[TPA321]

I am 30 years old and have 2 kids. I met my fiancé, Walt when I was still married to my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I had one of those in it for the kid’s marriages and had been together 9 years before I ever met Walt. Walt and I ex-husband were childhood friends and lost touch in high school. They recently reconnected and Walt came to the house for dinner. Walt and I fell in love and needless to say went through hell to be together. Almost 3 years later we are engaged and have set a wedding date in October-2010. We own a home, a business, and my kids adore him. My ex-husband recently got engaged as well and everyone is happy and doing well.

[color=#00BF80]Here is my issue- Walt’s past that will not go away![/color] Walt was in a relationship with his high school sweetheart Allison for 4 years. Allison cheated on Walt because having him away at college was too hard. Walt says Allison never got over him leaving their small town to go to school in Boston. When they broke up, Walt left Boston to go to school in New Orleans.
In New Orleans, Walt fell in love again with Mary and was together 3 years. Mary went to school abroad and when she came back to New Orleans things were not the same. Mary died a few months later.
7 years go by and Walt has not dated or had sex with anyone. He put him self into debt, suffered a horrible poker loss, and failed to do much with his life. Walt says he was in a depression during this time. He often talks about lost love or a broken heart. He has sadness about him. He has been on antidepressants for 6 months.
Walt said meeting me made him want to change his life. He went bankrupt and faced so many demons he was struggling with. He works hard everyday and eventually our business will turn a profit.
He still drinks way too much. We are broke and my income is the only income.
Walt used to talk about he ex-girlfriends ALOT at the beginning of our relationship. Details I did not want to know, like how he had a sexual trick for Alice. At the time I did not know they were so far in the past! He said at the time he was trying to make himself look normal to me.

Prior to moving in together and me selling my house, Walt requested I sell any furniture I owned w/ ex-husband, change my email address, cut off all communication w/my ex-husband (no trying to be friends). Basically get rid of everything we had together. I understood where Walt was coming from and did it. When we moved in together to our new home… in his old small town that he went to high school in. I found a bunch of old photos of him with his ex girlfriends. Not prom pictures, pictures of them kissing or candid shots. I got upset when I found them but Walt said he did not know he had them. I gave him the benefit of the doubt even though they were in a box with his winter hats/gloves. I asked him to get rid of them but he didn’t… a year later I made him through them away. It drove me nuts he would hold onto them.
In July 2009 I went to FL and he googled Alice and Mary and a few old friends. He erased it but Google saves your search history. I confronted him but he said it was curiosity and nothing more. I am making it a bigger issue than it really was. If it was no big deal… Why did he try to hide it?
In December 2009 I was looking through an old search history from an email of his. It revealed he has been googling Alice and Mary and their families almost once a week for years. Even while we were together, but not as often in the history. Walt said he wanted to find something negative about them to make him feel better. Depression can make you do strange things and wanted them to be miserable like him.
I simply cannot understand this!!!
I needed more information and pressed Walt for details about his relationships, has he let them go, and I am his first choice. The whole thing drives me nuts for some reason and he defends his actions and does not understand that I find it hurtful. Walt says that things he has done in his past should not affect our relationship. He says I am his life and he wants only me. I signed up for Facebook and Walt said I was strange. I found out later he had an account under John Smith with an old email address. He said he forget he signed up.
I wonder what else there is I don’t know….
Walt’s birthday was on the 20th and his Dad gave Walt, Walt’s mustang he owned in high school. I asked Walt what is the story behind the Mustang and he got very defensive, asked “Is this going to be one of your strange conversations about Alice?” I was offended, my question was why did his Dad own it and take it away. It is almost 16 years old!!
I asked Walt for time alone and he did not sleep at home last night nor will he tonight. I think this is all strange. I am most upset that he is so defensive about his behavior and turns it into a pointing match to rationalize his behavior. I need him to understand that it hurts. I have hurt Walt’s feeling lots of times without trying and I am sorry for any pain I caused. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong and it is my issue.

So my question… Is it my issue? Is he still holding onto the past? Does anyone else wonder if he could still be in love with them? Am I living in someone else’s shadow? Can I ever get over these thoughts? Why are we even having these issues??? I haven’t talked to anyone about it because I think it would be strange if any of my friends told me their fiancée/boyfriend/husband had this history. Thank you in advance for any feedback.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Blending families and remarrying with children is complicated, so nothing you’ve brought up here is a shocker. That said, EVERYONE comes with baggage — and your trick is to find a man with matching luggage.

What you have told me leads me to believe you need to put your engagement on hold. There are a couple of flashing yellow lights:

1. It is wrong for you to cut off communication with your ex-husband because he is the father of your two young children. If Walt can’t accept your children’s father as part of his new family with you, then your children are going to suffer. 🙁 Your ex-husband is part of your children, and if their future stepfather rejects their father, he’s rejecting them. The results will cause your kids to suffer. So, YOU need to be the one to understand this, advocate for your children and include your children’s father in your life so that the children don’t become alienated from their dad just because their future step-dad is threatened. Walt is the grown up and he is the one who has to get over this problem. You need to do significant but do-able damage control on this one.

2. You wrote, “He drinks way too much.” Enough said. You’ve got children to protect. Do not bring a stepfather into their lives if he has alcohol issues. End of story. That he suffered “a horrible poker loss” is another flashing red light that tells me he may have addiction issues with alcohol and gambling. This is not the profile of a good husband or stepfather. 😕

3. He’s broke and yours is the only income. Flashing red light. You need to wait until he is employed to be married. In fact, you should not be living with him until he is financially stable. Again, this is not the profile of a good husband or stepfather. We all suffer financial set backs, and job loss is common today — but this is not how you start a marriage. Especially given the other points above.

Based on those three reasons alone, I suggest you have him move out of your house and when he gets his life together, you can reunite. This is not Mr. Right. This is Mr. Right Now and more likely, Mr. Wrong.

As for your worries about his hooking up with past loves and living in the past — when a person is depressed, looking at their present and their future is too overwhelming and they have a tendency to live in the past so they don’t have to face reality. Your fiance is doing this with his ex-girlfriends. Taking anti-depressants is a tool, but not a cure. If he feels better, but doesn’t change his behavior, your problems remain, as do his. Pills can change the way a person feels, but he has work to do that pills alone can’t cure.

You should really get out of this relationship for the sake of your kids. I know that this will be hard work, but your kids deserve you to be healthy and happy and to be with someone who is healthy and happy. Walt is not that guy.

[TPA321]

Thank you. I definitly hear what you are saying. There are lots of issues here. We own the house together and have lived there a year and a half now. My kids are doing great in school and have adjusted beautfully to the divorce. It the beginning it was very difficult and I’ve had them in counseling for 2 years. Walt & I do have a civil relationship with their father. The kids see their Dad twice a week and every other weekend.
My income is the only income currenly… but we opened a new business 6 months ago. New business rarely turn a profit 1st year. Walt runs the company and currently works there 7 days a week. With his past financial trouble I did not want to take on any loans for the opening.
Walt has not gambled for over a year and knows I will not tolerate it. He is working on the drinking and recently made huge changes to his diet and lost 20lbs.

Walt is a great person inside and is working on his issues. To me these are changes he had to make a massive effort to move forward. I’ve felt before that I should cut my losses and move on but I honestly love him dearly. He has always been open and honest with those issues.

His past girlfriends troubles me because I don’t know how to get over it myself. It does not make sense to me why he would look them up like that. Am I his second choice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question in this last post is loaded — “Are you his second choice?” Well, the answer is clearly yes. He dated the other two women before you. He loved them both, and those relationships ended. I trust you’ve had other relationships in your past as well. Since one of the women has since passed away, he can’t be with her, and it seems like he is with you, not the other woman, so clearly he is with you now. Today, you are his first choice. Years ago, you weren’t.

It’s always tough to try and incorporate a partner’s past loves into your current relationship with them, but the best thing you can do to find your own peace of mind is to keep the channels of communication open and keep talking to him about your concerns, your fears and your hopes for the two of you.

I know you’ve tried to make me believe that Walt is doing much better and is worthy of your relationship, but again, my concern is that his focus on the past is not about these women, but about his avoidance of current issues in his own life. You sound like a caretaker, and someone who may put love above her best interests. Love is a fabulous emotion, but it’s not enough to make a relationship work in the long term. It’s great to have an open heart, but that other organ, the brain, is what you need to use to decide who is appropriate and productive for you in your life.

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