[Sydney3344]

Hi April,

I am in despair right now. I found out through a posting online that the man I have been seeing for a year is also seeing someone else. He posted an ad for a room rental in his house (he has had a couple of roommates this past year and I have seen the ad on previous occasions too). His current roommate is moving out so he has posted another one. I noticed it was strange last time (around January/February) he had posted the add that the contact number was different from the number that I had for him. I figured it was his work phone number and dismissed it. I went online last night to view his new ad that he had posted recently, and he had the name of a woman accompanying number. So, I did some searching online about her and it suddenly all started to make sense. I have been picking up on little signs that he was seeing someone else, but I always dismissed and made excuses for them. He had told me he couldn’t be in a relationship right now because he was in counseling for trauma experienced due to things that happened in his childhood. But we still continued to see each other and have sex. I thought that when he was ready, we would be together because that was what he had told me.

Last night when I saw the ad, I decided to find out for myself. He told me he would be busy last night and that he couldn’t see me. So I drove over to his house (like a creep, I know). I drove past it a few times and saw the woman whose name was in the ad (I recognized her picture from facebook). It all made sense. He met her after he met me so I can sort of pinpoint when things started to get strange. The signs I had noticed were:

– I was at his place once when we first met. After that, he never let me come over to his place. It was always him coming over to my place.
– He never wanted to go out to dinner or do anything in public with me after about a month or two of dating. We would get dinner and eat it at my place.
– When his car was in the shop, he always said he couldn’t see me until it was fixed. When I suggested that I can pick him up in MY car, he didn’t respond. If he really wanted to see me, I don’t see a problem with us using my car!!?
– This woman was always liking his pictures on his facebook and she is friends with all of his friends. She was also at social get-togethers he had at his house that I was never invited to.
– I have never met any of his friends or family in the past YEAR.
– There was a period where he would come over only during work hours to have sex and then promptly leave. I assume this is because he spent his evenings with her.
– A couple of times at my apartment, he went out to his car to have phone conversations.
– He is always distracted by his phone.
– When we first met he used to sleep at my place very frequently. It then stopped a couple of months after. He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t. Last weekend he did sleep here for the first time in about 9 months… I assume she was out of town.
– I called him a month ago for something and he didn’t answer. He then called me back. He was outside going to get the mail and then he said he was sitting out on his doorstep. I assume she was in the house and he couldn’t answer my call with her there, so he had to go outside.
– He told me the other day that he has a trip planned to a nearby out-of-town location (like a mini-vacation). He said his sister planned it. I am guessing he is going away with his girlfriend or whatever she is.

My question for you is… how do I move on from this? I am not 100% sure that she is his girlfriend, but I plan to find out very soon. When I do find out, I am going to confront him about it. Do you think I should tell her what has been going on? She is just as much a victim in this as I am and I think that she should know. I would want to know this information if I was in her position. He has lied to both of us. We have both been duped by this guy. I still can’t wrap my head around how someone I care so much about and who I thought cared about me could do this. I guess from his childhood trauma he is very messed up. I should have stayed away. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure how old you are….. please let me know if you do write back!

I’ll try to answer the questions you’ve asked, but basically, a guy told you he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, and you’re angry that he’s being true to his word. 😕 It sounds like you want me to tell you you’ve been wronged, but that isn’t what happened. If you want a committed relationship, then you should look for one, and when a guy tells you he can’t give you one — for whatever reason, believe him! And if he doesn’t let you come to the place where he lives, or take you out in public, you should take responsibility for knowing he’s not ready. 😉

[quote]My question for you is… how do I move on from this? [/quote]

Easy! Start dating other men, and don’t date him any more.

[quote]I am not 100% sure that she is his girlfriend, but I plan to find out very soon. When I do find out, I am going to confront him about it. Do you think I should tell her what has been going on? [/quote]

No! With all due respect — what he does with her is none of your business, so don’t create drama or try to get retribution. I also don’t think you should “confront” him. I think you already know what you need to know — that he’s not compatible for you because you want a committed, monogamous relationship, and he’s not that guy. There’s no reason to keep engaging with him. Take your new knowledge and use it for good! 🙂

[quote]She is just as much a victim in this as I am and I think that she should know. [/quote]

You’re not a victim. 😉

[quote]I would want to know this information if I was in her position. He has lied to both of us. [/quote]

It’s not your business who a single guy dates. 😉 You were a girlfriend, not a fiancé or a wife. You weren’t living with him. I think you’re taking this more seriously than you need to. I know you’re angry because he isn’t behaving the way you want him to, but getting retribution may backfire. The best thing for you to do is take care of yourself. 😉

[quote]We have both been duped by this guy. [/quote]

You were not duped. 😉 And you don’t know her so you shouldn’t assume anything about her.

[quote]I still can’t wrap my head around how someone I care so much about and who I thought cared about me could do this.[/quote]

What you should understand is that when a guy says he can’t be in a committed relationship, believe him! Don’t try to change him. If he tells you that when he’s ready to be with someone he’ll be with you — he means it. And don’t mistake the fact that dating is competitive. There are other women out there that any single guy — even someone you’re dating — may want to date, before committing.

[quote] I guess from his childhood trauma he is very messed up. I should have stayed away. What do you think I should do?[/quote]

I think you should focus on what you’ve learned, and you should move on. Today. You’ll feel less like a victim, and if you’re taking care of yourself, you’ll care less about your past, and more about your present and future. 😀

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