[BrokenDownMan]

My wife of 9 years cheated on me with someone else. It is a kid she met at a bar (24 years old, warehouse worker, lives at home with parents). She decided she wanted to be with him so I moved out. She did not want a divorce. They have been together now for about a month. My wife and I have 2 kids. A 13 year old from a previous relationship and a 5 year old we share together. I mentioned age earlier because my wife is 33 and I am 32. I absolutely love and adore my wife. Even after she cheated. I’m going to counseling, reading self help books, and browsing internet forums trying to better myself and understand what went wrong between us. In the mean time my wife and I were still having sex (even after she made it official boyfriend/girlfriend with this kid). Up until about 2 days ago things were on the up and up. I woke up brought her breakfast, fed the kids, watched tv in (our) bed with her all day long. We made love. She went to work and 4 hours later I followed. (We work at the same place just different shifts). While at work we sat together, stared lovingly into eachothers eyes… I bought her sushi. Things were looking awesome! After work she went to meet her bar boyfriend. they got to (our) apartment around 3am. Dont know what they did… dont want to know what they did.. but while they were there his car was vandalized. She blames me. No matter what I say.. She blames me. After that incident she hasnt texted or called me at all. She hasnt let me see my kids at all. She said she wanted to cut all ties. She even called off of work. I STILL love my wife. I want her back. Even after knowing she’s had sex with another person. I still want her back.. Is there hope?

[AskApril Masini]

She may come around, but in the meantime, you have to change your behavior. What you’re doing isn’t good for anyone, and I’m sure you’re kids are very confused. Since you’ve moved out, and are living as if you’re separated, and your wife has a boyfriend, you should file for divorce. You can tell your wife that you don’t want a divorce and you love her and want to make the marriage work, but if she’s got a boyfriend, and is bringing the boyfriend home so the kids know, it’s going to be less confusing for everyone if you get divorced. You need to see your kids, and if you’re not, you need the court’s help to have a custody schedule.

It’s going to be a balancing act for you to try and show love while being strong and doing what’s right for your family — because you’re still a family whether or not you’re married — but that’s what you have to do for yourself, your kids, your marriage and your wife. This family chaos isn’t going to help you — but imposing some structure in your lives will. You have to convey to your wife that you want her and you want the marriage, but if she’s not willing, then divorce is the default position and it’s not about not loving her — it’s about living honestly.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[BrokenDownMan]

I appreciate the response. It is a very good response and knowledgeable. Today we met at a park. She was bawling. Crying to me, asking me why I had been so mean. We spent pretty much all day together.. started off terrible. Ended pretty well. She told me her and her new bf havnt really been connecting like they did before. He’s kind of pushing her away and she’s not going to chase after him so she’s backing off. I’m sure its not over between them but this may be the beginning of the end (of coarse thats what I hope). I asked her, “In a perfect world, how would you see your life right now”. She told me that in her perfect world we would still be married and living together. She told me she loves me. I asked her what about her boyfriend. She said that she would still be friends with him (in a perfect world). I know my wife still loves me. I can see it.. I can feel it.. and she tells me. I know we just need some time apart. I mean we spent almost a decade together seeing each other every single day. She said regardless of her relationship status or my relationship status she wants to have a good relationship with me (whatever that means). I’m in quite the pickle…. I absolutely want to remain faithful to my wife (although she is sleeping with someone else) but there are 2 girls that are kind of perusing me. Both very pretty girls… Both very nice girls… I dont want to send them the wrong message or lead them on… But… I also dont want to let opportunities pass me by especially since my wife has a boyfriend. Wondering what I should do. I dont see any harm in dating. I’ve already told one of them I dont want them to be a rebound. I’d like to take things really slow. Hang out.. try to see what its like being single again. I’m kind of all over the place right now. For me its really a waiting game…… how long will she be in this relationship before I figure I have to try to move on. Me dating can do 1 of 2 things…. Either speed up her process in ending things with this other person and come back to me… or… piss her off and push her away into his arms… I’m really confused on a lot of things. I want my wife back.

[BrokenDownMan]

Occured this morning:
02:27am Her: Hi
02:32am Me: Hey there, You okay?
02:35am Her: Probably not
02:36am Me: Whats going on?
02:39am Her: Or (not) your prob any more anymore. Good night. (I am not sure if she has been drinking or not)
02:40am Me: (Sad face) I’m here for you (Her name)…
02:41am Her: I known (know)
02:42am Me: I’m here if you want to talk. We help each other get through whatever we are going (through). You are still my wife and my life. I’m going to care about you always. I don’t want you to be sad.
02:44am Her: Prolly (probably) not the best time.
02:44am Me: Why Not?
02:45am Me: Doesn’t matter what it is about. Doesn’t matter what time it is. I’m here…
02:45am Her: (Blank message)
02:46am Me: (EAR EMOJI)
02:48AM Me: I’m here…
02:51am Her: I know and I’m such a fu*k*n wreck
02:52am Me: You are going to be okay. Everything will settle down. A lot has happened lately. It’s just going to take a little time for things to get back to normal.
02:53am Her: Thank you
02:54am Me: You are such a great person. Good things happen to good people. You’ve got a great support system. You know you’ve got me no matter what. You aren’t a wreck… Just going through some temporary tough times. Things will get better. I promise

Thats it.. Thinking maybe she knocked out. I hope its a conversation she remembers having in the morning. Usually after nights like this she’ll invite me over. I dont know if I should give her some space. The old me would have left work at the drop of a dime when she said she was a wreck. I dont want to be that crazy person anymore. I want to give her the space she needs. I want her to heal so she’ll eventually come back to me.

[AskApril Masini]

I think you need to create some stability for your children, so get divorced, and THEN start dating. Right now, if you start dating other women, you’re going to confuse your kids more than they already are, possibly inflame your wife, and give these women you’re dating the impression that they’re not dating a married man. Basically, you’ll be making a mess a bigger mess. Get divorced. Then start dating. 😉

[Member]

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