[Pipi]

I have been with the same man now for 5 years we both have been married before and I have a child. He moved in with me about 3 years ago, into a house I own. He is a lot of fun (most of the time) and we have many similar interests so we have interesting talks, as long as they’re not about problems in our relationship. He feels under appreciated in our relationship and like he does not have a say in things (This has a lot to do with the fact that he moved into a house that I have been living in so he feels like it is “my” house not “our house.”) He also feels that I don’t support him enough when he tries to direct my 12 year old son and that he has no authority. I recognize that it is hard to move into a family that has established patterns and he sometimes feels left out. But I also wish he would do more to participate in the life of the household. He contributes 400 a month to our living expenses: unfortunately our expenses (mortage, utilities etc) are about 1,600 a month (we both make the same income). The 400 dollars a month he contributes irritates him as he doesn’t think he should have to “pay rent.” He also expects me to cook all the meals, agrees to help, but never does. He wants to direct my son (correct him when he is mouthy or does not follow directions) but he never engages in with him…rarely plays with him, never takes him anywhere and certainly never hugs him. This week was the final straw when he again stated that I don’t appreciate him and he said” I already do way too much for you” When I asked him what I did for him, he looked at me blankly and couldn’t come up with a single thing. We also have no sex life (sex 3 times a year counts as no sex life in my book) but gets angry when I ask him how to work with this problem (he has a very low libido due to age) he simply says if I appreciated him more it would eventually happen. I think the last line “I already do to much for you.” Really hit me hard. Is that something you say to someone you love? I just can’t imagine that.

[AskApril Masini]

Boy! Not having a satisfying sex life, feeling taken advantage of financially, bristling that he’s not co-parenting your son the way you’d like, and having him complaining about feeling under appreciated, all sound like a recipe for unhappiness for both of you! I get it. 🙁

First of all, see if you can let that comment he made, go — for now. We all say stupid things in the moment, and I think you should give him a chance to apologize and take it back when things are better between the two of you. It sounds like the two of you are in a bad place and have been for a long time — and he’s lashing out. It’s really a cry for help. So for the sake of the relationship, just temporarily, let it slide. You’ve had the same sex life for three years, the same financial situation for three years, and the same parenting dynamics for three years — and both of you sound really unhappy. He may be lashing out because he doesn’t know how to fix things, and he wants your help, but can’t ask for it.

Let’s talk about sex, first because if you have a healthy sex life, you’ll feel better about the relationship and other things may be less of an issue. Approach it in a way that he doesn’t feel defensive. Believe me — he probably feels terrible and inadequate that he isn’t satisfying you and that he doesn’t have the sex drive he once did. You can ask him if he’d get a physical and talk to his physician about the issue that the two of you are having. Be careful not to make this his problem — ask him to talk to the doctor about the marriage. I don’t know how old your boyfriend is, but there may be some very common medications he can take, if he’s healthy to make him feel better, and if he’s not healthy, there may be things his physician can suggest to make him feel better and more sexual. Then, you have to get back on track, romantically. You have to have date night, time away from your child, together, and find ways to bring back the romance and reconnect. This will take an effort, but if you decide the relationship is the worth the effort, this is a place to invest energy.

In terms of money, it sounds like you’ve been okay “enough” with this financial situation to not make any changes, until now –but people do change and you can tell him that you really understand how he feels this isn’t his house and therefore doesn’t want to contribute (even though you disagree), however, you feel taken advantage of and you want to try and take care of both your needs, so maybe there’s a middle ground. For instance, maybe he buys a place that the two of you live in for the next three years (you can rent out your home as income property), and it’ll be your turn to pay the $400 a month rent. You can figure out what might work for the two of you that’s different than what you’re doing.

As for your son, talk to your boyfriend and come to an agreement about who does what parenting, what the deal breakers are, etc. If you’re a united front, even if you don’t agree with each other, you’ll have less fighting between you.

That’s how you address the three issues. However, if you don’t want to, and you’re looking for a way out of the relationship, then you have to be clear that you’re ready to ask him to leave, and then do so.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[Pipi]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond so thoroughly.

I do have another question about how to talk to him about the lack of sex in our relationship. Once in the past he did say his libido has shifted dramatically and that he has a difficult time maintaining an erection which I certainly I know is is the case and can understand and I know that there are things that can be done about this. But mention a doctor? No way. I can not bring up a doctor’s visit as he will NOT go to a doctor (he is 54 and probably should have a prostrate exam, etc….but gets very hostile when I suggest going to a doctor about anything…let alone sex.) He would definitely see this as an indication that I blame him for our lack of a sex life. He says its simply because I have a different view about sex than he does. And that once he went 2 years without it (of course this was when he was not in a relationship). When we first met, 6 years ago, the sexual aspect of our relationship was fine. It saddens me that he does not feel there is a problem, or that the problem is simply that I have different needs that he does and that there is, in essence, no need to meet them.

[AskApril Masini]

I understand what you’re saying, and that’s why I suggested not mentioning things that will make him feel defensive. If he won’t go to the doctor, that’s his choice. However, there are still things you can do to make the relationship better, and by doing these things, you may find that the result is he’s more interested in going to the doctor and taking care of himself as a result. 😉 Try this:

[quote]Then, you have to get back on track, romantically. You have to have date night, time away from your child, together, and find ways to bring back the romance and reconnect. This will take an effort, but if you decide the relationship is the worth the effort, this is a place to invest energy. [/quote]

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