[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 5 years, we met when we were 17 and I was utterly crazy about him when we met. We used to never argue or fight and everyone seemed to be envy of the bond we had. But within the last year we can’t seem to go out on a night out together without me starting an argument and getting upset. About a year ago he went on holiday with some friends. When he was back home we went out for a meal and I noticed when he was texting a friend that he had sent a photo of him and a girl. So, to not go behind his back I took his phone off him and looked at the photo, he had also mentioned on the photo that she was fit. I got upset and we had a huge fight. He said that it was a innocent photo and I had nothing to worry about so we went back to his. Later that night I decided to look at his phone when he was in a different room and read more messages which he had sent to his friend about the girl. He said that he fancied her and she had a fit body. He had also sent pictures of her in a bikini. I immediately stormed out and we broke up. A few DAYS later we got back together. I was really upset but he convinced me that he was so sorry and he was just trying to look big to his mates. I am so in love with him and the thought of being without him hurt even more. He swore that he hadn’t cheated on me with her so I forgave him and we agreed to put it all behind us. However, since then we’ve never been the same. He really does try hard but I seem to be able to make an argument out of anything. Although I’m honestly no longer caught up about the girl from holiday and I do trust him, I have turned jealous of any girl he speaks to. When he have nights in together or weekends away together we are perfectly happy and all over each other. I love being with him and I don’t generally get upset or in a mood. However, whenever we seem to go out with people; friends or family, after a couple of drinks I tend to start an argument about something stupid, although at the time I feel like I have true reasons to be upset. The next day i just feel completely guilty and stupid which is making me quite depressed that I’m pushing my boyfriend further away and I actually want us to be closer. I have mentioned too many times that I really want us to move in together, we have friends who haven’t been together for as long as us who live together and sometimes I make myself feel that it’s because he doesn’t want to plan a future with us. He doesn’t like to plan anything more than a couple of months away and because right now we don’t have any money he wont even talk about the idea of us ever moving in together. He does give me a lot of affection and tells me he loves me all the day. He holds my hand whenever he’s with me. I’m annoyed at myself for always getting in moods. I really feel like I am pushing him away and I don’t mean to. He really is the best thing in my life. I love him and I know he loves me. How can I stop starting the arguments? it’s as if I’m trying to find things wrong!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve been together for five years since you were 17 and you have to understand that your life at 21 is very different than it was at 17, but your relationship hasn’t grown at the same rate as your chronological age has. You want more — you want to move in together and probably to start thinking about marrying and having children. Since you said that you both don’t have any money, I assume you’re not interested in a career, so you’re putting all your eggs in one basket: The Relationship. At 21, he’s not ready for a serious relationship and his flirtations with other women — even if he’s not cheating on you by dating them or sleeping with them — is a sign that he’s looking for relief from the pressure of the commitment he feels from you. On some level you know this, but you haven’t allowed this knowledge to rise to your consciousness, so you’re just feeling uncomfortable, confused and you’re acting out by picking fights.

The truth is that if you hadn’t been dating your boyfriend for the last year or so, and you met someone new today, you’d probably be looking for different facets in a man than your boyfriend has. You’d be aware that you want to get serious and live with a guy and even marry him, so you’d be looking for a man who wanted that, too. The truth is, your boyfriend wouldn’t make the cut if you’d just met him for the first time, now. He’d be charming and handsome and sexy — but when a woman wants a commitment she’s looking for someone who’s serious about a job, a career, and who wants a commitment — with her!

The truth is you’ve outgrown him and while you still love him, your frustration is a guide to what you REALLY want deep down. If you don’t process your feelings and realize them and accommodate them, you’re going to drive him away and it will be a mess, unpleasant and not very graceful.

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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