[rruler]

Hello. This is my first post here, and one of the few times Ive ever tried something like this! But i really need some advice and I dont know who to ask anymore.

—-SORRY IF ITS A LITTLE LONG! I GUESS A QUICK SKIM WOULD WORK, BUT I CHOSE TO GO IN DEPTH, IF YOU CAN SPARE THE TIME, I WOULD BE VERY THANKFUL I NEED HELP————–

Ive been dating this girl for 4 months. I know its relatively early, and we are quite young, but we really really love each other. Initially, I fell for her because we just “got” each other SO much. We would have 5 hour conversations online and via phone nonstop, we had the same sense of humor, same thoughts, so many similarities. It was amazing. I remember running home after school to be there when she got online. So we started dating.

First problem. She had just gotten out of a really REALLY serious relationship. We were hooking up mostly and not yet in a relationship. Her ex started half stalking/emailing me at the time, telling me she still told him i love you. Eventually she told me she was ready and we started dating. Her ex wasnt out yet though, and i asked her if she was sure she didnt still love him. She told me she was certain, and that she wasnt leading me on, she didnt love him. I send him the snippet from the conversation to have him back off. He was convinced she loved him. Eventually i dont hear from him again. A few weeks later, upon sharing passwords, i stumble on an email between them where he shows her what i sent him. To that she replied something along the lines of “i only said that because I was angry.” Which basically meant she lied, and still loved him. I asked her. Showed her. she told me it was because she felt bad and didnt want to hurt him.

As things move along, he is fully removed from the picture, she finally stops talking to him after I make a really big deal out of it, although not very happy. Hes gone, we can move on.

Second problem. She starts acting like she doesnt care much. She lives far away from me, and so we dont see each other often. I was working one day and she happened to be right next to my restaurant after a night with friends celebrating something. So i ask her, why dont you stop by since i cant see you for a week? A quick hi, nothing more than a few minutes. She tells me shes tired and cant be bothered. This hurt. Especially since I was leaving for College in 2 months at the time, and wished to spend the most time i could with her. Thats when I made a really big deal and told her I was going to end it. Not only had she lied and kept leading her ex on, but she could never bother to see me when it wasnt a set date, it happened before. I was constantly going out of my way, not only paying for everything with her starting to basically request I pay, but also it started feeling that unless i DID go out of my way, nothing would happen otherwise.

To that, she changed. And to her credit, I noticed it although i didnt really let her know as much as i should have. She started putting in effort, paying for herself, and overall, acting like an ACTUAL girlfriend. but the intial spark, or thing that let us talk so much about nothing or understand each other fully left. Our conversations became somewhat dull, or at least, on the nowhere path.

By now we got to the i love you’s. And we meant it. Sexually, it had only happened once due to her choice, and It was relatively okay by me to wait. What wasnt okay for me, was the fact that she refuses to make out with me.
For me, a guy, making out with my girlfriend is expressing passion and desire to be with her. The lips, the long moments, the scent and closeness of each other. To her, its something you only do with hookups—and would rather just hold my hand or peck me. This especially in public. I felt like a nun in public. To the point my own friends were making fun of me. I know. Respect her feelings. But heres the catch. These *very* deep feelings she cant seem to move aside, even in my room, WERE moven aside for her ex, and a guy she made out with–not somewhere private, but in the middle of a CLUB. this means in front of EVERYONE. so essentially, i feel like not only is she denying me something so simple, something that could make me happy with little effort, but something she should want too. And especially, something that she has moved her “feelings” aside for, for OTHER guys. but not for her boyfriend, whom apparently, she loves. That made me feel HORRIBLE. The nights i just spent staring at the ceiling. The days i felt like crap because as a goodbye kiss i got a peck, and all she did was hold my hand. KNOWING i express myself differently.

Things started declining. She was constantly worries about what others thought around us. In a train she would give me orders on how to sit. Move your leg away. Do this. do that. When i laughed, or talked about something, or someone or stared or looked at people she would always tell me to stop. Act embarassed. She started acting differently. She wasnt herself, she was always overly conscious, like someone was rating her boyfriend. I had to stop being myself, or who i really am so she herself would feel comfortable. Gradually i felt like she wasnt dating me, but everyone else. And throughout all this, i kept going out of my way for her. Organizing things, getting her gifts, writing her little notes, taking her to romantic places, different restaurants. I even changed my look somewhat, due to her hating baggy jean, i went out and bought tight fits and made sure I always wore them with her. Yet, throughout all this, she could never bother for me. I told her time again and again i really really loved when she did pigtails. Everytime, she had an excuse. In 4 months, she wore it twice. Once on my birthday, removing them a few hours after. And once after a fight. She also knew I had a thing for a particular dress she had. She always refused that, saying it was revealing. Understandable, yet I had to argue to have her wear it in my own room where I would be the only one. It bothered me because I found pictures of her wearing it out how I liked it before i met her. And still, unless i did things, nothing would be done.

Eventually, we even stopped doing things. All she ever wanted to do was sit at home and watch movies. Sex actually increased, although I had to always beg multiple times to do anything intimate with her, even if simple things. When she did get in the mood after various attempts, many times she never wanted to return the favor. We started fighting almost once or twice a week.

But i know she loves me, everytime a fight would happen she would cry, she left me messages, she kept trying to apologize and make me feel better. I could tell it was genuine, and so were her apologies, but afterwards, when we would make peace, after a small period of time it would happen again. Something similar to what we fought about in a different context. And the fight would start again, and the cries, and the arguments, and the parents somewhat getting involved being worried.

Today, I got up at 6am to talk to her internationally via internet. Due to the break, we are in different countries.
I have been getting online at 5,6, and 7 am for a week now, because she cannot find time at around 3pm, where it would be more comfortable for me. Yet i have been doing it. The first time, i was paying by the minute at an internet point, I find out on my own she was talking to another guy at the same time we were talking. Hence, her slower replies. Knowing i was paying, and not having talked to me for about a week due to the travels. It hurt, I got mad. She apologized. It was okay. Today, I wake up at 6, we are msning. She starts taking longer time to reply. I ask. Shes talking to someone else. Again. A guy. An ex. While im there, sleepy and tired, for her.

I get angry. We fight. She apologizes. Again.

Its a limbo. I hate this. I DONT WANT TO FIGHT WITH HER. i love her, i know its mutual but she doesnt think before she acts. I dont want to fight, but everything always happens again. She does things that hurt me, or a girlfirend outright shouldnt do. I SHOULD be able to kiss my girlfriend. I SHOULD feel like she wants me both sexually and physically next to each other.

Most times i get mad at little things like these, she didnt want to make out with me. She wont send me a sexy picture while im away. she forgot to email me. She could have stayed longer but left earlier. She chats with others while chatting with me online.

Im not perfect, I know. But 80% of the times, she is the cause of our fights. She tells me i pick at little things to get mad and possibly leave her. I know she loves me, but many times, i really dont know what to think. I dont want to fight anymore, i cant do it, but i also do want to feel better about some things. Am i being selfish?

[Ask April Masini]

It really sounds like you wish this woman was different. You’d like to be treated differently. You’d like her to behave differently. But she is who she is, and you are who you are. There are way too many differences between the two of you. You’re not going to change her, and you’re frustrated.

It’s easy to take feelings of lust and infatuation seriously, especially when you’re young and your body is full of hormones which make relationships feel super sexually charged, but a relationship is only going to last if people treat each other the way the other person wants to be treated. The best relationships happen when a woman makes you feel like a great man, and a man makes a woman feel like her best self. It doesn’t sound like either of you do that for each other.

You may have feelings for her, but it’s not enough. Don’t waste your summer. You’re only going to be heartbroken most of it if you keep on like this. Open you eyes and your mind and meet other women.

[rruler]

but we WERE very alike. we DID have similar thoughts and there was NO need for change. She just, did change, on her own. And she admits that, she says she acts differently around me and doesnt act like herself, but doesnt know why. If she did act like herself, there would be no problems apart from the few preferences intimacy wise.

[Ask April Masini]

You continue to hope for an alternative reality because you don’t like the way your girlfriend has changed in this one. I’m sorry to say, but this is the only reality there is.

Lots of people get into big trouble because they commit to relationships based on a person’s potential. The relationship works or fails based not on the potential but on what the person actually does and how they conduct themselves. You’re still looking for something you had with her in the past, but no longer have now. The reality now is things are different.

You may have had some super great times together, but you had a lot of problems, too. And now you’re unhappy because she’s changed, and you both acknowledge the change, but you’re fighting it and wanting it to be her fault, and for her to change back to the way she was.

You can’t make her change. That’s her job. All you can do is express yourself to her, which it sounds like you’ve done, and wait for her response – which you clearly don’t like. You say she’s not acting like herself, but the reality is, the way she acts IS the way she is. She may be acting differently, but it’s still her. That’s the reality.

[rruler]

So essentially, I should just leave her?

[b][u]WE FOUND OUT THE PROBLEM![/u][/b]

We recently talked about it. And really came down to the issue. Basically, she has a fixation. She tends to care TOO much about other people. To the point where she puts OTHERS on top of ME.

Let me show you:

Hooking up: she wont because she thinks others might find it too sexual and it bothers her
The dress: She thinks its too open for others
Piggytails: She thinks it makes her look a lot younger, and by that she thinks others will think im dating someone too young
Her EX: She kept takling to him while dating him, and somewhat led him on because she wanted to make him feel better after leaving him. She was worried how he felt. HOW SOMEONE ELSE felt, rather than focusing on her current boyfriend
MSN: She split her attention the other day to help a cheating ex who was depressed.
Facebook: We recently argued over a setting i would like on her facebook, that she did not want to put on because OTHERS might find it annoying
Train: She makes me change positions, talk differently, keep to certain arguments because OTHERS might find it disturbing.
Public: She turned quiet and snaps at me when im overly loud, kid too much, or might point out a person because OTHERS might see it and think badly

Until i was just a hookup, or the guy she was seeing but not dating, I WAS ONE OF THE OTHERS. Hence, we connected and she acted NORMALLY. Then when we went official she changed completely. Her process of treating others, and treating her boyfriend doesnt need to change, just simply REVERSED. She is treating others like she should treat ME. THEIR OPINIONS, which she doesn’t know for certain but imagines, are valued more than mine. My feelings come after other peoples. People who dont really even care or know she exists.

We figured it out. She understood and acknowledged it. I guess all i can do is give her this last possibility.
What do you think?

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you both acknowledge that she does not put you first. Most men want to be number one in their relationships, as do most women with their men. If you don’t mind taking second, third or fourth place — or lower than that — to other people she’s “helping” on chat lines or on the internet, or who she used to date, etc., then you’ll be fine. But I doubt it’s going to work as long as she continues this behavior.

Break ups happen when one person is ready to leave. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready yet — but remember, she may just be trying to make you feel good by staying, since she knows you want to be in the relationship with her and she’s a people pleaser. In reality, she may be seeing other people, flirting with other people, or looking for her next boyfriend at the same time she’s trying to make you feel good. If she’s always being “nice” to someone to make them feel good, you’re never going to get honesty and you’re never really going to know where the two of you stand.

Eventually, I suspect, you’re going to have had enough, and you’ll move on. But until then, buckle up for rocky roads.

[Ethan Morales]

it’s clear that your frustration and anger are coming from a mismatch in expectations and boundaries. You’re feeling hurt and ignored because you want emotional and physical closeness, exclusivity, and consistent attention, and she’s not providing that in the way you need. You’re not “wrong” for feeling upset your feelings are real but the way you’re interpreting her behavior and reacting is causing repeated conflict and pain.

Here’s a breakdown of what’s happening Different communication and intimacy styles: She clearly has different boundaries around physical affection and emotional availability. She’s cautious about making out, sending intimate pictures, or being overtly sexual, yet you interpret this as a lack of care or desire. Her past experiences (her ex) may also influence how she expresses affection.

Mixed signals: She apologizes when she hurts you, but her ongoing behavior shows she’s not prioritizing you in the way you expect. This creates frustration and gives the impression of “leading on” or inconsistency.

Your reactions: You’re investing heavily emotional effort, gifts, time, and trying to influence how she presents herself and feeling underappreciated. This leads to anger, fights, and resentment. It’s understandable, but it’s also a cycle that escalates problems.

She engages with other men (including exes) while in communication with you, and it bothers you deeply. Even if she’s “just talking,” this shows she’s not fully prioritizing the exclusivity or emotional closeness you expect.

You’re not being selfish for wanting a partner who matches your emotional and physical needs. She is not acting in alignment with what you need in a committed relationship, and trying to change her to fit your expectations is creating constant conflict.

Clarify boundaries: Decide what is non-negotiable for you in a relationship e.g., exclusivity, physical affection, respect for your time and investment.

Communicate calmly: Share your feelings without blame. “I feel hurt when…” statements instead of accusations.

Assess compatibility: Sometimes love isn’t enough if values, boundaries, and priorities don’t align. You may care deeply for each other, but if your needs aren’t being met consistently, it’s unsustainable.

Consider stepping back: Giving space can help both of you see whether this relationship can meet each other’s needs, or if it’s causing more pain than growth.

You’re not overreacting you’re noticing a real mismatch. The key is deciding whether you want to adjust your expectations or move toward a relationship where your needs are met. Right now, staying in constant conflict will only make both of you unhappy.

If you want, I can outline a step-by-step approach to either fix the dynamic or decide to move on without bitterness, which could save you months of stress and emotional fatigue. Do you want me to do that?

[PassionSeeker]

You’ve done a lot of thinking, and it’s clear you care deeply about this girl and the connection you once shared. But like April pointed out, you’re holding on to who she used to be, not who she is now. You keep waiting for the girl who made you laugh, who felt easy and natural but that version no longer exists in this relationship. The truth is, she’s showing you who she is today: someone whose attention is divided, whose energy goes to pleasing everyone but you.

You can’t fix that dynamic, because it isn’t about misunderstanding — it’s about values and priorities. Love without balance becomes frustration, and waiting for her to change will only drain you. You deserve someone who chooses you freely, not out of obligation or habit. Recognize that what you’re fighting for is no longer the reality between you. Letting go isn’t giving up; it’s choosing peace and self-respect over confusion and compromise.

[Marcus king]

It’s clear that you’re really invested in this relationship, but your frustration is completely valid. A relationship should be about mutual respect, effort, and care, and it sounds like you’re putting in a lot more than she’s reciprocating. You deserve to feel loved, appreciated, and valued, not like you have to constantly beg for affection or attention. When one person is always giving more, it creates an imbalance that can leave you feeling drained and unimportant.

The fact that she’s talking to other guys while you’re putting in the effort to stay connected shows a lack of respect for your time and commitment. Relationships need emotional consistency, and when that’s missing, it’s easy to start questioning the relationship’s future. Her actions like refusing to make out with you or not showing physical affection are signs that she’s not meeting your needs, and that can be hard to deal with. It’s okay to want more than just words but you need actions to back them up.

You’re not being selfish for wanting a relationship where both partners are equally invested. If she’s unable or unwilling to put in the effort, it’s time to reassess what you’re getting out of this. Have an honest conversation with her about your needs and what you both want moving forward. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and respected, not stuck in a cycle of disappointment. If she can’t meet those needs, it might be time to reevaluate if this is the right relationship for you.

[Flirt Coach]

I read every word, and I can tell you poured your heart into this. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do you’re just worn out from giving more than you’re getting. I’ve been there, man. You start off in something that feels electric, like you finally found the person who just gets you. But then the spark turns into walking on eggshells, and suddenly you’re begging for scraps of attention that should’ve come naturally.

Let’s break this down. You’re not being selfish. You’re being honest about what you need connection, effort, affection. Those are normal things to want in a relationship. But what’s happening here isn’t balance. You’ve been trying to keep this thing alive by yourself. She’s giving you mixed messages telling you she loves you while also keeping you at arm’s length. Saying she’s tired, acting distant, doing the bare minimum while you’re bending over backward to make her happy. That’s not partnership, that’s exhaustion dressed up as love.

And the part about her ex? That’s not fair to you. When someone says they’re done with the past, their actions should match their words. But instead, she’s talking to other guys while you’re dragging yourself out of bed at six in the morning to make time for her. That tells you where her energy is going.

Love can be real and still not be right. You can care about someone deeply, but if the relationship leaves you feeling smaller, confused, and constantly hurt, it’s not love that’s good for you. You sound like a guy who gives everything. But you’ve got to leave some of that for yourself too.

If you keep staying in something where you’re always apologizing, always proving your worth, you’re teaching her that she can give less and still keep you. Don’t do that. You deserve someone who meets you halfway, who wants to kiss you without being asked, who makes you feel wanted instead of tolerated.

Take a breath. Step back. You don’t need to decide everything today. But start asking yourself if the love you’re fighting for is the same one that’s supposed to build you up or the one that’s slowly wearing you down.

[Tara]

You’re not being selfish. You’re being obsessive. There’s a difference.

You don’t love this girl. You’re addicted to managing her. You monitor, compare, and negotiate for affection like it’s a contract you think she owes you. You treat her hesitation as betrayal and her boundaries as challenges to overcome. That isn’t romance. That’s control disguised as devotion.

Every paragraph you wrote screams the same thing. She didn’t perform the way you wanted, so you punished her emotionally until she did. You keep score. Who paid. Who apologized. Who messaged first. You even reduce physical affection to proof of loyalty. That’s not intimacy. That’s insecurity with lipstick.

You say she changed. No. She adapted. You pushed, she adjusted, and in the process she stopped being herself. That’s why everything now feels dull. You killed the spark by trying to regulate it.

She’s not cold. She’s exhausted. You’re not unloved. You’re suffocating her.
Stop chasing validation in the shape of a girlfriend. Step back, get therapy, and dismantle the need to control what you claim to care about. Love isn’t proven through compliance. It’s respected through distance. Let her go.

[Sally]

You’re not crazy for being angry. You’ve been giving and bending and waking up at 6 a.m. for someone who keeps showing you that you’re not a priority. That kind of love starts to eat away at your self-worth, even when the person says they care.

She might love you in her own way, but love that keeps you anxious and guessing isn’t healthy love. You can’t keep proving your worth to someone who should already see it.

You’re not selfish for wanting effort, affection, or honesty. That’s what being in a relationship means. You just sound tired. And when love starts to feel like work you’re doing alone, it’s okay to step back. Sometimes walking away isn’t giving up. It’s choosing peace.

[Natalie Noah]

Reading this made me feel it all. the longing, the confusion, the small humiliations that add up like rain until you’re soaked. You had something beautiful, and now it feels like you’re both strangers in the same story. That hurts. Deeply.

You two started as mirrors then drifted. She’s more worried about what others think than how you feel. You’ve been bending and giving to get the love you crave, and it hasn’t been returned equally. This isn’t just preference; it’s a mismatch of priorities and emotional safety.

Have one calm, real conversation. No blaming. Say: “I miss us. Lately, I feel like your choices put other people before me, and it hurts. Can we talk about what you want from this relationship?”

Protect yourself. Start living for you again: hang out with friends, do things you love, date casually if you need to. Don’t wait around hoping she becomes who she used to be.

You can’t make her care differently. You can only decide what you’ll accept. If she keeps valuing “others” over you, you’re not second-chance material. You’re a backup, and that will eat you alive.

You deserve someone who makes you feel chosen loudly and quietly. If she can’t be that person after honest talks and small efforts, you’ll be kinder to yourself in the long run by walking away. I know this stings. But you’re brave for seeing the truth. If you want, I’ll help you rehearse that conversation.

[Author]

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