[clockwork89]

Greetings;
I met this guy during my exchange studies, and we were really good friends back then. I liked him, and i always thought he liked me too. Yet he had a girlfriend so neither i, nor him did any moves. Then we went back to our home countries and didn’t talk for a while, like 8 months.
Out of the blue last November we started talking again. He said he broke up with his girlfriend and was seeing some other girls, but had been unable to decide. He said he was too picky. We started talking like that long break never happened at all. Later, he told me that he liked me back then but he had another girl. And he would like to start a relationship with me. I was shocked, confused. Because since we were thousands of kilometers apart, I never thought anything could have happened between us anymore. He had to stay as a bitter sweet memory. Yet i still had feelings for him so i accepted. That’s how we started our long-distance relationship which is now 9 months old.
In the beginning it was like a dream. The first thing he opened his eyes he wrote me good morning. He was always interested in what i was doing, how i was etc. He told me about his day, his friends… basicly anything that was going on with his life. So did I. He even sent me a really nice Christmas present, asked all my friends about my home adress to surprise me, wierd is i had sent him a surprise present too, getting the home adress from his brother. We ocassionally skyped, and it was at least for a few hours each time. Each time, he was unable to keep his eyes off me, telling me compliments and all. Later on February I went to his country. I must admit it was one of the best weeks of my life. It was short but everything felt complete. He was still that guy i really liked, and i could say he really was into me.
Maybe i should mention something before coming to this… Before i went near him, he was still talking to his ex. They had been together for two years and he left her, because she was always too pessimistic. He said he was sure about ending all the relationship thing with her, because he didn’t want to be with such a person. (And i was quite the opposite… I smile all the time, not only to him though, generally. Everyone keeps saying so.) Yet, he didn’t want her to feel totally abandoned after such a long relationship. So he kept answering her. I was definitely ok with that, only i was angry a bit at her, because she was still being too pessimistic and making him unhappy as well from time to time.
Then i went near her. I don’t know how that ex found out, maybe she saw us together… But she somehow could find out about us, which he thought it might have been the best to keep it from her. Appearently she was so upset, deleted him from facebook, yet he says she’s still writing to him from time to time. I still don’t care. Because somehow i know he doesn’t want to be with her anymore.
Anyways, after that dreamy week i had to go back home, of course. And for a while it went on like as it was. I think for a month or so. Then he started to change. When he woke up, he started not writing anything to me for hours. Even didn’t answer when i wrote to him. His excuse was, he was too lazy to write. But that made me quite sad. Later on, it got worse and worse. He started to become too busy, too occupied. All the time he said he was working, but he was right there on facebook, liking things, commenting on stuff. When i wrote to him, there was no come back. I tried to understand. I still do. But most of the time i feel like i am pushing him to talk to me. If i don’t write, it seems like he will never do. But that’s not true. I tried not writing to him, he always did until now. Yet, some things are different. He compliments less and less each day. He hardly ever says “i love you”. Some evenings he definitely forgets about me, liking/commenting friend’s pictures seems to be more interesting than a “good night” to me.
The worst is, those comments he writes on girls are a bit too flirty, and he never writes anything flirty to me on facebook. To every other girl he does, just not to me.
I don’t understand what is going on.
Did he really like me or was i just a hook-up for him to get over his relationship? I can’t find an answer to this question. I have so many question marks in my head and when i bring them voice, he is always like “noo, we are fine, i am just busy, i can’t focus on work so that’s why i write that comments.” And I say ok, try not to think about it, still it is killing me inside.
What should I do? Am I the one who’s getting paranoid? Could he be telling the truth?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to answer your questions, but first, I want to try to give you some perspective on this relationship. 🙂

I don’t know how old you are, but you’re very invested in a relationship that is basically an online only relationship. You met this guy a year and a half ago, in person, then parted ways (and countries!). About eight months ago, the two of you started communicating via the internet, and you went to visit him in February, which is five months ago. Since then, you haven’t seen him and it doesn’t appear that you have plans to see him. You’re very invested in this guy — but it isn’t really clear that there’s a healthy future because of the distance, and the lack of frequency in which you see each other. Of course, this depends on what you want in a relationship. If you’re looking for a real long-distance relationship, then you have to be prepared to let a lot go — which means you have to be okay with his seeing other people because of his age, which I’m assuming is in his 20s, and yours. Long distance relationships are not for everyone! And they’re different than in person relationships. So consider whether or not this is something you really want, and if it is, if you’re willing to let things slide in order to maintain the connection. 😉

[quote]Did he really like me or was i just a hook-up for him to get over his relationship? [/quote]

He probably did really like you 🙂 but you have to understand that because of the distance and what I’m assuming is his age (in his 20s), it may have also been a hook up for him. Men have sex because you’re willing and they’re ready. You can tell if a guy really wants to be with you by the way he pursues you and the way he treats you. I’m sure he realized that this wasn’t going to be a relationship where he was going to see you often, and since you were there and you were willing, and he did like you, sex happened.

[quote]I can’t find an answer to this question. I have so many question marks in my head and when i bring them voice, he is always like “noo, we are fine, i am just busy, i can’t focus on work so that’s why i write that comments.” And I say ok, try not to think about it, still it is killing me inside. What should I do? Am I the one who’s getting paranoid? Could he be telling the truth?[/quote]

You’re expecting more from him than he is interested in giving you. For him, you two are fine. For you, because you have different expectations, you’re not. It sounds like you’re looking for monogamy, and when you are dating a man who is in his 20s, and lives in another country, and who you only see once in six months, you have to understand that he’s probably going to be dating other women, given the level of commitment the two of you have. I know you want more, but if you can be realistic about the situation, not just your own feelings, you may feel disappointed, but you’ll have a much better idea of what to expect and how to proceed.

I hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[clockwork89]

Dear April,
Thank you for your advices. I think they worth considering. I had never meant to be in a long distance relationship, to be honest. He really tried too much to get me to the mood. Even once I had told him “I can’t compete with any other girl who lives there. I don’t want to be in that kind of situation.” Still he was really eager to get me. And he did, eventually.
I realized that I have forgot to mention that he is coming to visit me on 5 August, for two weeks. Since he doesn’t have much job opportunities here, I have been making some job and masters applications at his country.
Another thing I have forgotten mentioning is our ages. I am 23, have just been graduated from university. He is 27, about to finish his master’s degree.

The thing I am afraid is not whether he is cheating on me or not. Because in a naive way maybe, i trust him. During that six months we lived in the same city, we became really good friends, shared some great memories together. And I knew that he was considering leaving his girlfriend even back then, yet he didn’t make any moves on me. So, i think he is trustworthy enough. He has always been kind and caring to me, he still is. Yet I am about to make something that is going to change my life completely. I am accepted to a master’s programme here in my own country, but i am seriously considering leaving it and moving to another country, near him, and maybe even start working on a job far beneath my training. I am ready to do that, though i can’t be sure if he is losing interest, so I don’t know whether i should take that risk, or just let it go.

When I talk about the job applications I make in his own country, he is being supportive. Telling me it would be nice to be in the same place, and how he misses me, etc. Yet his interest seems to have lowered since we started this thing. I don’t know if this is how relationship should go after a while, or I had been just a phase for him to get over his previous, bad relationship. If i were, then i will have thrown everything i have here away for nothing.

Does he worth giving a shot?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You asked me if it’s worth “giving it a shot”, and I think you’ve got to be a little more realistic about what that means. 😉 The way you can tell if he’s losing interest or not, is to see if he pursues you. If he does, he’s interested. If he doesn’t, he’s not. It’s pretty simple.

It’s nice that you’re having a second “date” next month when he comes to visit you, but I don’t think that you should uproot yourself and move to his country to pursue a relationship with him — given your questions. 😕 You have to let the guy do the chasing. When you take that opportunity away from him, you not only lose your ability to see how much he’s interested in you — which is what has already happened, but you keep him from doing what he wants to do — which is to chase a woman he wants to be with. 😉

So, my advice is not to move to his country and instead, give him a chance to chase you. If he doesn’t, then your answer to the question, “Is he losing interest?” is yes. If he does chase you then it’s no.

As for “giving it a shot” I think you should definitely date him if he wants to date, but you should also keep your options open so you’re not so invested in someone you’re not sure is that into you. 😉

I hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that you’re deeply invested emotionally in this relationship, but it’s still largely long-distance and intermittent. You spent some time together in person early on, and that created strong feelings, but for the last several months most of your connection has been online. That makes it tricky to gauge his true level of interest, because online interactions can feel intense yet don’t always reflect real-world commitment.

The changes you’ve noticed less texting, fewer compliments, flirty comments to other women are important signals. April’s insight is accurate: men often show how interested they really are through their behavior. If he’s not pursuing you as actively as before, it could mean his feelings are more casual now, or simply that he’s prioritizing other parts of his life, like work or friends. Either way, your emotional needs aren’t being fully met.

Your thoughts about uprooting your life for him show how strongly you feel, but also how risky it is. Moving countries, giving up a master’s program, and taking a job below your qualifications is a huge sacrifice especially when you’re not certain about his level of commitment. It’s natural to want to be near someone you care about, but you can’t fully control how invested he is or whether he’ll be consistent once you make that move.

His past behavior keeping contact with his ex, admitting he was dating other girls adds complexity. While he may genuinely like you, these patterns suggest he’s still exploring his options, which is normal at his age, especially in a long-distance situation. The key is whether he’s making you a priority, which currently seems inconsistent.

The healthiest approach is to let him do the chasing. Don’t move yet see how he acts when he comes to visit in August. Pay attention to whether he shows initiative, plans things with you, expresses affection, and demonstrates real commitment. That will tell you more about whether this relationship is viable before you make life-altering decisions.

Keep your options open and maintain your independence. Pursue your master’s program and career goals where you are, while dating him if you choose. If he truly wants to be with you, he will prove it through consistent effort. If he doesn’t, you protect yourself from investing too much in someone who may not meet your long-term needs. Your emotions are strong, but clarity comes from observing actions over words, and ensuring your choices support your life, not just your feelings.

[Tara]

This man’s consistency died the moment the chase ended. In the beginning, he paid attention to you because you were new and exciting, and because you fed his ego after a breakup. Now that real commitment and long-distance effort are required, he’s doing what men do when they’re halfway out the door, giving you crumbs while keeping the buffet open for everyone else. His “I’m busy” excuse is a joke. He’s not too busy to comment on other girls’ posts, flirt publicly, and magically find energy for anything that isn’t you. He’s only “lazy” when it comes to giving you the bare minimum. That’s not a communication issue; that’s a priority issue.

And stop pretending the ex doesn’t matter. A man who claims he’s done doesn’t keep emotional backchannels open with a woman he dated for two years while starting something new with you. He likes having multiple women want him. It props up his ego and gives him options. You weren’t a “bittersweet memory.” You were a rebound fantasy that felt good until the maintenance became work. Now he’s slowly detaching while keeping you calm enough not to walk away.

You’re not paranoid. You’re perceptive. You just don’t want to admit what your instincts already know: the man who once couldn’t take his eyes off you now barely remembers to say goodnight. That shift is not accidental. It’s him withdrawing without taking responsibility for ending things.

[Sally]

Long-distance already feels fragile, and when someone goes from warm to cold like that, it hits every insecure place you have. I’ve been in something similar, where the beginning felt magical and then suddenly I was the one reaching while he drifted.

Here’s the honest part: people don’t fade for no reason. Something in him has shifted, even if he won’t say it out loud. And the flirty comments to other girls while barely giving you a good night… yeah, that would bother anyone. You’re not imagining that.

But before you jump to conclusions, ask yourself how you feel when you look at the whole picture not just the good week you had with him, but the months after. Does this still feel like love, or more like you holding on to what it used to be?

You deserve someone who doesn’t forget you when life gets noisy.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve built a long-distance relationship with this man over nine months, and there’s a lot of history and deep connection there. You’ve been honest about your fears and doubts, and that shows emotional maturity. The fact that he pursued you actively, even across countries, says he genuinely cared at some point. Your visit in February seems to have cemented that feeling there was real chemistry and affection, and it gave you a taste of what being together in person could feel like. You’ve invested not only time and energy, but your heart, and that makes the stakes feel high.

However, it’s also clear that the dynamics have changed. The constant messaging, the compliments, the attention. you’ve been used to that intensity, and now it’s lessened. That’s normal in long-distance relationships; the initial thrill tends to fade, and life obligations, work, and responsibilities intervene. But the flirty comments he makes to other girls online are understandably hurtful, and they signal that his focus isn’t as centered on you as it once was. You’re right to notice this because it’s the behavior that reveals his true interest, not just his words of reassurance. Trusting him is important, but observing patterns over time is the best way to see if the relationship is sustainable and if he values you enough to prioritize you emotionally, even from afar.

Your instinct to consider moving to his country is a big, life-altering decision, and it’s tied to your desire for closeness and certainty. But April’s advice is spot on: you need to see if he’s willing to chase you and invest the same effort you’ve been giving. If you uproot your life now, you lose that clarity. you won’t know whether he would have put in the effort, because you’ve already done it for him. It’s essential to protect your autonomy, even when your heart is leading you toward risk.

Also, remember that long-distance relationships are incredibly challenging, even for couples who are completely compatible. Being physically separated, having limited contact, and managing real-life responsibilities while maintaining emotional intimacy requires balance, clear communication, and mutual investment. You have to honestly assess whether you’re ready for that and whether he is too. Right now, there’s ambiguity, and making a move based on uncertainty is risky.

Let him come to you, observe his actions, and continue building trust and connection during his upcoming visit. Date him, enjoy the time together, but don’t make life-altering sacrifices until you’re sure he’s fully invested. Keep your options open, safeguard your independence, and let his pursuit and effort be the proof of his commitment. That way, you’re making choices from a place of clarity rather than hope or fear.

[Member]

Posts