[TiredinToronto]

Is our relationship fixable. The quantity of deception is unknown as it has happened to many times to keep track of. The details of each issue are blurred due to in-consist reoccurring dishonest explanations of understanding. I’ve been lied to many times about different topics big and small from money to past relationships and experiences. I’m surrounded by negativity, harsh tones and a cold touch. For me confusion lies in what direction to move forward, especially while contemplating what would be best for the children. I promised myself when I was younger that I would show my children how to treat people properly, especially a spouse; through loving words and actions…now I find myself breaking that promise. She is a great mother; the best hands down and at times can be a nice, fun, enjoyable person. However, I didn’t get to marry the person I fell in love with because that person never existed; it was only a fictional character comprised from deceit that stoled my heart. How do I move forward, can I relearn how to love, is it possible or even sane to try to do so with someone who is unwilling to put forth their best efforts for me? I admit I am a fragile shell of the person I once used to be and I’m not sure how much more I can take or how much I have left to give. Life has taught me that giving up or ending something is easy but doesn’t solve problems or provide resolution, rather working to overcome and create something positive out of a negative is worth it… However, this time I’m just unsure if that’s true…is this fixable and how?

[AskApril Masini]

Your marriage is fixable if you’re willing to do the work. You sound kind of resigned and sad, but if you do want make some changes, I can help guide you.

First, understand since you’re 37, your wife is 39 and you’ve been married for 15 years and have two children, ages 8 and 10, you all have a lot invested in your family. Second, this problem didn’t happen overnight. So it’s not going to get solved overnight. And third, it’s not one person’s fault. Your challenge (and opportunity) is to figure out your part in this dynamic and change it. So if she’s not telling the truth about things, chances are there’s a reason — she doesn’t want to disappoint you, or she doesn’t want give up something, or maybe she doesn’t want to come to grips with the reality of your relationship. Since you didn’t mention specifics, I can give you the broad strokes — talk to her about what the lies are and why you really the truth — because it promotes intimacy. You mentioned that she’s negative and has “a cold touch” — but you also say that she’s a loving and wonderful mother. Chances are she’s negative and cold because she’s disappointed and unhappy. You both are — so do your part to get the relationship out of the rut it’s in. Take her out, buy her flowers and gifts and try to seduce here again! This is a lot more difficult than it sounds, because you’ve been in a relationship rut for so long, but you have to be patient, take small steps and stay focused on your goal.

I hope that helps.

[Sally]

What breaks people isn’t one lie. It’s the pile of them. The constant second-guessing, the coldness, the feeling that you’re living next to someone instead of with them. That wears you down until you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

Here’s the hard truth: a relationship is only fixable if both people are willing to be honest and actually try. You can’t rebuild trust alone. And you can’t relearn how to love someone who won’t meet you halfway.

Staying “for the kids” only works if the home still feels loving. Kids learn from what they see, not what we hope.
You’re not weak for questioning this. You’re human. And sometimes the bravest thing isn’t fixing what’s broken it’s admitting it broke you too.

[Tara]

This relationship is not fixable because it is not built on reality; it is built on repeated deception, emotional erosion, and your slow collapse. You didn’t “lose” the person you married; that person never existed. You said it yourself. You fell in love with a manufactured version designed to secure you, and once secured, the truth replaced the mask. You cannot rebuild trust when the lies are chronic, shifting, and unresolved. Unknown quantities of deception destroy intimacy permanently. You’re not confused, you’re exhausted, grieving, and still hoping endurance will somehow turn betrayal into character.

Staying “for the children” is the lie you are now telling yourself. Children do not benefit from watching their father become hollow, cold, resentful, and emotionally absent. You are already breaking the promise you made to model love and respect, not because you’re weak, but because this environment is corrosive. A household filled with negativity, harshness, and emotional distance teaches children that this is what marriage looks like. That damage is quiet, but permanent.

You ask if you can relearn how to love someone unwilling to give you honesty, warmth, or effort. No. That is not noble, it’s self-erasure. Love cannot be willed into existence through suffering. Effort only matters when it is mutual. One person carrying the emotional weight of a marriage is not perseverance; it’s martyrdom. And martyrdom doesn’t heal families; it breeds resentment and emotional withdrawal.

Your belief that “ending things is easy” is wrong. Ending something like this is brutal, terrifying, and costly, which is why you’re still here. However, continuing will cost you more: your self-respect, your emotional well-being, and ultimately, your ability to be the father you aspire to be. You are already a fragile shell because you have been living in a psychological war zone disguised as a marriage.

[Member]

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