[supernova88]

Hi April,

I’m a senior staff member at a camp, and this summer I’m working with a slightly younger girl who I’ve come to like. We have a lot in common and get along great. She also clearly appreciates the way I look out for her and trusts me. I’m looking forward to spending time with her outside work, and I hope this lasts beyond summer while she continues college nearby and I start my first year teaching. I don’t want to abuse our friendship/relationship as is but I am debating asking her out, however there are two issues.

First, I probably shouldn’t ask her out until the end of summer; there’s no camp protocol against dating but it could cause problems having a secret relationship, or worse yet if things didn’t work out. Second, though, she has already been accepted to a marine bio program in Florida starting a year from now. I’m not one for long distance relationships – I got out of one about a year ago – and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be right for me to start dating someone who I know will be leaving one day, even if it’s far away. I also don’t think it’s right to force her to choose between me (assuming it were to work out between us) and this program she’s earned, especially as it could be challenging to find a different program nearby if she chose to stay for me. I want something long lasting and, given everything I’ve explained, I’m afraid I need to let this one go.

These are new feelings, and if the right thing for me and for her is to remain friends I’m okay with that, but I need to start distancing myself emotionally now, not weeks or months from now. Or should I take a risk and pursue her knowing the future isn’t written? She had told me the reason she is comfortable going away is because she has nothing tying her down here. I’d love to be that reason, but I’d feel terrible interfering with her goals. I’m torn, and could use some expert advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you?

[supernova88]

25

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve already answered your own question — that you’re looking for a long term relationship, and you’re not interested in anything long distance, so you’d be better off looking for someone else to date. And yet, you’re interested in taking a risk and seeing where things go. You’re wrestling your head and your heart. I appreciate your having an idea of what you want in life, as well as wanting to take some risks because you’re young. Overall, it sounds like you’ll be disappointed if you don’t date her this summer because you’ll always wonder if she would’ve been someone great for you, but you’re also concerned that if she is someone great for you, you’ll be facing a long-distance relationship, which you don’t want — or a break up at summer’s end. You haven’t figured in there that she may not be someone you want to continue seeing past the summer. In other words, once you start dating her, you may get to know her and realize she’s not the one for you, and that’s something that usually happens during the dating process. The risks involve having a summer where you may have to work with someone you’re breaking up with. Or dating someone you adore, and don’t want to leave at the end of the summer. The bottom line here is that life and love are full of risks, and I think that in this case you should consider taking one. Try not to jump the gun and plan out the fall while you’re still in the summer. The truth is that even if you have a great summer dating her, you may decide that at your ages, you can try (again) at long distance, or let things die down because of the distance. But why not get to know each other and see if there is anything there? There is risk, sure, but if you’re aware of what it is, you may be okay understanding that regret is also a risk. 😉

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