[izzie16729]

My situation is Im highly lost and confused

i met this guy who i didnt even want to give a chance to. from the moment i met him i thought he was an ASS! And told him to his face that he was an ass! But he said to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to get to know him. I avoided him for awhile but finally gave in to his persistance. Turns out we hit it off. It was probably the best date ever.We had so much in common yet we were so different on out perspectives. We treats me like goddess. Whatever we do its always fun. We started dating constantly for 2 months. he decides to take a family trip and comes home to express his feelings in a drunken state of mind to me. leaves onces he notices he spent the night and remembers nothing. Avoids me for a couple of days and tells me what he told me that drunken night. We decide to take the next step and become offical.

a month goes by and everything changes. work cuts in, family cuts in, i get sick, he gets sick etc. we discuss how im feeling neglicted/used/not wanted and ask if we should step back. he says no i want this to work. time goes by an where back to the life gets in the way situation. it happens so much we have the relationship conversation 3 times. We call it quits when he says he cant do it anymore. I make no attempt to have conact with him. he contacts me, and were back to square one.This goes on for a while. story repeats itself over and over. It gets so bad we stop communicating. I stop messaging/calling/texting. he goes to making late night calls. things just flat out change. to make along story short we have an on and off relationship. he says he needs time and me to be patient. I agree to try. He says i need 6 months to find himself. N get things done so we can be together the way we should be.

I love the guy. never told him, dont think i ever will. He motivates me, challenges me (thinking/goals), he pushes me forward. If he says it id do it. I dont think he’d do it for me.

recently on a night out with my girl friends. 2months later. I realise hes neither here no there. I want someone by my side, like he used to be. Willing to take part in the important things that matter to me. I want to go out on dates again,No more late night “what u doing” “where u at ” texts. So i tell him i realize at that point i dont matter to him. that he cant give me the things i need or want. that i hope he finds someone to treat him well because i cant do it anymore. This was out of anger, doubt, fustration, and my insecurities. The way i saw it was that it was over. We were no longer friends nor companions. I get no thing back. I know drinking and texting dont go hand in hand.I hate the emotional rollar coaster were on. It needs to stop.

1 week later i get a link to his blog via email dont respond. view to see all his closes friends and my name as the people who got it. then 2 weeks later i get the craziest text from him saying that he was greatful to have such a caring person like me in his life and that he had an ephinany cuz he had been held up by a man with a gun at work. I of course freaked and began to panic. I asked if he was ok. he said yes. hes he said he wanted to keep his peace with me. He wanted us to be friends. But i know that i cant be friends with ex’s. theres always the lonely night/meets/n hookups i dont need. So i refrain with friendships after breakups. I say i cant be friends. He gets upset. I feel guilty and check up on him and we briefly talk.

A party weekend comes up and were texting back and fourth. I see him that night. He comes over. we talk. truely was a great conversation. we discussed insecurities. he lays next to me and comes in 4 an embrace I hold him the whole time. he tells me he needs me. he doesnt wana lose this. cuz its great. but we have to work on it. make the attempt. We go back to talking every day checking up. letting each other know when were home. Caring for one another. We comes over we have makeup sex. and were good.then a he comes over 2days later in another drunken state of mind. He says he hates life has no motivation. Wants to leave his job but gets paid to do nothing.He tells me he gets annoyed by the cutesy things i do and he cant cuddle. He wants to sit at home and eat n sleep and do nothing. then out of the blue says “i cant do me and u anymore”

i freak but i think i kinda knew he couldnt do us the effort was getting better but it wasnt where it used to be. i get up set and he starts talking life goals, our opinions. Says he doesnt want anyone ever to understand him or be able to predict him. But that im the only person able to predict him and it drives him crazy. Tells me im a woman n he cant handle a woman right now. then he repeats He wants to sit at home and eat n sleep and do nothing. He tries to leave but i stop him. i want answers and quick. he repeats the whole understand & predict thing again. Emotions are flying at this point. I get angry an assume he used me. he need comfort and he knew id give it to him. hes says that wasnt it. I dont believe. I start interagating him telling him he used me. He repeats this “it wasnt like that” “dont say that” Im looking @ him and he shaking his he’d a sad expression on his face. then finally say”fine thats what it was”. i ask where did it go wrong what happened cuz i want closure. He says i dont have any emotion towards u, i dont have emotion for anything. Emotion really! i get angry, if you dont have emotion why attempt to make this time around work? Why tell me i need you? Things improved so much then just fell flat in a couple days. these words i bitter. he says i wish the guy who had the gun would of killed. I freak thinking omg is he ok, is he depressed, how do i help him.then he proceeds with i have no compassion towards you. long story short we end things. Before he leaves i say to him delete me from your contacts in front of me. I dont want any phone calls, texts, voicemails. He gets a sad expression on his face and says our you sure. i say yes. he ask again are you sure. I say yes. he deletes and leaves.

HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS: ❓

Why say emotion? if you have no emotion why this constant struggle? Why did we blame it on work/life? why attempt to make this work. Why tell me about the gun? Why include me in things that his closes friends are included in? Is he depressed? Is he sucidial? Should i be there? Why the sad expressions when i stand up an confront the issue? Whys say im the closes person to understand him, why push me away? 😥

my feelings are hurt. I want answers. i cant get them. i feel used and abused. I fear for his safety. I also fear for my heart. I want to step forward and move on. Its hard ive never felt chemistry like this before.

Any suggestions? Relatedable stories?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. I think I can help you.

Your dynamic with your ex-boyfriend is not healthy, and as long as you stay engaged by trying to make things work either as friends or lovers, you’re going to continue to be upset because he will never give you what you ultimately want. He’s being very clear with you, but you don’t want to see the clarity. Instead of looking at every nuance of every behavior, just look at the broad strokes. [b]He’s not interested in a steady, constant, long term relationship with you. [/b] His actions couldn’t speak louder.

It’s understandable that you want things to be different, but don’t lie to yourself to try and pretend they could be — or worse, that they are.

Whether he’s depressed, suicidal, manipulative, or, as you first described him, simply “an ass”, you need to disengage and not worry or think about who he is, why he is that way, and how he treats you. What you do need to do is set up boundaries for yourself that don’t include him in your life because you will continue to ride the emotional roller coaster until you get off.

Your questions are all the wrong questions because they are all clearly about him. What you didn’t ask is why you keep going back to someone who doesn’t treat you well, over and over. The answer is that you don’t value yourself enough to stop wasting your time, your emotions and your company with someone who’s not Mr. Right by a long shot.

I hope this helps — please let me know how things go. I know it’s difficult to get over an ex, but that’s the only way you’re going to get off the roller coaster that’s making you sick.

[Member]

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