[Jordan1836]

Hey April, I’ve been reading a lot of these posts and I can’t find anything that fits to my certain situation. I’m 19, and my ex is 18. We are about 4 months apart. Anyway, we dated for about 9 months, and it may not seem that long, but it was my first serious relationship. Our first official date was in December, and we started dating in February. We broke up towards the end of October. Our first date we really clicked, and she had just been out of a long term relationship, so we took it slow. 2 months later it was official. She was the first girl I’ve ever loved. And she loved me too. The beginning of our relationship was great, young love.. You know how it is. We feel in love and towards the middle of our relationship she gave me her virginity. Something that meant a lot to her. I didn’t push it, it was something she wanted to do. We always talked about our future and we were excited to see how our life’s were planning out so well. Well towards the end of the relationship, we are both really stubborn and we started arguing a lot. They didn’t get bad, they were resolved, but unnecessary arguments to say the least. She did a lot for me, and I can admit I took advantage of the relationship, but not to an extreme level. We both did a lot for each other, and we were both there by each other’s side whenever something happened, she just always surprised me with gifts, and I never had enough money for anything, because for one, she lived 30 minutes away from me, and I have to commute to college 30 minutes the opposite way, I have a part time job, and a truck payments. Also getting 14mpg doesn’t help. So when school started for both of us, our time we spent together went from every other day, to once during the week, and once or twice during the weekend.

So one night she got upset with me because she needed help studying and she called me and I was already asleep and told her I was too tired, and I have to wake up in 5 hours for work. So she said that I should be more helpful, and that was the only time she ever asked for help. She wrote occasional essays for me, but I never put forth the effort to help her. So the next morning she said she doesn’t know if she can be in a relationship with me anymore, she’s tired of being unhappy, and she justs miss being happy again. And I told her if she feels like that, then she should do what is going to make her happy, it was right and so wrong at the same time. Because in the end I was the one that ended up hurt, depressed, and alone. So we ended things, pretty mutually. She was heart broken and so was I. A few days later I messaged her and asked if she wants to start things over, and get back with me, I apologized. I was pretty desperate at this point, because I’ve never been through anything like this.

So she definitely wasn’t having any of me, she said that she needed to do this, and that it would be better in the long run. She asked me to give her space, which I didn’t do. I constantly messaged her day to day, basically begging for her back. Obviously something I shouldn’t have done. I let me emotions control me. Well it got to the point where she was so fed up she said she is beyond annoyed at me, and will never get back in a relationship with me. At that point, I gave up. I went into deep depression, blaming myself. Hell, I still blame myself.

Two weeks of no contact with her whatsoever, recently she texted me, and said she was sorry for being such a bitch, but that was the only way she could separate herself from me. I said you have nothing to apologize for, and I apologized for the way I acted. So there’s that. We ended up having a casual conversation that day, which was about 4 days ago. So we talked, we followed and added each other back on social media (typical teen stuff). And while we were texting, she said she just wants to be friends. I say okay, and I agree. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I did. I asked her if friends could go out to eat. And she said it was a tough question, she ended up agreeing, but about an hour later changed her mind, and said that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She doesn’t want me to get my hopes up, and think we are going to get back together. Again, we talked a little more, and not forcing it on her whatsoever, she agreed again to go out with me, but we comprised on a different location. So yesterday, I checked in on her, asked how she’s doing, she asked the same, I told her have a good day, and she did the same. That was the end of that. Well today I asked her if she wanted to go ahead and go out to eat today on her lunch break.

She said “Honestly, I’m still just not really sure us going to eat is a good idea. I know you keep saying you’re not trying to get back together, but I feel like that’s why you’re wanting us to go eat.”
And I replied “I’m in this just as friends, I don’t expect anything to come out of going out to eat. Just to catch up. If we do, I’m not going to be weird about it, or act like I had my hopes up after we go out to eat.” She fell asleep on the text.

I obviously am still attracted to her, I don’t want her to know I have feelings for her still, and if we went out to eat, I would take it slow, and keep it as friends and pick back up very slowly, but it’s obvious she’s fighting it. She is the only girl that has ever understood me, and excepted me for who I am. She is way out of my league, and I got her, is beyond me. I’m so scared to lose her

My question to you is, how can I fix this. How can I get her back? I desperately want her. She is the only person I’ve ever felt like this about.
Sorry for such the long post. I just wanted to include every detail I had. Thanks in advance, Jordan.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the break up was about more than just that one night when you were too tired to help her study. I think she felt unappreciated over the course of time, and I don’t think you’ll disagree with that. The night of the fight was just the catalyst, not the entire reason for her breaking up with you. It’s important to understand why she broke up with you if you want to get her back. If she is interested in a reconciliation, it’s going to be because she really thinks that things will be different. What you’re doing is trying to get her back because you want her when you want her — but you aren’t showing her that you understand what happened from her point of view, and that you’re going to do things differently so she’s happy, this time around — that’s the way I think you might win her back.

Let’s look at the problem: You used to see her daily, and when school started, that frequency dropped to once a week and once or twice on weekends. Knowing your situation, it’s reasonable: You have a 30 minute commute to see her, and you go to college which is a 30 minute commute in the other direction. Your funds are limited so that things like mileage on your truck enter into your ability to see her because you can only afford to drive so many miles…. It sounds like you found a way to prioritize her in the beginning and now your priorities have shifted to your work, your job and your finances.[i] But from her point of view[/i], she felt that she was doing a lot of things for you, had committed her virginity to you, and expected more in return. This isn’t about one person being right and wrong. It’s about understanding where you’re both coming from and what your expectations are. Her giving you her virginity, in her mind, doesn’t have anything to do with the mileage on your truck, and the price of gas. You’re being practical. She’s being emotional. This is very male/female. If you can grasp this, you may have a better chance of getting her back.

My advice is to stay out of the friend zone that you’re desperately trying to use to see her, with the hope that you can leverage that into more. It won’t work. She needs to see [i]grand, romantic gestures[/i] (For instance, buy her a piece of jewelry for Christmas. Put a rose on her doorstep or car windshield with a love letter every day. Show up at her doorstep every day with a little gift. I’m sure you can use these ideas to come up with your own) and evidence that things are going to change. In other words, the tables have turned and you’re acting on emotions, while she’s now acting practically. If you are willing to walk that path and make her the priority she wants to be, then you should give it a try, but if you really don’t want to do that, then you should be honest with yourself that you can’t give her what she wants, and that although you both have strong feelings for each other, the compatibility that would make this work, isn’t there.

I hope this helps. 🙂

[Jordan1836]

I understand the thinking emotionally part, but wouldn’t buying you’re ex a gift after she told you she wants to be nothing more than friends, would many that be too much? I’m using the friend side to try and not push her away any further.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get her back, but she won’t talk to me over the phone, she won’t see me in person, and she doesn’t want to talk about anything in the past. She also said she would never date me again, and she just wants to be friends. So wouldn’t giving her gifts frustrate her?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that you’re in a tough position because she broke up with you because you weren’t giving her enough attention — and now you want her back. I definitely don’t think you should be in the friend zone — and I know you’re afraid of not seeing her, so you’re staying there in hopes of leveraging this into more, but it’s not a move I recommend. 😕 I think you have to either walk away and learn your lessons from this relationship for the next one — or make the grand gestures I suggested to try and win her back. There are risks with all of these situations — the gift may make her realize you want more and not just friendship and she may close all the doors to you. I know you don’t want that, but rejection is a gift because it prevents you from wasting time and sets you in the right direction. But just because the friend zone feels better than full on rejection — that’s because you haven’t been in it for very long. Eventually, you’re going to hear about her going on dates with other guys, and as a friend, you’re expected to be happy for her. Or eventually, she’s going to realize you’re not a true friend — you’re an ex who wants to date again — and she’ll realize that the “friendship” isn’t working and move on. In other words, the friend zone is delaying the inevitable, and is just going to prolong the effects of the break up that are painful. 😳

[Jordan1836]

I’m in a tough situation. I don’t want to give up, but I feel like rejection would hurt a lot worse than letting it go. I just blame myself so much, and I like to think of the what ifs. Like what if I would have done this, we would still be together, or what if I would of done this, she would be back with me by now. I guess I can try the flower and the note, but I don’t think that will work at this point.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand your feelings, and I’m sorry you’re hurt. 😥 This is your very first real relationship and it may not help to hear this (but it might, too!), but very few people end up with their first loves. What they do is learn and use what they learn in the next relationship. In this case, she wanted more attention than you were able to give her, and she didn’t have the relationship tools to be able to tell you that the relationship was ending because of this — before it ended. If she had more experience in relationships, she might have been able to let you know that this wasn’t working for her and why it wasn’t working — before breaking up with you to give the relationship a chance. On the other hand, it isn’t clear that you wanted to put in the energy that she was wanting, to make the relationship work, because you were spread thin with time, energy and money. It’s a shame that it’s come to these not great choices, but here you are. I think it would be worth it, if you are willing to make changes, to tell her that you are, and what they are — but if you’re not, then I think the best closure you can give each other is to tell her you love her and you’re sorry you weren’t able to make this work, and then move on.

If things don’t work out (because they still may), you should consider dating people who live closer to you to avoid this problem in future. Or you should date a woman who has the same temperament and togetherness needs that you do, so this gap in time together, won’t be a problem.

I hope that helps.

[Jordan1836]

So what would be the best way to go about letting her know I’m willing to change? A letter and gift waiting for her by her car?

The only problem with dating people that are near me, is I go to a community college 30 minutes away, and I live in a town of about 1000 people 😉 . But in a year I’m moving off to a university that is 30 minutes away from her but in the opposite direction; so nothing would really change other than I’m getting a place to myself. We were really close with each other’s families, and her mom talked to me about the whole situation and said she was rooting for us but knows her daughter is stubborn but to give it time.

But anyway, thank you for your quick reponses. This is helping and giving me a sense of relief. Because, before, I had no idea what was going to happen, and always lead myself to believe things would work out. I have two options and I know what they are now, and I know it’s a long shot but I’m willing to put forth the effort. If only she knew that. 🙄

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Before you tell her you’re willing to change, be sure you are. And be specific about what you want to change and why. It can be that you really want to call her every night because you want her to know that you’re thinking about her. Or that you’re going to give up — whatever it is — so that you can do whatever it is you want to be able to do for her. Ideally, if you’re generous and selfless, it will inspire her to be, too.

[Jordan1836]

So I did the letter, gave her flowers, and her favorite candy, and left it on her car for her to wake up to, and she texted me this morning saying:
“What you did last night was really sweet, and I appreciate the effort you put into it, but it’s happening too late. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to get that across to you. I just want a friendship, but if that’s too much to ask for, then I understand.”

I hate girls so much. She tells me to give her space and give her time. I give her a month and a half and I do something and it’s too late. It’s a lose/lose.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry things didn’t go your way — but I think you got clarity. And while that’s painful, it’s like ripping off the band aid. You have a very clear message from her now that she’s just not interested. This hurts your feelings, no doubt, but it’s also the direction you need to move your energy away from her and the relationship you had with her, and onto new prospects. When one door closes, you should turn away from it, and move on.

When she said she needed time and space, she was doing the best she could to extricate herself from the relationship with the least amount of drama, even if it wasn’t the most truthful way to do so. I don’t think she was being forthright with you about needing time and space, when what she really wanted was a break up. But it was the best she could do. That’s what you have to understand.

I’m very sorry you’re hurt — but I think that if you re-read this string of posts in a few days, or even a week or two, you’ll have a fresh perspective on what happened, why and whether or not you’d do things differently next time around (because there will be a next time with someone new). 😉

[Jordan1836]

So I thought I was done with this, but apparently I’m not. We talked for awhile after she said that, and I brought up something about starting fresh, because she said part of her doesn’t want to let go. So after that she sent me another message and she said:

“let’s be friends and take it from there. But strictly friends.”

Then she proceeded to ask me out to lunch Thursday.

What is your opinion on that? I’m really confused right now to be completely honest. 😕

I would love to go out to eat with her, because I haven’t seen her in so long, and I feel like she understands that Im really trying to put effort into this relationship, and a part of her wants to give me another chance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is your opportunity to tell her you care too much about her to be “strictly friends”. Tell her you want to date her and that after what the two of you have had together, a friendship isn’t possible. 😉 Let her know you’ll take her to dinner as “strictly a date”.

[Jordan1836]

I tried something along the lines of that and she said she she doesn’t want to get my hopes up, and she doesn’t want a relationship.

But I asked her why after one month of breaking up she would want to go out with me, and she didn’t really have an answer.

I feel like if we go out together “as friends”, things will slowly start picking back up. Because most people don’t go out to eat with their recently broken up ex’s. I feel like I’m pretty good at talking and can talk my way back into, and back my words up as well. We will see. It got moved to Friday because of stuff that came up.

And I may be having false hopes and just sparing myself the heartbreak by giving into us being friends, but I feel like after the first “date” on Friday, I will know for sure exactly what she wants and I can go from there.

Thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]This is your opportunity to tell her you care too much about her to be “strictly friends”. Tell her you want to date her and that after what the two of you have had together, a friendship isn’t possible. 😉 Let her know you’ll take her to dinner as “strictly a date”.[/quote]

But I understand that you want to try the friend zone. It’s very seductive because it allows you to maintain contact — even if it’s at the expense of dating.

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