plus things hadnt been goin so well anyway so i ended the relationship. very soon afterwards his best friend told me he loved me and had done for years, i had also thought of him alot but never aloud myself t assess my feelings, but now i realise i love him too.

The situation is stll very hard i havent done anytin about it because i only just broke up with my boyfriend and even tho he did wrong on me i know he still loves me deeply and his friend has been a long standing one, i just dont want to do that on him it would kill him. its not fair though because if i had just met his friend under normal circumstances he would b the man of my dreams.

Please dnt tell me to just go for it like i unbelievably want to because its not that simple we are surrounded by a lot of friends who just wouldnt get it and yes i care wat they think plus i have a daughter who looked at my boyfriend as her father, how fucked up would it b for her if i started seein his best friend. Then theres his family who i am really close to, they would never forgive me.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you’ve told me not to tell you to go for it and you’ve given me all the reasons you don’t want to date your ex-boyfriend’s best friend, but since when do I not tell the truth?? 😆

My advice is that you devise a game plan, carefully. First of all, you sound like the break up with your boyfriend was recent, and he was close to your daughter, so give you and your daughter a chance to heal, process what happened, grieve and understand that you are both okay without a man in your lives. (Of course she should have a relationship with her dad, but I think you know what I mean.)

When this healing starts to occur, and you and your daughter are more comfortable with your new status (you broken up with your ex-boyfriend) THEN you can start to date. The healing time, however, is important, because it’s very easy to let guys like your ex-boyfriend’s best friend, who may have been close family friends, to “fly in under the radar” that would normally keep out inappropriate guys. For instance, when you meet someone you know nothing about, online, you’re more apt to ask questions, be discriminating and find out who this guy is. When old friends suddenly want to date you, because you’ve known them for so long, you may not scrutinize them the same way you would someone genuinely new, so be careful about letting this old friend in. Make sure he measures up, and wait until you’re healed and are not so raw with emotion to use your brain to do so.

If you decide, [i]at that time,[/i] that you want to date this guy, date him on the down low. Be very, very discrete about dating him. Don’t announce this to your friends, and don’t tell your daughter (I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m assuming she’s young) you’re dating until you decide he’s someone special in your life, and then and only then, at that time when you’re ready to become engaged to him (!), can you introduce him to your daughter as your boyfriend. You shouldn’t put her through your dating life — it’s too much trauma for her.

If you care what your friends think, and they disapprove of your life, get new friends. It’s not that hard to do if you’re a decent person, which I surmise from your post you are.

I hope that helps!

[Member]

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