[Anonymous]

Hello
My bf and I have been together for 9 months. Recently, I invited him to my annual family gathering in my uncle’s house. He declined. One day, we were on the streets when we met his brother and sister-in-law. His brother told him to ask me over for a family gathering in his house. So my bf asked and I accepted. And it so happens that I would be going for my cousin’s wedding the day after, so I asked again if he would like to join me in my cousin’s wedding. He said no, stating that he doesn’t think it is appropriate as he does not know my cousin and wedding dinner is too formal for him. I don’t quite understand why he is refusing to meet my family. My cousins’ bf/gfs could come happily with them to wedding dinners and family gatherings. Why not mine? I am trying to open my door to let him into my life, but I feel that he is restraining. I find this abit disrespectful to my family.
What do you think is ticking in his mind? Am I pushing him too hard?

[Ask April Masini]

When a man is serious about his girlfriend, he is proud to introduce her to his family and friends and is eager to be introduced to and accepted by hers. It’s a sure sign he’s into you.

Your boyfriend is giving you the signal that he’s not that interested in you as far as a serious, long term relationship goes. You can’t force him to be more interested, or to visit your family. What you should do is pay serious attention to his behavior and decide if he’s someone you want to continue to date or if you’d rather find a man who not only loves you, but wants a genuine future with you.

[Anonymous]

thanks april for the reply. it sets me thinking again.

we talked yesterday… and he was like,”if you want me to go and meet your relatives, I’ll go”. I was like “If you want to come, you can come”. In the end, he chose not to go to my gathering. He said he would rather have a more informal gathering with my family, and that he will always be ready when I want him to meet my family. Perhaps he’s too shy this time?

[Ask April Masini]

Why would you react the way you did?? 😕 If he says, “If you want me to go and meet your relatives, I’ll go,” then why ON EARTH would you antagonize him by saying, “If you want to come, you can come.” ??? 😳 Are you crazy? He was giving you the best that he could and you went and shot him down! 😮 Of course you’re not getting what you say you want from him — you’re not helping the problem.

If you really want him to go and want to make peace in your relationship than you should have said something to the effect of, “Great! I’m so happy you’re coming, let’s all have dinner Thursday.” Or something positive and rewarding. It’s no wonder you’re having problems. You’re adding fuel to the fire!

Get a grip!

Change your attitude and behavior and focus on what you want — if in fact it is this relationship.

[Anonymous]

oh april. I didn’t know that I was antagonising him by doing so! I was thinking that he should be comfortable to come and meet my parents, instead of feeling obliged to do so. That’s why I said ‘if you want to come, then come’. I wanted him to have an open option and not close the option for him. I didn’t know that I was adding fire to fuel… oh nooo….

[Ask April Masini]

Your mistake was in thinking he SHOULD be comfortable meeting your family. 😯 From everything you’ve written me, [i]clearly[/i] he isn’t comfortable meeting your family. [i]Clearly[/i] he doesn’t want to. In fact your own title to this post is that your boyfriend [b]declined[/b] to meet your family [b][i]again[/i][/b]. How could you not know he didn’t[i] want[/i] to meet them??

Start empathizing with him a little more, and you’ll get a lot more success in your relationship. If you want him to meet your family, and you know he doesn’t want to, then make any meeting opportunity sugar coated. Stop living on principle about what he should and shouldn’t do, and start living in the real world, where he doesn’t want to meet them, and you want him to. Make it easy for him to meet them, and when an opportunity comes up, make sure you nurture it.

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